"Good" age (kids) for divorce?

[Anonymous]

Obviously, its never ideal. But does anyone have thoughts, based on experience, or know on any research studies as to whether there is an age where kids are old enough to handle it better?

(I have a preschooler and am wondering if I should try to hang on for a few more years to wait until she is at an age where she is less focused on mommy and daddy as the center of her universe, and more focused on her friends. There's no abuse or substance abuse, and I'm aware that stay together means modeling a dysfunctional marriage - I'm trying to balance it out.)

[Anonymous]

My dad left when I was five. It was probably a good time to do it since I don't remember anything about it. It was normal to me to be raised by a single mother. I have friends whose parents divorced later and it was much harder on them. The older a child is, the more they will remember. They might always want their parents to get back together b/c they remember when they were together.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Even if studies showed something, every child is different. It's a hard one to analyze. Waiting does save you the expenses of two households and you also get to see your child every day. What sort of schedule do you envision, 50-50 is common. Personally I think it's hard on children until they are eight or so. That's what I saw with my child. We split when DC was three.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I do think waiting until school makes sense. Then the question is when to tell. In the middle of the school year could destabilize her. At the start of the summer, well, it depends on plans, if she's hopping from day camp to day camp, that could be rough. The end of the summer could mean a tough start of the school year. So, it's just tough all around.

Is there any chance of making things work?

[Anonymous]

7:55 again. I should have written "might" make sense, waiting until school. I've never seen a child not have a strong response to divorce. It can be acting out. It can be internalized. That said, all the children of divorce I know are doing great save one, but that's due to mental illness that would have manifested if the parents had stayed married.

[Anonymous]

OP does your marriage counselor/therapist have any recommendations? That's probably the person to ask since he/she knows your situation the best.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, my therapist doesn't offer opinions or recommendations. She says all she can do is be emotionally supportive, since she doesn't know DH.

[Anonymous]

DH stands for Dear Husband.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 12, in june. it was tough and miserable, even my brother who was 7 had a tough time. They tried to stay together a while before separating, it felt forced and unnatural. Even thought your DC is young, she will pick up on the feelings of unhappiness. Do what is best for you so you can be a happy, healthy parent and your daughter will grow up under the care of a mother who is strong and brave and will be better for it.

[Anonymous]

My friend's parents divorced when he was a preschooler and it was ideal as he had no memory of his parents ever being together. It probably wasn't long before he forgot how things were before the divorce. However part of why it worked so well was his parents still got along really well and lived close together. He lived 100% at his moms but dad came over to put them to bed, to have dinner with them now and then and on weekends would pick them up to do things with them...not a structured arrangements, more just like it would be if the parents were still together. Both he and his brother have zero negative memories of the divorce and have great relationships with both parents..who have both remarried but who still get along really well.

[Anonymous]

14:33 I think the hardest thing for children to adjust to is two homes. Your example is that of a home base, not many people do that these days. It makes for a rocky road, preschoolers and school-age children going back and forth between two worlds.

[Anonymous]

I've done a lot of research on this and talked to a lot of therapists and lawyers. The consensus I've gotten is that under 6 years old is best. My kids are 3 1/2 (DS) and 13 (DD) months. We've been separated for a month now and my DS is already adjusting pretty well. In my case my husband is an addict, he's cheated on me multiple times and recently got arrested. I need to get my kids out of this unhealthy addiction cycle. Kids at this age are so resiliant, and as soon as you establish a regular visitation schedule I think she would be just fine. Mommy and Daddy are still the center of his world, Daddy just doesn't live at home anymore.

[Anonymous]

After my mom died, my dad remarried and they had a baby together, and divorced very soon afterward. (there were issues there; I'm pretty sure she married him just so she could have a kid, as she was about to turn 40.) My half-brother never knew them all living in the same house, and frankly if he had, he might have been traumatized by the sniping and fighting. He's a pretty normal kid; the only issue is that my former stepmom sometimes trashes my dad to him (she trashes my dad to me, too), but he's old enough now to know that it's BS. that would have happened at any age, though.

My daughter never knew her parents living in the same house; we split while we were expecting her. The coparenting relationship is actually awesome; we get along really well and have no problem spending time together on holidays, birthdays and such. She's a really happy kid, seems well-adjusted and I think she has a better relationship with her dad because of all the one-on-one time they get together; he had to really step up and be a 100% hands-on dad from the get-go. Sure, there's always the possibility that she'll end up stripping due to daddy issues, but I'm crossing my fingers that won't be an issue.

[Anonymous]

17:01 Are the children going back and forth between two homes or do they have a home base with you? Because the consensus shifts according to living arrangements. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:33 I think the hardest thing for children to adjust to is two homes. Your example is that of a home base, not many people do that these days. It makes for a rocky road, preschoolers and school-age children going back and forth between two worlds.

14:33 here. I agree that one home base is best IF both parents get equal parenting time. In my friend's case they did. This meant sacrifices on both parents parts...dad in giving up custodial time and having home base be at moms, and mom in having dad be over when he wanted. I am not for 100% home base when it means dad gets shut out of the picture or become a visitor to the child, which happens all too often. Parents getting along well enough to co-parent in a one-house home-base scenario are rare unfortunately.