"Good" age (kids) for divorce?

[Anonymous]

Either commit to sticking it out until your kids through high school, or do it now. Honestly, as a child of divorce married to a child of divorce- it's a really hard adjustment going back and forth between the two houses. My DH has still never recovered from this (his parents split when he was 8) and it only got worse in high school because he wanted to do sports and other activities without being concerned about whose "time" it was coming out of. He was old enough to be aware of the change and the animosity, but too young to understand the dynamics of adult relationships.

Also, the younger you do it, the less of a routine they have of how their life is. To some extent the "parents are the center of my world" time works in your favor, because as long as both parents are still there everything is ok. As they get older, they want their things and their space and their activities/routine, all of which will be upset by a divorce/shared custody arrangement. A good friend divorced when her son was 5-months old and they have a great shared custody arrangement, with a "home base" (kid lives with her 100% and dad lives close by and visits regularly). Divorcing when their baby was young gave them time to get over the inevitable drama and rough first years before he was really even aware of what was happening. Now they've both moved on, and are great co-parents who can even vacation together on occasion.

My parents divorced when I was in college and it was fine, I saw it coming and lived with years of arguments, but I also knew what I didn't want out of a marriage (which is helpful in its own way). The main problem was that since my dad moved out of the family home, my siblings (all older) and I have never felt like his house is "our house" and as a result I think its been harder on him. But I am somewhat thankful that my life never had to really change because of my parents' poor relationship. There's never a great time, but in my experience the younger- or much older- the better.

[Anonymous]

14:33 How do parents get equal time with a home base?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:33 How do parents get equal time with a home base?

14:33 here. I've seen it in two cases...and in both the parents live close together and are still friends despite the divorce. In the friend I mentioned case, dad was welcome in the home base home. He would come over and help with homework or come for dinner...and mom would sometimes stay or other times go out while he was there. Or other times he would drop by and do bedtime routine on his way home. the kids did spend time at his house, on weekends they'd go over and help him build something or work on whatever but they would go home for the night. I'm not sure they actually split time 50/50 but there weren't restrictions on dads time as to when or how he could see the kids. If one of them had plans, they let the other one know.

I have another friend with two kids who is now doing this with her ex. Their routine is a little more structured as the kids are in tons of activities so they coordinate whose doing what so dad often swings by to take them to soccer or hockey or out for dinner or to help with homework. Of the kids call him to come and take them somewhere or come and do something. Both parents spend time with the kid son weekends, depending on who is doing what. Again the kids do spend time at dad's house but they live in one home base. This friend and her ex did the regular every other weekend and wed night for the first year or so they split but the kids and dad all hated it and it was hard to coordinate so they transitioned to a much more flexible schedule where dad gets a lot more time with the kids and the kids only live in one place. When mom travels for business or wants a night out the kids do stay at dads but they don't bring everything with them...they can stop by 'home' if they forget or need something. I wouldn't say its easy for them....it involves a lot of taking the high road on both sides, and both have to make sacrifices for it to work but so far it seems its been about two years and still going strong.

In both cases, it is kind of like they still parent together like they did before but now from different houses.

[Anonymous]

What happens when one or both meet someone new? FYI: We're a two-household unit, that's what works for us. I don't know anyone who's doing a home base approach, more power to those who can manage that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when one or both meet someone new? FYI: We're a two-household unit, that's what works for us. I don't know anyone who's doing a home base approach, more power to those who can manage that.

One of the reasons why I suspect that the home base approach isn't done more often is because it does make it harder for the two parents to "move-on" with their lives, date again, and dad (or the non-custodial parent) has to suck up the fact that they don't always get as much time as they want. The home-base approach really requires two people who understand that the choice they got was to divorce, but that now their primary responsibility is to make the situation as easy on their kids as possible- which often means making it more difficcult on them. Unfortunately, many people get divorced precisely because they don't want to/can't co-parent with their ex, or put their kids/families' needs in front of their own. For those kinds of people the "home-base" approach would be impossible.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for the additional responses. It is helpful because I didn't have friends from divorced families growing up, so I can't fully appreciate all the issues.

And yes, I'm completely uninterested in the home base approach - wouldn't want to spend any more time around "DH" than necessary. I'm thinking about a 1/2 week split 3 days with one parent, 4 with the other, or so.

[Anonymous]

15:47 That's what we do, it's worked. Your H may want perfect 50-50, many fathers do, you can make that work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when one or both meet someone new? FYI: We're a two-household unit, that's what works for us. I don't know anyone who's doing a home base approach, more power to those who can manage that.

One of the reasons why I suspect that the home base approach isn't done more often is because it does make it harder for the two parents to "move-on" with their lives, date again, and dad (or the non-custodial parent) has to suck up the fact that they don't always get as much time as they want. The home-base approach really requires two people who understand that the choice they got was to divorce, but that now their primary responsibility is to make the situation as easy on their kids as possible- which often means making it more difficcult on them. Unfortunately, many people get divorced precisely because they don't want to/can't co-parent with their ex, or put their kids/families' needs in front of their own. For those kinds of people the "home-base" approach would be impossible.

14:33 here...yep that is pretty much the attitude of the people I know with the home base approach. They found it was a bit ridiculous for one parent to be trying to get each kid to different places while the other parent sat at home, willing to help but couldn't as it wasn't 'their' time. It has helped them not really have to single parent as much even though they are divorced. dad actually gets a lot more time with the kids as he sees them most days.

Ass for moving on...In my friends cases... the one whose parents did the home base approach, his mom remarried when he was quite young, and dad remarried when he was a teen. I don't know exactly how that worked. With my friends who are now doing the home base, dad is dating someone and mom has a 'friend' (not sure exactly what the relationship is!). I know it has caused a few bumps and they've set 'rules' (i.e dad doesn't bring GF to mom's house) but it doesn't seem to have gotten in the way overall.

I completely understand this not working for everyone - it takes a lot of effort on the part of the parents but I think it is pretty great for the kids. It does have benefits for the parents too...not having to single parent as much, having extra help, and having more flexibility. That said parents have to get along or be able to put their differences/feelings aside, and need to live close together.

I lived for 2 years 3 days in one place, 4 days in another and hated it with a passion. I always wanted something I had left at the other place, always felt like I was on the move, and disliked having two different lives (everything was different in each house) It was exhausting and unsettling, and neither place felt completely like home as I always had to leave in a few days. Now I started this when older so I knew what it was like to live in one place and have a home so it was a big adjustment. If this had been my life forever, it might have been a different experience for me.

[Anonymous]

They found it was a bit ridiculous for one parent to be trying to get each kid to different places while the other parent sat at home, willing to help but couldn't as it wasn't 'their' time.

Huh? I know several divorced parents with two or more children who chip in when they can with things like soccer practice and games.

I actually think home base is great but my child's father would not hear of it. He makes co-parenting complicated at every turn. And he left the marriage, so it's not that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They found it was a bit ridiculous for one parent to be trying to get each kid to different places while the other parent sat at home, willing to help but couldn't as it wasn't 'their' time.

Huh? I know several divorced parents with two or more children who chip in when they can with things like soccer practice and games.

I actually think home base is great but my child's father would not hear of it. He makes co-parenting complicated at every turn. And he left the marriage, so it's not that!

14:33 here..I agree it takes a commitment from both parents. In both the cases I mentioned there were no affairs, abuse or addictions involved and both parents had to be committed to co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 15. I saw it coming and was happy that it happened. We didn't really do any sort of visitation thing. As it turned out my brother (who was 13) went to live w/ my dad and I stayed with mom and neither really saw the other parent. I think my parents should have worked out a real visitation schedule but I think they were exhausted and we were in our teens so they didn't think they could "make" us do anything. When my mom remarried I was in college so I never felt like the new home was mine. But the divorce isn't really what traumatized me. More my alcoholic father and my parents dysfunctional relationship.

[Anonymous]

"That's what we do, it's worked. Your H may want perfect 50-50, many fathers do, you can make that work, too"

How do you do a "perfect" 50/50 split, assuming school aged children?

[Anonymous]

Oh, and how do you handle holidays, birthdays, etc. with a 50/50 split?

[Anonymous]

My parents split when I was 3 1/2 and my brother was 6 weeks old. They were both remarried by the time I was 6. For me, that was a good time because I don't remember my parents divorce, and my step-mother has been in my life as long as I can remember (my mother ended up getting a second divorce while I was in middle school and is now married to her elementary school boyfriend.) My husband's parents divorced when he was 3, and he also has no memory of them together. I think if you're going to do it, you should do it sooner rather than later. My mom stuck with her second husband for "the kids" and I cannot tell you how much I hated that man and was so happy when she finally got the guts to kick him out. It also demonstrated what an unhealthy relationship looks like, while my Dad and Step-mother had a very good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Holidays and birthdays are every other, two weeks vacation apiece during summer, split school vacations, for the overnight schedule, some do 2-2-3, some for 4/3 on week, 3/4 the next, some do every other week.


http://www.custodyxchange.com/blog/2010/06/examples-of-5050-child-custody-schedules/