Sister books the same wedding venue I wanted to get married at

[Anonymous]

One up her at the wedding and announce you are pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Can I talk about how my sister dresses like me, has similar hobbies to me and tries to out do me.

Some examples. A few years ago I was bored of my non-profit job and I wanted to do something else. After researching, I decided I may way to work in the small tech industry in the DC area. I started interviewing at places and was not much successful. Then I heard that my sister, who was in Sales, suddenly switched a job to tech company in DC...Literally right after I told her about my plans. As luck would have it, she got the job while my interviews did not go anywhere.

I got into cooking and baking hardcore and have an instagram food blog. Suddenly she is into cooking. She likes to make 7 course meals over weekends after buying various cookbooks.

I have a particular style of dress. Lo and behold, she literally copies my styles head to toe.

I am an English major and read classics in school. I am a major architecture and museum buff. I go spend hours visiting old historic homes and museums and it was my dream to get married in one. My sister who is a business major who doesn't know the difference between baroque and beaux arts is suddenly coveting the exact same building for her wedding! WHY?

I am so sick of her being a shadow. I need my own life without her copying and outdoing me. Maybe this is in my head. I need an appointment with my therapist.

Yes, do this. There’s a lot to untangle in just what you wrote here. Or move far enough away that you’re no longer in each other’s orbit.

Maybe it was the rich in-laws’ idea since they’re the ones paying for it. What should she have done, say no because it would offend you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Your sister is a self-centered B. No question about that. And I say that as someone with two sisters.

The issue is where you go from here, how do you choose to feel about this. Do you want to let her get to you? You are choosing to make this mean something that causes you to feel bad. I would talk to a therapist about how to reframe this in your mind so it does not drive you crazy. You are giving her power over your feelings. Wouldn't it be great to be able to not give a crap about this at all and laugh at her for her pettiness and total lack of creativity? Wouldn't it be great to have her money and beauty AND be able to think for yourself. Too bad for her that she is so pathetic.

Well, speaking of therapy...

It’s not like OPs wedding ideas were super original... it’s an existing venue, and a Pinterest board, ffs.

This is making OP crazy and this is a long standing pattern of her relationship with her sister, if she went into all the details of the long standing pattern we would call her crazy, but that doesn't mean it is not true. I think choosing a place your sister wanted to get married to get married is petty and self-centered, the fact that 50 other weddings take place there a year doesn't mean it is not different when your sister does it. All I am suggesting is that she take back control of her feelings from her sister and figure out how to not care and see her sister for as small as she is. I am suggesting that she take the power over her feelings away from her sister. Being dismissive of the OP's feelings is also not a path to resolving them.

NP. There is no evidence that OP’s sister knew that OP had coveted this wedding venue before. From OP’s last post, it sounds like her sister was surprised to hear that from OP. And it hardly matters now for OP — she’s already married, so it’s not like she’s ever going to host her own wedding there, unless she’s willing to divorce and start over. OP may have hurt feelings because she couldn’t afford that venue back when she was getting married, but it’s not like her sister caused that or could resolve it for her.

Actually, in OP's first post she says that her sister knew how sad OP had been that she could not get married in this specific location.

I do not know if it is conscious or unconscious that OP's sister is doing this. But OP needs to find the comedy in it and stop giving it power over her. Family dynamics are weird things. If someone is malicious then it is good to gain perspective and space, if someone is clueless it is really helpful to recognize the pattern and learn how to let it go, whether by talking about it or acknowledging to yourself that it is unintentional and a twisted form of flattery. It is okay to cry about it too. What is not okay is to deny OP's feelings as valid because it was a long time ago and she is already married.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately her mirroring of you - either to mimic or compete - reflects a profound lack of her own self confidence and/or originality on her part, which is much sadder than your situation, if you think about it. It still sucks but it probably sucks more to be her.

[Anonymous]

You are annoyed bc you are jealous that she can afford the wedding you can't. I mean that's a real feeling but you have to look inward to eliminate the source of it, not outward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also her wedding decor pinterest board is a copycat of mine.

How am I not supposed to be annoyed?

Troll alert!!

[Anonymous]

I mean, she's just better than you, at everything. Accept your place.

[Anonymous]

Op she is pretty so what, she doesn't have any original ideas, she lacks imagination or creativity, she has to copy others because she can't think of anything herself. As you get older, looks don't matter but creativity does.

Be so glad that you have your own interests that are genuine and that you are your own person.

You are stuck in this loop of competition with your sister and wouldn't be great to opt out and just enjoy your life rather be stuck in this thing with her.

I would stop telling her personal info about you. Don't tell her when you are planning on getting pregnant, no baby names, no idea on how you are decorating the nursery, where you are going on vacation, next job idea, house renovations, hobbies, simply nothing.

Do things at your own pace and keep being interested in your hobbies and things you enjoy.

Perhaps down the track she will grow out of it, or you may find you both end up doing similar things because that's where you are in life.

Keep in mind baking/cooking is hugely popular at the moment and I don't think she is having her wedding there because its an interest of hers, she just knows it will look great, perhaps like someone else said she's a Bridgerton fan, she can't think of a place herself so took your idea. Again she couldn't think of these things herself so in some ways pity her lack confidence and imagination.

[Anonymous]

I would have really liked to get married in Disneyland, but there was not way I could spend that kind of money on a wedding. I would certainly not be mad if anyone else I know got married there, I would be thrilled to get invited to a Disneyland wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take some time to grieve, then let it go. She won’t change. It you’ll be able to enjoy a beautiful day without paying or organizing it. You can decide how much you want to participate in the forthcoming bridezillary

Can you imagine how pathetic you must be to need to "grieve" your sister getting married at a venue you wanted a few years ago? Like how ridiculous is that?

+1 Yikes. Presumably OP was fortunate enough to meet a man she wanted to marry and build a life with, and she had her own wedding, which I hope she didn’t spend wishing she were somewhere else. What is there to “grieve”? The loss of a fancier venue? What the heck.

It’s actually sad because people like OP can’t be happy with what they have, or appreciate true joy in the things that are most important - spending time with people they love, etc. She can’t be happy for her sister and look forward to dancing the night away at her sister’s wedding in this beautiful place with her own DH. Anyone who would need to grieve the loss of the wedding she couldn’t afford will struggle to be happy in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Can I talk about how my sister dresses like me, has similar hobbies to me and tries to out do me.

Some examples. A few years ago I was bored of my non-profit job and I wanted to do something else. After researching, I decided I may way to work in the small tech industry in the DC area. I started interviewing at places and was not much successful. Then I heard that my sister, who was in Sales, suddenly switched a job to tech company in DC...Literally right after I told her about my plans. As luck would have it, she got the job while my interviews did not go anywhere.

I got into cooking and baking hardcore and have an instagram food blog. Suddenly she is into cooking. She likes to make 7 course meals over weekends after buying various cookbooks.

I have a particular style of dress. Lo and behold, she literally copies my styles head to toe.

I am an English major and read classics in school. I am a major architecture and museum buff. I go spend hours visiting old historic homes and museums and it was my dream to get married in one. My sister who is a business major who doesn't know the difference between baroque and beaux arts is suddenly coveting the exact same building for her wedding! WHY?

I am so sick of her being a shadow. I need my own life without her copying and outdoing me. Maybe this is in my head. I need an appointment with my therapist.

Sales to tech sounds more plausible than non-profit to tech, but who knows. Maybe you gave her the idea? She's still not the reason you didn't get the jobs.

Everybody cooks. Especially if this was during the lockdown, 90% of people I know got into baking bread or making elaborate meals.

You were an English major so only you can have a nice venue (which you didn't even use)? What? Business majors are supposed to get married in hotel lobbies or nothing else? And she's not "coveting" the building, she's getting married there. If anything, you are coveting it. It was never yours. You don't own it.

YOU. SOUND. NUTS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One up her at the wedding and announce you are pregnant!

I mean, sure, but her sister's kids will just be cuter and richer anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sister sent me a text this morning about the venue and sent me pictures telling me how beautiful it is. I said wow it looks beautiful! Funny, I wanted to get married there too.

She said oh well now you can attend a venue there!

I didn't even know what to say. Like is that going to make me feel better?

so the only way to feel better is to just stop and drop the rope.

You don't need to be jealous. You don't need to worry about her one upping you because there is no such thing.

So you reply "OMG! so beautiful! I can't wait to attend. I looked at this venue for our wedding but it didn't work out. I am so happy for you!" And that's what happened. The venue didn't work out because of the budget but you just tell her it didn't work out because the place you got married was the best fit for your wedding - that is if she ever asks.

If she embraces baking - "Yeah! Now we can compare baking notes! Look at my latest bake"
if she embraces architecture -" There is a great exhibit coming up - let's go check it out together!"

[Anonymous]

Whatever your sister does - however much she copies you - doesn’t detract from who you are, or your own interests and accomplishments. Her seven course meal doesn’t diminish your culinary creations or food blog, or anything that you find value or meaning in, as you live your own life. It shouldn’t diminish your joy; your sister may have booked this venue, but you still have your fascination and endless interest in architecture and history, etc. - who gives a F if she has her wedding there and you don’t?

This dynamic with your sister - both of you are feeding it. She may be copying you (which is flattering, in reality) but you don’t seem to value your accomplishments, interests, etc. once she “trumps” them. You need to stop giving a F and just enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Can I talk about how my sister dresses like me, has similar hobbies to me and tries to out do me.

Some examples. A few years ago I was bored of my non-profit job and I wanted to do something else. After researching, I decided I may way to work in the small tech industry in the DC area. I started interviewing at places and was not much successful. Then I heard that my sister, who was in Sales, suddenly switched a job to tech company in DC...Literally right after I told her about my plans. As luck would have it, she got the job while my interviews did not go anywhere.

I got into cooking and baking hardcore and have an instagram food blog. Suddenly she is into cooking. She likes to make 7 course meals over weekends after buying various cookbooks.

I have a particular style of dress. Lo and behold, she literally copies my styles head to toe.

I am an English major and read classics in school. I am a major architecture and museum buff. I go spend hours visiting old historic homes and museums and it was my dream to get married in one. My sister who is a business major who doesn't know the difference between baroque and beaux arts is suddenly coveting the exact same building for her wedding! WHY?

I am so sick of her being a shadow. I need my own life without her copying and outdoing me. Maybe this is in my head. I need an appointment with my therapist.

OP, as I noted up thread, your sister may indeed be an a**hole but you are the one renting her space in your head. She is not going to change but you don't have to let this control your life. Work on how you can let go and move on. Good luck. I know this is hard.