Losing my mind... just a vent I guess..

[Anonymous]

Okay.. Thi is going to sound really stupid to a lot of you I'm sure... and some of you will probably flame me, and I'm totally ok with that.. I am a SAHM with only one child.. a 2.5 year old DD.. I hate the fact that my house looks like it's almost ready for us to be the next Hoarders star family.. (I guess it's not quite THAT bad yet I guess..) But anyway, my husband is gone for 16 hours a day every day (fwiw, it's a 12 hour overnight shift, he leaves at about 3:30 to beat traffic, and doesn't get home until after 7am) my daughter is fighting her nap... so EVERYTHING involving running this household falls on my shoulders.. Which should be fine!!!!! And yet, somehow, I've allowed my apartment (that's a small part of our problem is that we have EXTREMELY limited space) to go to hell... I need a better routine.. The only thing that I outsource for is grocery delivery (only because I dont' want to carry all of our groceries and a child up three flights of stairs).. I've talked about occasionally getting a housekeeper to help me get on top of things.. He is insistant that he doesn't want a stranger cleaning our home.. The few times I've brought up the subject, he says "well how about if I just help you".. and during one or two of his occassional days off, he'll help clean a room for me, complain about how it shouldn't be that messy, and than we're right back to me doing it (or what I manage to get done) by myself..

I really don't want this to seem like a post where I'm complaining about my husband, because I'm not... He works hard to bring home enough money for us to live on and then some.. The problem is, I've always been a messy person.. I've never been someone who was any good at housework (I honestly question if I'm doing something right half the time)... I really want a fresh start, in a spotless house that I'm just keeping track of, but finding the time to make the house spotless is a struggle.. My goal was to have it done before we went on vacation in just over a week now, and I'm afraid I won't even get that done..

We have aspirations of purchasing a home really soon and I want more children eventually but I want to make sure I can handle what I have first.. and right now, I'm afraid I'm not handling it well...

I'm pretty sure that my husband thinks I'm just lazy.. I'm sure a lot of you think this also.. I promise you that's not the case.. I am constantly playing with my daughter,aned before my husband wakes up, I'm taking her out and about places so she's not sitting around the house all day every day, I'm active within my church, taking care of getting things done for my husband to get him ready for work.. I have dinner on the table by 2:30 so we can all eat together before he leaves... I work out every day, and by the time all of that is done, I'm TIRED.. and the housework has hardly started. (I have managed to do two loads of work uniform clothes by this time though every day)


I guess my only question is for all of you all together SAHMs is how do you do it??????????? Andwhy am I having such a hard time doing it????? I've been obsessing about this in my head for months, and I just don't know how to fix myself, and my housekeeping bad habits.. I don't know how to change myself if that makes any sense..

[Anonymous]

You need to work harder. One 2.5 year old is not a lot to manage.

Definitely no more children till you get your act together.

[Anonymous]

For my kids early years, I was literally paralyzed by a mild depression brought on by exhaustion
It may be time to get the little one into 2 morning a week preschool or playgroup, so you have a few hours to clean...

[Anonymous]

Op, where do you live?
Do you have other skills to barter?
Maybe you just need someone to show you how to clean/org. a bit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I work but I think being a SAHM is the most difficult job anyone can do regardless of how many children and what age. That is why I work! I think part of the problem for you is space and can understand how that would be overwhelming. Do you have family or someone that could watch your child for one day a week so that you could tackle organization? If you can reduce your clutter, cleaning might be a little easier. Sounds like you should also have a heart to heart with DH. Don't let this overwhelm you to the point of depression. Your post sounds like you are too quick to take all the blame/responsiblity. No matter how hard your DH works, your relationship should be an equal partnership and he needs to support you in other ways. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry - I am also a messy also easily gets overwhelmed. You NEED to have someone come in at least once a month to to hard core cleaning and organizing and then you just do these three things every day to keep your head above water:

1. Rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
2. Put all clothes away - hamper, hang up or fold.
3. Wipe all bathroom and kitchen counters.
4. Sort incoming mail - file, shred or discard.

Please don't feel bad about this. I've been there before. Hire help and keep being a great attentive moth

[Anonymous]

You sound frazzled and with one kid and just a small living space, you really shouldn't be...not criticizing, just thinking...maybe you have ADD or something else? You shouldn't be doubting your ability to clean, that's really silly. But, if it's something you actually worry about, maybe something else is going on?

[Anonymous]

This is the thing: you are to be commended for being such a loving and attentive mom, but you do not need to spend 100% of your time playing with her. You can carve out some chunks of time each day when you do household things. And you can make other household things (folding laundry), something the two of you do together. In other words, I'd create a routine that involved some pure play time, some cleaning time (maybe she watches a sesame street episode each morning), some outing or activity, and some joint chore-as-playtime.

If you don't think this is realistic, then I'd suggest putting her in daycare two mornings a week to give yourself time to get things together on the home front.

I think it's exhausting to be in charge of a toddler, but it's a h*ll of a lot harder to be home with a toddler and a baby. I think your DH sounds insensitive about how exhausting it is to be home with a toddler, but I also think at 2.5 years, it is realistic you can get more done during the day than you are. GL!

[Anonymous]

Get rid of everything non-essential. This will completely cut down on the clutter and reduce your cleaning time. We gutted the house 2x since the baby was born, throwing out a ton of junk: we each parted with possessions that held positive memories (for example. my wedding dress; my husband's grad school music books) but recognized that we rarely pulled them out to linger over, and therefore could be better used in someone else's hands. The cleansing process is so therapeutic!!

[Anonymous]

A few PPs have been really harsh. My kiddo is a little cling-on. I suspect that those who are able to say one kid, should be easy to keep things immaculate are either not engaging with their children very much or do not have higher needs kids.

OP, my house can sometimes be a wreck, too. The difference is, I'm more forgiving of myself. One thing, however, that has helped me is to set a schedule. Tuesday night I do X, Wednesday morning before work, I do Y. (I'm not a SAHM, but I work at home with a flexible schedule). Anyway, set goals and put a general time for them. Not a deadline, but rather, "this is when I am going to work on the kitchen."

It is also SO nice that you do not park your kid in front of television. I have so many friends who I think maybe look down on my not so spic and span house, yet their kids watch TV every day. I'm not saying TV is the end of the world, but it's just a different means to an end. Some people think a little bit of TV here and there or a little less parental attention is worth it for the satisfaction of a very clean house, some people think the dirt can chill for a while, since little ones are only little for so long.

Maybe one more piece of advice is to try to get your daughter to help you with what you're doing. I was having a really hard time cooking dinner with my 18 month old until I discovered that giving him a kitchen set with pots and pans and dishes and saucers and cups and spoons, etc was key. Now he "cooks" while I do. It doesn't always work, but it helps!

Anyway, ignore the people judging you. That's a long time to be what is, in effect, a single mom every day. I give you props if your house isn't condemned.

[Anonymous]

There's a quality to your post where you write down an idea and then you have to parenthetically justify it, or explain it with two more sentences or contradict it. It's a little maddening. You don't get to the point and you're not straightforward and you meander. You seem like a very likeable person and I'm not condemning this, I'm just wondering if you have the same quality in action. Maybe you say to yourself "I should clean the kitchen first thing today" and then allow your mind to inject three or four parentheticals and contradict yourself (Maybe the bathroom is worse? Maybe the kitchen isn't really so bad? My god, how could I let the kitchen get that bad!).

I think it sounds like you've become your own worst enemy with this kind of rumination. It can be a sign of depression but I don't know you well enough to say. At any rate, I think you need to make a list for yourself, or a schedule, or even just a wheel that you can spin with the rooms of the house and every day you choose one to thoroughly clean. Some friends swear by Flylady.com for keeping their homes clean. To me it seems a little silly to go that far, but if you need that much structure, then that's what you need.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. You have a lot on your plate. At 2. 5 years old, however, she should be able to do some independent play. Maybe for an hour or so each day, plan in some independent play time. Get some play dough or crayons out and while she plays by herself, get some housework done. You don't need to clean the whole house from top to bottom each day. Whatever you can get done in this time each day is what you'll do for the day.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you to all of you for helpful and constructive comments.. Some of the kind words here really touched my heart.. For those of you who offered suggestions, I fully intend on taking them to heart... I've already made checklists of things needing to be done in each room, and I will choose a new room each day and check each thing off the list as I get it done. I also sent my husband an email (I know, sounds stupid, but I wanted to make sure that I told him everything I needed to say).. He came home this morning sick, so I guess we'll see when we're better if we ever have the talk he said we'd have.

22:48--I agree with you.. I'm working on it..

22:57---I'm not 100% sure what you mean, what would I barter skills for?

23:05--All of our family lives about 700 miles away, so no help there obviously, but your post was very kind and I appreciate it.

23:20--thank you for the tips.. Like I said, hiring help isn't really an option for my husband, and I get that, and would really like to try a little harder so that I don't feel like I need the help.. But thank you, honestly, it's nice to know that there are others out there who are messy and easily overwhelmed..

23:25.. I've wondered this also actually..

23:42, thank you!!! You're right, I need to make myself a schedule and stick to it..

05:42--You're absolutely right.. Granted I just typed that out pretty quickly so I could vent and than hopefully get on with other things, but I am COMPLETELY like that in life.. You pretty much described me to a tee with your post, and I'm REALLY not sure how to change that about myself.. I have never looked at flylady.com before, but I will check that out and see if it's something that would help me.. Thank you for your constructive response.

You see, there are a few times in the day where she will color and otherwise entertain herself.. however, I usually reserve some of that time for ironing my husband's uniforms, cooking dinner, and other things like that.. I've had her help with some general basic things.. She LOVES doing what I do.. She loves imitating, so I might maybe get her a broom toy and other cleaning toys, so that she can actually do what I'm doing. I think we would all benefit from that perhaps.. Part of the problem, is, that 1.) I have a sleeping husband all day, and 2.) our neighbors downstairs, have their child's bedroom right below DD's bedroom, and they homeschool in there, so if she makes the slightest noise in her room, I get a phone call complaining about it.. The husband also works from home, so he complains about noise anywhere in the rest of the house.. Plus the obvious needing to be quiet so her father can sleep.. So part of the reason it may seem like I spend so much of my time playing with her is because I'm trying to controp what she does, what games she plays etc during the day so that there isn't a lot of noise.. This is also the reason why we end up going out just about each and every day.
Another problem that I face, is that my husband comes home and goes to bed shortly after I wake up, and than when he leaves for work, my daughter goes down for her nap, than she's up just long enough for dinner, bath and back to bed.. someone in my house is ALWAYS SLEEPING.. When the hell can you vacuum when someone in your house is always sleeping?? But anyway.. I digress.. I really appreciate the constructive feedback that I recieved from all of you.. I really do.. I will take a lot of what all of you said to heart, as I genuinely want to better myself in this particular aspect of my life..

[Anonymous]

For an apartment size, I would do it one weekend and hire two people to come help. You, and two people can go room to room. You can concentrate on trash and donate bags, and cleaners clean. Back to the neighbor. It is completely absurd you feel forced to leave your home to tiptoe around them. Stop doing that. They can move if they do not like hearing a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

www.flylady.net

Seriously. Go to the site and follow her instructions.