So intimidated by parents of child's friend

[Anonymous]

Ugh!!! They are so beautiful, wealthy and together! Beautiful interior designed house and so relaxed in their own skin and super nice. I dread pick ups from play dates, reciprocating dinner dates and hanging out because I feel so inadequate compared to them. I hate myself for feeling this way. They are humans, just like me.
I know I am going to get virtually slapped upside the head for this post and I knowvi deserve it.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I the only pathetic one?

[Anonymous]

You're not alone. My house can fit into one of my son's friend's living room. Sounds like we know the same family!

[Anonymous]

I may be that parent. Beautiful house, awesome job, funny, pretty, etc. And I don't pay any attention at all to these trappings in my kids' friends' parents. Unless you're a total pill, or unless your house looks like a frat boy's dorm room, I didn't even notice. Just laugh at my jokes and crack a few of your own. That's all I care about.
(There. That second sentence should distract the nasty trolls and keep them off YOUR back! )

Also, if it makes you feel better, my marriage is totally on the rocks, and not a day goes by that I don't consider chucking it all and moving me and my kids into a little apartment.

[Anonymous]

I understand. My husband and I are pretty happy with our lives, but we've made some choices - some good, some bad - that has limited our income. Plus, we are just not good house decorators. Our house is not a looker, but any means. And neither of us is really into fashion or trends when it comes to clothing. And with limited income, I'm not going to spend a lot of clothes. Overall, I'm OK with this - because it is who we are.

But - OMG - all the parents at my son's preschool have the most beautiful homes and wear these super trendy, I spent 2 hours putting this outfit togethor-looking outfits to school functions. I feel like I'm more one of the kids than the adults. I find myself apologizing for the look of my house (which is ridiculous- why apologize - like its actually going to hurt their eyes). I keep telling my husband, we just really do not belong here. But - that being said -all the people are also really, really nice. Hopefully they just see us as that quirky, down-to-earth family.

[Anonymous]

OP, one of the most valuable things my mother ever told me was that everybody has their own cross to bear. They could have myriad issues or problems that you don't know about. Not that you want to have schadenfreude! What helps me is that I concentrate on the good things I DO have rather than what I DON'T have.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I'm in my 40s and "only" in a townhouse. Would love a SFH and it doesn't even have to be fab like what you describe. BUT! Take comfort in the fact these people are genuinely nice! If anyone should "have everything," shouldn't it be genuninely kind people? I'd be really pissed if they were ass** who still accomplished so much.

[Anonymous]

OP, I came from humble beginnings. Sold my soul to the military to pay for college, put myself through law school, made a fortitous condo purchase around the same time my equally humble beginnings husband made a fortituous home purchase. Those two purchases allowed us to buy up.

Just because we have a nice home now does not mean we always did. I am often embarassed because I know we live in a larger house than my daughter's best friend's family (they live in an apartment). I actually couldn't care less. I get more concerned when we want to plan a trip to the theater or something and I worry they can't afford to join us.

I am a pretty firm believer in people matter, possessions don't, even though I seem to have accumulated far more than I need in my mid-40s. That may be a function of being so much older when I married and had a kid.

[Anonymous]

We have more than many of my child's friends. We have an only child and both of us work whereas many families from school have a working dad and a SAHM and several siblings. We don't have a big house, but it is nice and our furniture is nice. We travel a bit and go on vacations to places other than the DE and OBX beaches so that makes us a bit of an oddity. I don't particularly care, but I can tell that some of the other parents do. I try to downplay what we have and what we do when I am with people I geniunely like. I have to say when I get comments that make me defensive from other parents, I do not go out of my way to downplay things. Not nice, I know. One of the things I am working on.

[Anonymous]

We also have a nice house, are financially comfortable, travel to exotic places, etc. I don't dress as nice so a lot of my friends are surprised to see how we live when they visit our house for the first time. Sometimes I wonder if I really all deserve this when there are so much pain and suffering in the world. Most of my friends are not as well to do as us financially, but I love them for who they are. I also hope that my friends will like me for who I am, not for what I have. My parents always taught me that money can make your life comfortable but cannot bring happiness, and I really believe that.

[Anonymous]

There are always people who are going to seem to have more money, nicer family, better jobs, etc., etc. But those same people might also think that you have a better lifestyle.

In DC, too, you meet a lot of people who have intentionally traded off more money for a more interesting job; invest in travel, rather than a nicer kitchen; live in a row house in NW, rather than a mansion in McLean.

You have to figure out what you really treasure in your life and don't feel bad about it. DH, for example, made the decision years ago to work for the fed, rather than stay in big law. His former big law colleagues live in beautiful, huge homes; their wives are SAH and cook elaborate dinners and dress well--but I know that many of those former colleagues look at envy with DH's stable job and interesting work (he actually goes to trial and argues cases on his own; he's not on his second or third firm); we have a small, but close-in townhouse; and because DH has normal working hours, I actually kept my awesome job that gives me the flexibility to pick my children up from school every day. We don't have nearly as much money as some of our friends, and while we re-think our priorities every once in a while, I am content with the priorities we have.

[Anonymous]

When we have new people over our house, some give genuine compliments, and some don't say anything and look rather uncomfortable. If you're the latter, I would like to say that I don't give a damn how you live. I liked you as a person and thought that we could be good friends and that's why I had you over. But if you're not comfortable with who I am, I can't be comfortable with who you are either.

[Anonymous]

I have to echo pp. We have a nice home and love to cook (and eat, and drink good wine) and so invite lots of people over for dinner parties. So many of the friends/acquaintances we invite don't reciprocate and I suspect it is because they are worried they can't pull of something similar. Please know that I don't care if you have us over for a cup of tea, or beer and pizza, we just want to get to know you better and would be flattered to be invited.

[Anonymous]

The key here is those who do not judge. Including the suburb-haters! I try my best, but not everyone is perfect in any way, obviously. For example, I try not to judge those who have a lot of money because you NEVER know what they had to go through to earn it! Or maybe they had it handed to them and somehow feel "entitled" to it.

I wholly agree with those who can't be comfortable with who I am (or attack my kids, for example - yes, it has happened); well no way should you expect me to be comfortable with you. In fact, I'm quite vindictive in that way. If you attack me (even if you pretend not to) it is only a matter of time before paybacks. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, in fact it will probably be when you are least expecting. Count on it. Not to say I am proud of it, it has just become a built in defense mechanism.

I have yet to meet too many down to earth people, happy in their own skin. It is often the "wanna bes" - those with very little to their name but just have to have the "showy" stuff - GAG! And they wonder WHY they don't have anything to their name? REALLY? Or the private schoolers who keep to themselves. I would love to meet people in between. We don't reach out too much because frankly, we are a bit jaded.

We tend to gravitate toward down to earth people and are suspicious of those with the "showy" stuff for that reason. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of wanna bes that will never be happy, anyway?

I do know you don't know what happens behind closed doors, OP. Though you are very honest for admitting this.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have quite a few friends who are well-off, have huge, beautiful homes and seem incredibly happy with their lives . . . AND they're really nice people who love to be around other really nice people, regardless of the size of their homes or their bank accounts.

I know it can be hard, but don't assume anyone is judging you or even cares about the size of your home etc. Hopefully these really are nice people who appreciate your family for who you are and are excited that the kids are friends!! Sometimes it really is true that "people are people".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to echo pp. We have a nice home and love to cook (and eat, and drink good wine) and so invite lots of people over for dinner parties. So many of the friends/acquaintances we invite don't reciprocate and I suspect it is because they are worried they can't pull of something similar. Please know that I don't care if you have us over for a cup of tea, or beer and pizza, we just want to get to know you better and would be flattered to be invited.

This is us too!