my husband's mother hit my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hilarious that people want OP to punish the child for "not behaving for granny" but refuse to punish someone for literally hitting her child. It feels topsy turvy.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child.

Staying away from someone who hit them is not punishing the child. Do you always bring your children around people whove abused them?

you are a drama queen.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child

OP here- I wasn't suggesting that she would be barred from our kids. But she does babysit regularly and this makes me question whether I want her to again. I was curious how others would feel, as my husband and I have different takes. Thanks for your input!

Kids are usually better behaved for adults who are not their parents. FYI

Your grandmother is not the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any child who was physically struck cannot ever grow up to be a normal, productive member of society.

Wut. I was routinely smacked around as a kid and am a pretty well adjusted adult. I don’t have a relationship with my parents, but there are other reasons in addition to the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hilarious that people want OP to punish the child for "not behaving for granny" but refuse to punish someone for literally hitting her child. It feels topsy turvy.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child.

Hiring a paid babysitter/someone who hit the child is not.

? this wasn't a "babysitter". It was a grandparent.

Per OP she was babysitting.

If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

which comes full circle to what I stated:

"not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child"

If we're just repeating ourselves
If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

MIL is probably thrilled. She was trying to help things run more smoothly, getting the grandchild ready while her DIL finished getting dressed, and the child acts like a toddler (at 4, he's not a toddler anymore and that behavior isn't cute anymore). She'll be much happier not dealing with him.

Good! Then ban her from babysitting, and it's a win/win/win. Why are people upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hilarious that people want OP to punish the child for "not behaving for granny" but refuse to punish someone for literally hitting her child. It feels topsy turvy.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child.

Hiring a paid babysitter/someone who hit the child is not.

? this wasn't a "babysitter". It was a grandparent.

Per OP she was babysitting.

If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

which comes full circle to what I stated:

"not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child"

If we're just repeating ourselves
If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

MIL is probably thrilled. She was trying to help things run more smoothly, getting the grandchild ready while her DIL finished getting dressed, and the child acts like a toddler (at 4, he's not a toddler anymore and that behavior isn't cute anymore). She'll be much happier not dealing with him.

Good! Then ban her from babysitting, and it's a win/win/win. Why are people upset about this?

Because OP is in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hilarious that people want OP to punish the child for "not behaving for granny" but refuse to punish someone for literally hitting her child. It feels topsy turvy.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child.

Hiring a paid babysitter/someone who hit the child is not.

? this wasn't a "babysitter". It was a grandparent.

Per OP she was babysitting.

If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

which comes full circle to what I stated:

"not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child"

If we're just repeating ourselves
If MIL cant stop herself from hitting children out of slight frustration, she should not be babysitting.

MIL is probably thrilled. She was trying to help things run more smoothly, getting the grandchild ready while her DIL finished getting dressed, and the child acts like a toddler (at 4, he's not a toddler anymore and that behavior isn't cute anymore). She'll be much happier not dealing with him.

Good! Then ban her from babysitting, and it's a win/win/win. Why are people upset about this?

Because OP is in the wrong here.

In the wrong for what? Banning someone who doesn't even want to babysit, from babysitting? That doesn't make much sense? Or is it because you're just making things up again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hilarious that people want OP to punish the child for "not behaving for granny" but refuse to punish someone for literally hitting her child. It feels topsy turvy.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child.

Staying away from someone who hit them is not punishing the child. Do you always bring your children around people whove abused them?

you are a drama queen.

not letting the child see their grandparent because of one swat on the leg is also punishing the child

OP here- I wasn't suggesting that she would be barred from our kids. But she does babysit regularly and this makes me question whether I want her to again. I was curious how others would feel, as my husband and I have different takes. Thanks for your input!

Drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

DP. It's not so much about hitting or swatting or time-outs or whatever. It's about expectations and enforcement of behavior. Or, in gentle parenting, having no expectation or enforcement of behavior because that is antithetical to gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

DP. It's not so much about hitting or swatting or time-outs or whatever. It's about expectations and enforcement of behavior. Or, in gentle parenting, having no expectation or enforcement of behavior because that is antithetical to gentle parenting.

Just wondering if this person has advice for OP besides having granny hit the child. Clearly there are other ways to go about this issue. It's not uncommon. But not all cargivers are hitting children to teach them to put their shoes on.

[Anonymous]

Swatting a kicking leg is just not the same as spanking.

I’m very antispanking given that I was regularly hit (for normal developmentally appropriate behavior) with a yardstick, a belt and a dog leash, not just my parents’ open palms and occasionally closed fists.

But yeah, swatting the leg of a child who is actively kicking at you to keep you from his feet is just not the same as spanking or any other form of abuse.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:Swatting a kicking leg is just not the same as spanking.

I’m very antispanking given that I was regularly hit (for normal developmentally appropriate behavior) with a yardstick, a belt and a dog leash, not just my parents’ open palms and occasionally closed fists.

But yeah, swatting the leg of a child who is actively kicking at you to keep you from his feet is just not the same as spanking or any other form of abuse.

OP here- she hit the top of his thigh in frustration (her words)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She would never ever babysit again.

And would be lucky if I didn't keep my kid from her forever.

She put her hands on a child that is a no go in my book.

Unacceptable period.

DH is an ass.

She got "frustrated" she leaves the room til she calms down.

What’s with the double spacing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:Swatting a kicking leg is just not the same as spanking.

I’m very antispanking given that I was regularly hit (for normal developmentally appropriate behavior) with a yardstick, a belt and a dog leash, not just my parents’ open palms and occasionally closed fists.

But yeah, swatting the leg of a child who is actively kicking at you to keep you from his feet is just not the same as spanking or any other form of abuse.

OP here- she hit the top of his thigh in frustration (her words)

Now he knows that when he's being obnoxious, he can carry on indefinitely because Mommy will not stop it and will defend his right to do so.

Win!