Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think how you would feel if your wife said she thinks you should get a job making more money because her friends' husbands make more money.

I'm sure she could do more work, just like you could have gotten a job making more money. The answer in either case is to focus on the good fortune you have and what each are doing for the home and family.

I don’t think that would bother the OP. I think it would be more like his wife saying that she wants him to write her love letters, tell more jokes, and be more playful with the kids because she always imagined having a husband who would do that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

OP here. No. I worked while nanny cared for them and then I took over once she left. I cared for them on the weekends solo.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

and yet … somehow it is your wife’s job to cook, clean and take care of a toddler and baby from 4-6 every night? gtfo.

OP here. Yes. It’s our responsibility as parents to feed and care for our children. Why is that such a foreign concept?

ANd she is feeding and caring for them.
And watch your tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

OP here. No. I worked while nanny cared for them and then I took over once she left. I cared for them on the weekends solo.

So you didn't do what she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

OP here. We are not getting divorced. I love my wife very much. We also do not believe in divorce as an option.

Our marriage is good. We do have these issues but it’s nothing we can’t work through. It’s a temporary issue while our kids are young and she’s at home.

I think I just need to talk to her about it. Reassess things.

lol. you sure will get divorced if you don’t pull your head out of your *ss. are you also going to complain next that she’s not at her pre-baby weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife needs to do more.
You need to chat with her. Ask her how she feels about being at home and whether she misses work. You need to have an honest but non-judgemental conversation with her and do it soon before the resentment builds up even more. Maybe try a series of mini conversations.

If you think this conversation is going to go well than you are delustional. Op's wife will pick up on the vibes that she isn't doing enough.

This is going to be a short period when wife goes back to work. Why do you have to upset everything because ir isn't how you like it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

OP here. Honestly, no. We never talked about it. When we had our second, she told me she felt that she didn’t want to go back to work. She gave it more time and decided it was best to stay home when her maternity leave was almost over. I honestly just assumed she would handle everything since we have family members/friends with this same dynamic.

We kept our nanny on because she was with our first since he was 4 months old. She is incredible and felt we could use the help to make things easier on us with two kids and me working long hours. We have always had a housekeeper.

I definitely see that I need to talk with my wife about this. Touch base on how she’s feeling and relay my expectations and come to middle ground.

“Relaying your expectations” is a recipe for disaster. You are not your wife’s boss. This isn’t a performance review.

If your main needs are that you’re cooking too many meals and the house is messier than you like, you discuss with her how the two of you can make that happen. And if she can’t do it, that’s fine and you move to plan B’s: more take out, pre prepared meals or meal kit service, nanny does dinner prep, house keeper comes more often.

The thing is, reading through your other responses, she’s already suggested these things and it seems you’ve rejected them based on what you think she SHOULD be capable of based on your observations of what *other people* *seem* to be doing. And that is a marriage killer right there.

OP here. I just hate cooking. I don’t mind doing any of the cleanup. I just wish she would cook dinner instead of ordering out. It’s expensive and not healthy for us or our kids to be eating so frequently. She opts for frozen meals for the kids when she doesn’t order out. I’m not the greatest cook but I try to cook healthy meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, think how you would feel if your wife said she thinks you should get a job making more money because her friends' husbands make more money.

I'm sure she could do more work, just like you could have gotten a job making more money. The answer in either case is to focus on the good fortune you have and what each are doing for the home and family.

I don’t think that would bother the OP. I think it would be more like his wife saying that she wants him to write her love letters, tell more jokes, and be more playful with the kids because she always imagined having a husband who would do that.

You don't think it would bother OP if she said that? I'm sure it would, and I'm sure he'd feel like maybe she should be grateful for how hard he works and how much money he makes to support their life. And he would be right.

[Anonymous]

OP would you be happier if she worked 40 hours a week? How would you outsource whatever it is you think should be done during those hours? Would your role in the other 128 hours be the same, or would you expect it to change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

OP here. No. I worked while nanny cared for them and then I took over once she left. I cared for them on the weekends solo.

So basically totally different. You worked FT with FT childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think how you would feel if your wife said she thinks you should get a job making more money because her friends' husbands make more money.

I'm sure she could do more work, just like you could have gotten a job making more money. The answer in either case is to focus on the good fortune you have and what each are doing for the home and family.

This is exactly it. Imagine if your wife came to you and said neighbor Bob got a promotion, or Bob bills X,000 hours a year, or Bob makes $XXXk, why can’t you?

Or she said, growing up my Dad was able to make $X thousand dollars why can’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

If the nanny is not doing housekeeping during kids nap time or preschool time; then yes have a real housekeeper come weekly or twice a week to clean/ laundry/ errands/ cook.

[Anonymous]

So let's review.

OP has concluded that his wife is not a good SAHM

Because she does not have a home-cooked meal ready for him at %:30 pm every day and she doesn't clean up the kids toys by herself in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

OP here. Honestly, no. We never talked about it. When we had our second, she told me she felt that she didn’t want to go back to work. She gave it more time and decided it was best to stay home when her maternity leave was almost over. I honestly just assumed she would handle everything since we have family members/friends with this same dynamic.

We kept our nanny on because she was with our first since he was 4 months old. She is incredible and felt we could use the help to make things easier on us with two kids and me working long hours. We have always had a housekeeper.

I definitely see that I need to talk with my wife about this. Touch base on how she’s feeling and relay my expectations and come to middle ground.

“Relaying your expectations” is a recipe for disaster. You are not your wife’s boss. This isn’t a performance review.

If your main needs are that you’re cooking too many meals and the house is messier than you like, you discuss with her how the two of you can make that happen. And if she can’t do it, that’s fine and you move to plan B’s: more take out, pre prepared meals or meal kit service, nanny does dinner prep, house keeper comes more often.

The thing is, reading through your other responses, she’s already suggested these things and it seems you’ve rejected them based on what you think she SHOULD be capable of based on your observations of what *other people* *seem* to be doing. And that is a marriage killer right there.

OP here. I just hate cooking. I don’t mind doing any of the cleanup. I just wish she would cook dinner instead of ordering out. It’s expensive and not healthy for us or our kids to be eating so frequently. She opts for frozen meals for the kids when she doesn’t order out. I’m not the greatest cook but I try to cook healthy meals.

Then say that, but nicely, and suggest a way to handle it that doesn't involve you cooking dinner every night. That seems totally reasonable and fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife needs to do more.
You need to chat with her. Ask her how she feels about being at home and whether she misses work. You need to have an honest but non-judgemental conversation with her and do it soon before the resentment builds up even more. Maybe try a series of mini conversations.

If you think this conversation is going to go well than you are delustional. Op's wife will pick up on the vibes that she isn't doing enough.

This is going to be a short period when wife goes back to work. Why do you have to upset everything because ir isn't how you like it?

Because he isn’t getting all the services he thinks he’s entitled to, that his bros are getting from their SAHWs.