Marriage stress about when we are "ready" for TTC

[Anonymous]

Are you sure that the house purchase isn't the proxy here for his other concerns about becoming a parent?

I do think it's a bit ridiculous to insist on owning a house before having kids. In our case, we weren't financially able to buy a house until later, but we enjoyed the ease of apartment living when our kids were young. We did buy a house eventually, but it is taking a few years to get it fixed up the way we like--I'd have hated to do it with a baby/toddler or to have felt that we needed to wait to have the house just right before we tried to have a baby!

[Anonymous]

Does he really understand how fertility declines for women? You may want to have a joint doctor appointment or share some reading materials. Guys don't often get how the risk of infertility, miscarriage, or birth defects starts rising the older you get.

[Anonymous]

I do really think finances are his BIGGEST area of concern. I think he probably is worried about becoming a parent in general, but when I try to talk about other issues that might be a hold up for him,money is always what things center on for him. I LOVE that he is so careful and concerned about planning for our future, but I think he is a bit extreme.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about age just yet OP. You don't know for a fact how many years it will take for you to purchase, how long it will take to conceive, etc. Try to stay in the present about it - today, it doesn't sound like your Dh is ready.

Rather than put a restriction on TTC until you have a house/"enough" money/etc., can you both agree to revisit the idea in another year? He may feel differently. I'm 31 and we decided we would wait until we were married one year before trying. It's been a topic in our rented apartment for while now and we decided there was no real reason we HAD to wait until we were married one year. So we are jumping in a few months early. This was actually DH's idea. If we waited for the "perfect" time, I'd probably be menopausal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do really think finances are his BIGGEST area of concern. I think he probably is worried about becoming a parent in general, but when I try to talk about other issues that might be a hold up for him,money is always what things center on for him. I LOVE that he is so careful and concerned about planning for our future, but I think he is a bit extreme.

Just let him know that having a lot of money doesn't make up for having no baby. All the money in the world can't overcome some problems. A lot of us on these boards know this the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your opinions. I don't know what happened to me in the past 6 months, but it is like my biological clock is on hyper speed. I am planning on sharing some research on fertility and age with him, talk about my concerns in a non confrontational way and then try REALLY hard to let it go for a while. In the meantime, I have been stuffing as much extra money as I can into savings so we can buy that house sooner, or at least convince him that we are ok!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, just wanted to say that you can get into a house thru FHA for like 3.5% down. DH and I only put down around 11k (back when it was 3% down in 08) and had seller pay closing costs. And it's only 20 min commute from where I live in Eckington to downtown. Maybe it's time to just buy something? it doesn't have to take forever to purchase a home, and then you can move on to the babymaking.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hard to relay all these messages to your husband because he knows how emotionally involved you are. Do you have any friends who might openly talk about a TTC struggle? That might open his eyes (I guess a Dr.'s visit would do the same thing). For what it's worth, you may want to chart a little to make sure you're ovulating and everything looks right. I know many of us on this board are having a hard time TTC, but A LOT of people don't have a hard time. You may be part of that group. I do think if you and your husband want to have three, you may need to start earlier anyway. You could also do the math for him...like when the third child who is likely conceived at 36 graduates from college, we'll be almost 60...I know this sounds insane, but when you think about grandchildren and being young enough to enjoy them, it starts to form a clearer picture.

All this said, I was 29 when I got married, conceived at 31, and I would definitely say I'm glad we were a married couple for two years before adding a child into the mix.

[Anonymous]

I think going to your OB together makes sense. We had our first when I was 31 pretty easily and then I had big fertility issues at 34 TTC #2 (ended up with wonderful IVF twins just before my 36th bday). The whole TTC thing was so hard for us and so expensive. I would definitely advise my little brother (once he's married) and our kids to start trying to have a family in their 20s. I know a couple where the husband pushed waiting and they have not been able to have a 2nd child and she resents her husband so much.

[Anonymous]

We've been married almost 2 years and have been together for almost 8 years. I had always thought we'd wait about 2 years before starting to try, I guess we'll probably wait a little longer. I know there is a compromise somewhere, and I want to go into this process with DH and I both on board and excited about things. It is hard to share my feelings with him about this because it is so emotional for me and he is incredibly logical and sometimes struggles with addressing emotionally based issues.

Starting to chart and see if I'm ovulating is a good idea and may quell some of my stress about this. (or make is worse, depending).

[Anonymous]

16:19 here -- I agree with the idea of starting together with DH. Have you ever talked with him directly about your fears of not being able to conceive? Or it not be an easy path. He may not even know about this. My husband didn't and was pretty surprised about how common miscarriage is, etc. He is smart and aware, but I think men just don't think about these things in the same way.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell him not to stress about the house.

DH and I are expecting #1 (at 31) after waiting until we were both done with school and had good, stable jobs before TTC. We wanted to buy a house before baby came, but the right house just hasn't come on the market yet. So, we're having DC1 in a 1-bedroom apartment. Not ideal, but we have a huge nest egg for when the right house appears, and we figure it was time for baby, and babies don't need much room! Can't wait to find the right house, though!

So, talk with him about his fears. Reassure him that lots of people have babies in apartments (think of New York City!). One of my good friends told me, "If you wait for the PERFECT time to have a baby, you'll never have a baby, because there is no perfect time. Just find a time that feels right for both of you and go for it."

But, I think you're fine in terms of age. To be honest, I always thought I'd get started at 28-29, but at 31 it wasn't harder than it would have been then (meaning my levels and ovarian reserve are still excellent). You can always do a 3-day blood test with the gyno to check your FSH/LH levels (which should give you a clue about your ovarian reserve), and if it's good, maybe give your DH another year to get comfortable. That's a good compromise, and if you are socking away every penny until then (and cutting way back on non-necessities), I'll bet his financial concerns will be eased a lot! And even if you're type A, starting in a year will give you PLENTY of time to have #2.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would not bring a child into a world where he or she had to live in rented accommodations.

I'm sorry...but WTF?

[Anonymous]

Not the PP, but I am pretty sure this was meant to be sarcastic.

[Anonymous]

I hope that person was meaning to be sarcastic. If not, what a jerk!