If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I do believe that there are some families this works for - where the wife has no serious career goals, does not need tons of timd with her husband, and finds staying home and the money rewarding, and the husband does manage just enough time home so the kids know him. But they aren't in the majority. And let me tell you, it is very hard to see a dad working 80 hrs a wek with a newborn. It really does make you wonder.

OMG. Really? How's the view from up there? Just do what you think is best for your family and teacher husband or whatever. We'll do what we think is best with our law degrees. But please, don't waste the brain power you have "wondering" about my family and how we make it work. We're doing more than fine. I promise you.

While money is very important, I know firsthand how sad some kids are knowing they never see their parents. I am teacher married to a teacher. And although we're not making loads of money, we do spend a lot of time with our two children. We can't do mornings b/c of our hours, but one of us picks up the kids almost everyday, and I'm usually able to volunteer at least once a month at their school.

Our afternoons are not rushed. I have time to help with homework and to make dinner. Granted, we spend quite a bit of time planning for the next day, and grading does take up time, too. But the trade offs are great. Holidays are spent together, and I'm not forced to place my kids in camp during the summer months. A week of camp, in fact, is enrichment for them and not daycare.

I cannot imagine having an absentee spouse, nor could I handle spending so much time at work that I'd miss out on time I'd spend with my children.

When you die, you don't take it with you. And I'd hate to think that I put money over my own kids.

So I do feel sorry for some of you, but you had to know what you were getting into. I most certainly did.

I'm really saddened by all of the smug teachers (and teacher's wives) on here. I really hope my kid is not in your class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former big law associate here. Now, fed attorney. I saw a lot of partners who took long lunches, long dinners, read the paper at their desk. They seemed to enjoy office time more than actual personal time. This led to other people working longer hours because if the boss takes a long late lunch, meetings start late, last longer.... Boss doesn't review work until after finishes long dinner and read the paper.... It seemed to me, the desire to stY at work or be in he office was stronger than going home. It wasn't that they wre always working but delaying which caused others to delay going home too.

Maybe they are thinking, Don Draper style...some people are like this. And when the wife gets fed up and leaves, they can "buy" a newer, younger one so what do they care? They think writing the checks for college makes them a good dad. And the 'busy at work' is the perfect excuse, it's like cheating without having to sneak around.

[Anonymous]

I suspect many of them are cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever asked yourself if he has a girlfriend? Every night he doesn't come home until 10:00 p.m.? He doesn't want to be around you, obviously, and chances are good he does have something going on the side.

Do you know ANYTHING about BigLaw? This is completely normal for the profession, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former big law associate here. Now, fed attorney. I saw a lot of partners who took long lunches, long dinners, read the paper at their desk. They seemed to enjoy office time more than actual personal time. This led to other people working longer hours because if the boss takes a long late lunch, meetings start late, last longer.... Boss doesn't review work until after finishes long dinner and read the paper.... It seemed to me, the desire to stY at work or be in he office was stronger than going home. It wasn't that they wre always working but delaying which caused others to delay going home too.

YES YES YES. This is absolutely what I've experienced in BigLaw the past four years. I think that a big part of it is people wanting to be there late to show how "committed" they are to the firm. There's also the perception that the later you're there, the harder you work. It's disappointing that there's this perception, because it makes it much harder to get out of work at a decent hour, especially when people stay late when it's not necessary, and keep other people there late as well. I've noticed that certain people just do not want to go home and stretch their days out, although obviously this is not the case for everyone.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a trial lawyer at DOJ -- deputy chief of his section -- and leaves at 8, is never home before 9, travels all the time, and works all weekend. He has to, their understaffed and their cases are huge and get tons of press coverage. So. Try doing it all with no big salary. I'm also a lawyer but at a nice firm, make $225k, and have good work life balance. It can be done but it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Big law atty here - I leave work at 5, and work from 9-midnight about 3 nights a week. I work about 3-5 hours on the weekend. Granted, I have not made partner yet (and who knows if I will), but I think it's hilarious that I work WAY less hours and make the same amount of money as these men. I also work with men who leave at around 6, work at night, and work on the weekend - they work more than me, but they are not working like the men described in these posts. We do NOT make an amount commensurate with the hours worked. Why do people continue to perpetuate this lifestyle? I think it's an East Coast thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the notion that biglaw partners have autonomy, I can only say, "yeah, you'd think so." Here's two real life examples: I became a biglaw partner due to my expertise in a tiny and very important area of law. So when big shot partner's big time corporate client had this particular issue, they'd call me. I was fully occupied and well-paid with great work and brought none of it in on my own. While I had the ability to work around my kids' schedules a fair amount, I was not autonomous. DH, on the other hand became partner and soon had 100% his own bigtime corporate clients. He's been fully busy and extremely well compensated for 10 years answering to no one but the clients. Technically, he's autonomous because he has his own clients but really the clients can call 24/7 from anywhere in the world and DH doesn't control the court's calendar, of course. The far far more common scenario in biglaw is that an associate comes up through the ranks working for one or two bigtime partners working on their one or two bigtime clients. When associate becomes partner, his responsibilities with the clients and in the courtroom hopefully and presumably increase, not decrease. So, you can say you're "more autonomous" because you have one less lawyer layer above you or an extra lawyer layer below you but it doesn't hold much meaning in practice. It's still lots and lots of work. And if you don't somehow secure a bigtime client of your own by the time you're 45 or so, you're job isn't even secure.

Sad but 100% true. Partnership does not usually bring autonomy. The clients are always in charge -- they're paying top dollar for 24-7 service. Plus, partnership brings new non-billable requirements -- when you factor in business development and administrative responsibilities, the demands are often far steeper on the partners than the associates.

Some of the most unhappy lawyers I know are non-equity partners. They make perfectly good money, but they lack job security and are frustrated by the expectation that they maintain their hours AND now bring in new clients to the firm.

There are no free rides in BigLaw. If your income goes up, your responsibilities and obligations do, too.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole discussion is giving me real pause. I have a great opportunity to get back full time plus into the work force after working part-time for the last two years. It is a dream job, but DH is a big law partner and works long hours, and I am nervous about what this will do to our lives and our kids lives (have a baby and older kid).

From what I have observed (granted, it's a limited sample size), the biglaw partners married to wives with careers tend to have much more balanced lives than biglaw partners whose wives are SAH. I would speculate that there are several reasons for this: 1) their wives have work events that are non-negotiable, so DH has to step up to the childcare homeplate more often than their counterparts with SAH wives; 2) their marriages are more equitable, so DHs end up doing more childcare/home duties than their counterparts with SAH wives.

So long as your FT position allows you reasonable predictability and hours, I would try it.

Very insightful. I hadn't thought of it before, but your observation certainly resonates when I think of the biglaw partners I know.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for many years - it was hard when the kids were little, but DH always made time even if it was one night getting home at 7 for dinner and one full day on the weekend. He always made it to weekend sporting events and school events, looking back, it wasn't always easy, but now he is an equity partner and college is paid for, our house is paid for, private school for two kids is paid for easily and he left the big firm a few years ago and started his own firm with a few of his partners - couldnt believe it, but he doubled his salary the first year and now works on his own terms. Last year he worked a lot to get the firm going and made a ton - so he can coast a little this year. He works from home a few days a week now and picks the kids up from school - does all the food shopping too which I love - we are a close family and our kids (tween/early teens) have a good work ethic which we are proud of (they are go-getters because it makes them feel good - they babysit, volunteer, walk dogs, cut grass, involved at school etc. - like the $$ but that's not the only reason - they grew up with me volunteering constantly and loving it and that was a positive I suppose. We travel a good deal now and it is fantastic family time - but our house and lifestyle is othwise pretty modest. I guess what Im trying to say is that we are in our 40s and the security feels good (we are debt free and saved all the years we could only travel 1 week in the summer). We both grew up middle class and can help out our parents now. Im proud of DH and I'd say it was worth it - but there's a hard climb before you can coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect many of them are cheating.

It's the nature of the beast to work long hours. Doctors work long hours, are they cheating too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM for many years - it was hard when the kids were little, but DH always made time even if it was one night getting home at 7 for dinner and one full day on the weekend. He always made it to weekend sporting events and school events, looking back, it wasn't always easy, but now he is an equity partner and college is paid for, our house is paid for, private school for two kids is paid for easily and he left the big firm a few years ago and started his own firm with a few of his partners - couldnt believe it, but he doubled his salary the first year and now works on his own terms. Last year he worked a lot to get the firm going and made a ton - so he can coast a little this year. He works from home a few days a week now and picks the kids up from school - does all the food shopping too which I love - we are a close family and our kids (tween/early teens) have a good work ethic which we are proud of (they are go-getters because it makes them feel good - they babysit, volunteer, walk dogs, cut grass, involved at school etc. - like the $$ but that's not the only reason - they grew up with me volunteering constantly and loving it and that was a positive I suppose. We travel a good deal now and it is fantastic family time - but our house and lifestyle is othwise pretty modest. I guess what Im trying to say is that we are in our 40s and the security feels good (we are debt free and saved all the years we could only travel 1 week in the summer). We both grew up middle class and can help out our parents now. Im proud of DH and I'd say it was worth it - but there's a hard climb before you can coast.

Thank you, this is helpful! As mom to two toddlers with a husband in biglaw frequently traveling and always working late/weekends, it is sometimes hard to see what he is working for. Hopefully we will get to where you are one day.

Do you have any thoughts on whether it would have made it easier/harder/no difference if you had worked? I currently work full time, but we talk about me cutting back or stopping, but I don't know if that would only result in even more loneliness, which is for us the biggest problem with DH's hours.

[Anonymous]

PP here - I gave up a demanding job when we transferred to DC for DHs big law job - we had an infant and a 2 year old at the time and he went from a 9-5 gov position with some travel to a big firm, so the move made the initial decision easy in terms of staying home. It was the also the most difficult transition for us because I loved working, and in the early years he was in NY almost 50 percent of the time so everything in our lives changed regarding our roles (I had previously made more than him etc., we were 50/50 with the kids, dishes etc. I knew nobody when we moved here and no family etc.

That said - I found an amazing group of professional women in my neighborhood that were in the same boat (left careers with second kid). We were there for each other and almost all of us are back to work in some capacity now - but none of us have power jobs. In fact all of us worked as consultants at first to ease back in and control our hours .... I think that is a great plus about DC - you can repackage your skills.to reflect your interests - its a great way to network and I have found that firms and associations are always looking for good people and are willing to work with you in terms of hours. I work 20-30 hours a week when I'm consulting and pare back in the summer. I find life very rewarding this way - hope that helps. (Most of us started easing back to work once our youngest was in school full time.)

[Anonymous]

My husband is not in big law, but generally leaves at 8:15a and gets home around 9p. He also works Saturday and Sunday one weekend a month. With young children, we never eat dinner together during the week. He takes the kids to school in the morning unless he has an early meeting. I SAH right now and he works. This arrangement works for us, and we do not have the income to have a housekeeper or a babysitter unless absolutely necessary. Are there times that I am tired of being a virtual single parent during the week. Of course. Are there times that he is burnt out with his schedule. Absolutely. I think the hardest thing for us is to not take each other for granted and to remember that we are both working hard to support our family. He spends the weekends he is at home with our kids. We are lucky in that he has enough flexibility that if necessary he can get to back to school nights, etc.

My husband used to be active duty in the navy, and there are many independent women (and men) who do just fine managing the family while their spouses are deployed. For those who make this work, the spouse at home usually enjoys the autonomy of decisionmaking and has a strong support network of family or friends. The hardest part is the transitions. In my experience with a circle of friends whose husbands or wives work long hours and/or travel a lot, this applies to them as well.

[Anonymous]

This was a very good thread, that I wanted to bring back to life if possible. My husband has a great chance of making partner this year. What would you say the hours are like the first two years? We have a new baby and I have been a real B to him lately as I'm always tired. I'm back at work now on a reduced schedule, but still feel overwhelmed all the time.

Anyway, he works so hard for our family, but now I'm freaking out that this holy grail of partnership isn't going to mean more time at home with us