Are you paying or contributing to your kids weddings?

[Anonymous]

I think a good ratio is: 1/2 of the attendees are Bride & Groom's friends, their peer group. 1/4 are the Bride's family/relatives/friends of parents the parents may want to invite. 1/4 same for the Groom's family/relatives/friends of parents the parents may want to invite.

This is what I would do if, as MOB, our family was paying it all. If the couple is paying it all, I guess they truly get to decide all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 DCs- two girls and a boy. We just finished paying for college and we are now putting 1/2 the money aside for their ‘wedding’ fund. It will be their choice on how they use this money, wedding/ honeymoon or down payment.

I am struggling a bit with whether I should just give them a set amount when they turn certain age and then have them decide how they want to spend it, or whether I should pay for their weddings. These are a bit different things. For example, a larger wedding means that more of my family will be invited, and I don't want to discourage it by providing a set amount. So at least at this point, I am thinking that I will pay for a (reasonable) wedding and then give each a set amount to start their adult lives.

Very valid point. However, what if your kid and their partner do not want a large wedding? Will you still pay for the 30 person destination wedding or local 30 person wedding? Even if you don't get to invite your big family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 DCs- two girls and a boy. We just finished paying for college and we are now putting 1/2 the money aside for their ‘wedding’ fund. It will be their choice on how they use this money, wedding/ honeymoon or down payment.

I am struggling a bit with whether I should just give them a set amount when they turn certain age and then have them decide how they want to spend it, or whether I should pay for their weddings. These are a bit different things. For example, a larger wedding means that more of my family will be invited, and I don't want to discourage it by providing a set amount. So at least at this point, I am thinking that I will pay for a (reasonable) wedding and then give each a set amount to start their adult lives.

This interesting thing about this approach is the assumption that you will have input over the guest list. That’s fine and many parents do that. However I would view a wedding as the purview of the adults getting married.

+1000

Now, our kids are nowhere near the "getting married" point. But we fully recognize that their weddings are for them. We will fund whatever they want (we can afford it) within reason (not paying for 200 people to attend a destination wedding, whereby we are paying for airfares/hotels/meals/etc for everyone, but will pay for the wedding wherever they want it)
Husband comes from a large family, and culture where weddings are typically about showing off to your friends and family (been to several 500+ person weddings on that side in the last 30+ years). We know our kids do not want anything like that, and we won't make them invite relatives they don't know (there are A LOT) or our friends they do not know. We only request that we get to invite a few friends (thinking 14-20, and all of those friends are also well known/friends of our kids and our kids are friends with their kids). But no, we don't need to invite our colleagues whom our kids barely know. It's a day about our kids, not us.

[Anonymous]

Our sons are too young to think about marriage.We plan giving a lump sum. We would do the same for a daughter.

We give depending on our relationship the couple.

[Anonymous]

Sons are 23 and 20. Hopefully they get married over the next 10 years. Weddings are expensive in our culture and we'll spend upto 50% of whatever it takes, assuming the bride is from the same culture and her parents spends the other 50%.
We have about $10M net worth (outside of house) so whatever we spend would just be a subtraction from their eventual inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 DCs- two girls and a boy. We just finished paying for college and we are now putting 1/2 the money aside for their ‘wedding’ fund. It will be their choice on how they use this money, wedding/ honeymoon or down payment.

I am struggling a bit with whether I should just give them a set amount when they turn certain age and then have them decide how they want to spend it, or whether I should pay for their weddings. These are a bit different things. For example, a larger wedding means that more of my family will be invited, and I don't want to discourage it by providing a set amount. So at least at this point, I am thinking that I will pay for a (reasonable) wedding and then give each a set amount to start their adult lives.

Very valid point. However, what if your kid and their partner do not want a large wedding? Will you still pay for the 30 person destination wedding or local 30 person wedding? Even if you don't get to invite your big family?

PP to whom you are responding. My thinking is simply to have each child have the wedding they want (within reasons).

[Anonymous]

How is this broached with the groom's family? Does the groom ask his parents if/what they will contribute, or does the bride's family do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen boys.

If they don't have a destination wedding, we will pay for a very nice honeymoon of their choosing within a generous budget.

Obviously, having 2 boys, we will have zero say in the matter since the bride usually gets what she wants in every wedding detail.

We find destination weddings to be so tacky, gauche, shallow and selfish.

Destination weddings inconvenience all of the guests in a very expensive way. Destination weddings:

- make less affluent friends and family have to either go into credit card debt to attend the wedding to support the bride and groom, or skip the wedding of a loved one because they can't afford to attend

- require guests to use all their precious vacation time on an expensive multi thousands of dollar trip that they did not pick out for themselves or choose the budget for

- forces guests to pay for your dream wedding in an underhanded tacky way

- results in poorer loved ones, friends and families feeling embarrased and unwanted if they cant afford to jaunt off to a resort in the carribean

- are a huge imposition for loved ones with children

- are soooo difficult for elderly family members like grandparents.

- the bride and groom end up with all their inlaws in tow on their honeymoon


For these reasons and more, we would be really embarrased if our kids have a destination wedding that requires such imposition on guests and loved ones, just to get your guests to pay for your wedding and so you can get fancy beach photos for social media.

If they choose poorly and end up with a bride that insists on a destination wedding, we will zip our mouths, smile politely, gush about how pretty the beach photos will be, and pay for a block of rooms for the family on our side who are able to attend, to lessen their financial burden, but we will not pay for a honeymoon.

+100
I once attended a destination wedding. Not because I could afford it, not because I wanted to ever visit that destination, but because the bride who was my friend basically, subtly but clearly, let all of us know that if we didn't attend that she would consider it a statement about our friendship. I was to young and impressionable to stand up for myself. We all attended and it was beautiful but now years later only 1 of our group is still friends with her. Her "loving" demands led to the end of 4 once solid friendships.

Never again.

[Anonymous]

I once read on DCUM many years ago a post in reply to a wedding-related thread a comment that went along the lines of: no on beyond the bride and groom and their immediate families really care about attending or not attending a wedding. At first I shook my head in disagreement and then really thought about it. It is kind of true actually. Beyond the couple, their parents and maybe their grandparents most of the attendees can take it or leave it when it comes to a wedding. It just is not that important to the vast majority of the attendees.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

Except some places like Long Island and New Jersey people write the check at the reception, I would give $1,000 at a fancy wedding the one where there are food trucks and tap beer I might give tops $200 bucks. So cheap weddings can cost more. The trick is not to go over the top, but not so cheap people give you $100 buck gifts.

Wow. How well do you know these people? $100 seems like a pretty good gift, depending on how close you are to them.

$100? Are you on crack? Also closeness does not matter that much. I went to an old neighbors daughters wedding of a women we have not seen in 8 years. Just me, wife and younger daughter. I gave $800 and thought cheap as nice weddings are at least $250 a person. A few weeks early went to my nephews really fancy wedding the three of us gave $1,000 and that wedding must have been $350 a person so I was actually cheap.

Even a DJ, tent, open bar, decorations, catered food in backyard is above $100 a person

I hardly call covering my plate overly generous.

Generous was in 1998 at my wedding which was $150 a person I got a few $500 to $1,000 per couple gifts. Most gave $200 a couple which was nice but not overly generous and one or two gave $75 which was FU money even in 1998.

Covering your plate is a low class Long Island gypsy mentality.

I’ve never thought paying for the wedding to be the job of the guests. That’s a very novel concept to me. How much someone chooses to spend on their wedding is on them.

So if I go out to a steak house with you and bill is $500 for two of us I guess I can pay $50 as I don’t have to cover the plate.

My cheapest guest was my cheap ass one uncle who gave $75 at my wedding for two people on 1998. Cost me close to $300 for two of them, my wife was spitting fire writing thank you note.

He died last year and my wife goes heard your cheap uncle died. Like 9/11 wonen never forget who gave cheapest gift

If you throw a holiday party, do you expect your guests to bring a present that is somehow equal to the estimated cost per person of your holiday party...or better yet, do you expect they give you a cash gift?

Our holiday parties have bartenders, entertainment, we hire wait staff...I actually don't want anyone who attends to give me anything except an invite to a party they through (and we don't care if that invite is just a barbecue or something informal).

But you are not a 25 year girl spending every cent she owns on a wedding inviting Millionaires who screw over the bride by being cheap. I throw big bashes now I dont want anything. But when I was married without a pot to pee in throwing a wedding where I rolled every last penny I had to make it nice for my guests I have no love for Millionaires pulling up in Mercedes handing out $75 checks. Stay home. My poor widowed aunts I appreicate even a $5 dollar check. But not you rich folk.

If you are spending every cent you have on a wedding you are so stupid that you deserve what you get! If you cannot afford a big wedding then had a small one or a courthouse wedding- that’s what smart people do. Or a destination wedding with parents only.

[Anonymous]

In our culture (Middle Eastern), the groom pays for the wedding. I know in American culture, it's the bride who pays for the wedding. We have a boy and a girl. I just pray that the girl marries a groom from our culture, and the boy marries an American girl ... Hopefully not the other way around .. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

Except some places like Long Island and New Jersey people write the check at the reception, I would give $1,000 at a fancy wedding the one where there are food trucks and tap beer I might give tops $200 bucks. So cheap weddings can cost more. The trick is not to go over the top, but not so cheap people give you $100 buck gifts.

Wow. How well do you know these people? $100 seems like a pretty good gift, depending on how close you are to them.

$100? Are you on crack? Also closeness does not matter that much. I went to an old neighbors daughters wedding of a women we have not seen in 8 years. Just me, wife and younger daughter. I gave $800 and thought cheap as nice weddings are at least $250 a person. A few weeks early went to my nephews really fancy wedding the three of us gave $1,000 and that wedding must have been $350 a person so I was actually cheap.

Even a DJ, tent, open bar, decorations, catered food in backyard is above $100 a person

I hardly call covering my plate overly generous.

Generous was in 1998 at my wedding which was $150 a person I got a few $500 to $1,000 per couple gifts. Most gave $200 a couple which was nice but not overly generous and one or two gave $75 which was FU money even in 1998.

Covering your plate is a low class Long Island gypsy mentality.

no it is something most people think about. I give differently if attending a wedding that costs $300/person versus $100/person.

No, it is not.

Expecting your guests to give you enough cash to pay for their food is low class and trashy.

We don't expect it. However, we definately think about it when we attend weddings. Don't be cheap...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 DCs- two girls and a boy. We just finished paying for college and we are now putting 1/2 the money aside for their ‘wedding’ fund. It will be their choice on how they use this money, wedding/ honeymoon or down payment.

I am struggling a bit with whether I should just give them a set amount when they turn certain age and then have them decide how they want to spend it, or whether I should pay for their weddings. These are a bit different things. For example, a larger wedding means that more of my family will be invited, and I don't want to discourage it by providing a set amount. So at least at this point, I am thinking that I will pay for a (reasonable) wedding and then give each a set amount to start their adult lives.

Very valid point. However, what if your kid and their partner do not want a large wedding? Will you still pay for the 30 person destination wedding or local 30 person wedding? Even if you don't get to invite your big family?

PP to whom you are responding. My thinking is simply to have each child have the wedding they want (within reasons).

And I agree! We set how much we can pay and then the couple gets to choose how to use it. It's their wedding.

[Anonymous]

How is this broached with the groom's family? Does the groom ask his parents if/what they will contribute, or does the bride's family do this?

Usual communication/concerns are voiced from you --> to the bride --> to the groom --> by the groom to his parents. As the bride's parents, you hope for the best. You hope they are reasonable people. The very worst case scenario is if groom's family has a long guest list that is overpowering, more than their share AND they do not offer to pay some. But the accuracy of who will actually come is more important. To know that, or have a very early rsvp date. Some families invite a lot but expect far fewer. Without knowing the family well, it's hard for outsiders to predict..

[Anonymous]

This is a huge cultural issue. Some groups, like southeast Asians, will leverage their retirement to pay for a crazy wedding. I've seen other groups of people get no help from their parents other than paying the bar tab at a pub.