Staying Pretty

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and married. Most of my friends have stayed attractive. I don’t necessarily the time and effort makes someone more pretty. I have a few friends who seem obsessed with beauty routines and I don’t like to hang out with them as much. You can take good care of yourself without telling others. If I am annoyed hearing about it, I’m sure a guy would be more turned off. They want to think you are just attractive.

DH earns a seven figure income and I don’t work. I can spend as much time and money as I want on myself. I also spend 4 hours on skincare/spa per week but no one needs to know or care. I work out daily. I have friends who just don’t eat a lot or drink tons of water and don’t go to the spa and they look fantastic.

I’m not sure why you need to tell these guys how much time and money you spend on your beauty. It makes you sound vain.

Same here. No one on my circle goes on and on about our beauty routines. If anything, we downplay our efforts. You can also divorce the idea of exercise from beauty and just do it because it makes you feel good, which is something you shouldn’t apologize for or over explain.

You downplay your efforts? So you feed into the myth of "natural" aging and that looking effortlessly good comes with minimal effort?

NP here, and I also don’t bore others by droning in about my beauty and fitness routines, even though I spend a lot of time and money on looking good. In the first place, it’s boring and tone-deaf: nobody wants to hear about what I did at the gym or what I’m doing to my skin. In the second place, it is insensitive. Not everyone has the time or money to spend on that kind of routine, and some of my friends struggle with their weight. My best friend thinks our other friend is targeting her when the woman talks about her diet and routine, and…it kind of does look that way. Just really immature and thoughtless. I would rather talk about books or politics or shared experiences, not force a captive audience to hear what I do for vanity (I am vain).

LOL, it's not a choice of discussion between books/politics and beauty routines, is it? But if someone asks what you are doing on Tuesday afternoon, and on Tuesday afternoon, you are going to the gym, do you answer? or do you hide and act coy? that's what OP's situation is about.

I’m the 45yo married pp. I personally work out right after I drop my kids off at school and not in the afternoons. DH knows I do this and doesn’t care. My friends also know this and don’t care. I don’t talk about it, just as I don’t talk about showering and washing my hair. I am a frequent spa goer - nails, facials and massages. Most people don’t ask exact details of your day hour by hour. You are available or not available whether it is because you have a work call, doc appointment, driving your kids, on a date with another man.

It is all about the way you make another person feel. I try to work out almost everyday. This is easy when Dh is at work and kids at school. If I also worked and tried to work out during dinner, that would be a problem. I work out on weekends when everyone is waking up. My family and friends all know I work out in the mornings. No one cares.

That's it. They all know. You are all telling OP to hide this info from boyfriend. If he actually gives an F, he is the one who is too sensitive.

I mean will OP’s bf care if she goes to the gym for an hour after sex? She can just come back and shower and then they can eat breakfast or go out for brunch. That’s what I do.

I really don’t talk about my working out. If friend wants to meet up, I say I will meet at 10 or 11 after I work out. If friend isn’t available, I will skip my workout and meet friend and work out a little later. And yes, of course I don’t have to work out everyday.

Benefits of not having a job. Some of us have to balance our commitments or we can’t work out.

Omg this woman is single and childless. How many commitments can she have?! She can work out any time she wants. She can also meet the boyfriend any time too.

I have a job and a child. I am widowed. In order to date I have to juggle multiple things.

Well you can choose sex and being fat like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All guys want women who look great while making it look effortless. All of them.

And women feed into that too by saying that OP shouldn't say she's going to the gym? Who says that to a 20-something? No one. At a certain, we are expected to hide all the effort while looking effortlessly your best.

20-somethings announce loudly on social media when they go to the gym. I don't the issue with going to the gym or yoga class or whatever. I guess it's only a problem if OP is so rigid she can't accept an offer to go to a concert or the equivalent because it overlaps with yoga.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and married. Most of my friends have stayed attractive. I don’t necessarily the time and effort makes someone more pretty. I have a few friends who seem obsessed with beauty routines and I don’t like to hang out with them as much. You can take good care of yourself without telling others. If I am annoyed hearing about it, I’m sure a guy would be more turned off. They want to think you are just attractive.

DH earns a seven figure income and I don’t work. I can spend as much time and money as I want on myself. I also spend 4 hours on skincare/spa per week but no one needs to know or care. I work out daily. I have friends who just don’t eat a lot or drink tons of water and don’t go to the spa and they look fantastic.

I’m not sure why you need to tell these guys how much time and money you spend on your beauty. It makes you sound vain.

Same here. No one on my circle goes on and on about our beauty routines. If anything, we downplay our efforts. You can also divorce the idea of exercise from beauty and just do it because it makes you feel good, which is something you shouldn’t apologize for or over explain.

You downplay your efforts? So you feed into the myth of "natural" aging and that looking effortlessly good comes with minimal effort?

NP here, and I also don’t bore others by droning in about my beauty and fitness routines, even though I spend a lot of time and money on looking good. In the first place, it’s boring and tone-deaf: nobody wants to hear about what I did at the gym or what I’m doing to my skin. In the second place, it is insensitive. Not everyone has the time or money to spend on that kind of routine, and some of my friends struggle with their weight. My best friend thinks our other friend is targeting her when the woman talks about her diet and routine, and…it kind of does look that way. Just really immature and thoughtless. I would rather talk about books or politics or shared experiences, not force a captive audience to hear what I do for vanity (I am vain).

LOL, it's not a choice of discussion between books/politics and beauty routines, is it? But if someone asks what you are doing on Tuesday afternoon, and on Tuesday afternoon, you are going to the gym, do you answer? or do you hide and act coy? that's what OP's situation is about.

I’m the 45yo married pp. I personally work out right after I drop my kids off at school and not in the afternoons. DH knows I do this and doesn’t care. My friends also know this and don’t care. I don’t talk about it, just as I don’t talk about showering and washing my hair. I am a frequent spa goer - nails, facials and massages. Most people don’t ask exact details of your day hour by hour. You are available or not available whether it is because you have a work call, doc appointment, driving your kids, on a date with another man.

It is all about the way you make another person feel. I try to work out almost everyday. This is easy when Dh is at work and kids at school. If I also worked and tried to work out during dinner, that would be a problem. I work out on weekends when everyone is waking up. My family and friends all know I work out in the mornings. No one cares.

That's it. They all know. You are all telling OP to hide this info from boyfriend. If he actually gives an F, he is the one who is too sensitive.

I mean will OP’s bf care if she goes to the gym for an hour after sex? She can just come back and shower and then they can eat breakfast or go out for brunch. That’s what I do.

I really don’t talk about my working out. If friend wants to meet up, I say I will meet at 10 or 11 after I work out. If friend isn’t available, I will skip my workout and meet friend and work out a little later. And yes, of course I don’t have to work out everyday.

Benefits of not having a job. Some of us have to balance our commitments or we can’t work out.

Omg this woman is single and childless. How many commitments can she have?! She can work out any time she wants. She can also meet the boyfriend any time too.

I have a job and a child. I am widowed. In order to date I have to juggle multiple things.

If you have a child and a job and require 20 hours of self care per week, there isn’t much time for a man. I assume you want to spend time with your child and there is no other parent so you have to handle all the kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

[Anonymous]

If OP responded that she is widowed and has a child and also makes time for self care, I feel very differently about this whole thread. Good for her, and I'm sorry she hasn't met anyone who she can incorporate into her life.

I do see that there is a catch 22 element in wanting to stay pretty, attracting men, and then they don't want to let her make time to take care of herself. Reminds me of a male friend of mine -- he's a musician and in his twenties kept attracting woman who loved that he was a musician, but then felt really jealous of his time when he wanted to spend his evenings alone making music.

OP, I think you should stop dating losers. I bet someone will come into your life organically and maybe you can have an active life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

I think OP is fine and is picking lame guys, fwiw, but I don’t think your comments makes much sense. It’s the same acts.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? How long have you been widowed?

DH has friend who is a widow with two kids. He is middle aged and ultra fit. Between his demanding job, two kids and his hobbies (mostly sports related), women just aren’t his priority. Pretty sure women would say he is emotionally unavailable vs spends too much time on his vanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

I think OP is fine and is picking lame guys, fwiw, but I don’t think your comments makes much sense. It’s the same acts.

Why would you even entertain a man who is annoyed by your lifestyle?

She is wasting time and space on losers and not giving herself the opportunity to find a good match for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

OP - why are you giving a sh&t about others' opinions on how YOU spend YOUR time? I don't understand why you need to justify this. Or wanting to quilt 40 hours a week. Or play candy crush for 15 hours. or travel the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

I think OP is fine and is picking lame guys, fwiw, but I don’t think your comments makes much sense. It’s the same acts.

The scenario is totally different. If a single childless middle aged woman is dating and man thinks her beauty routine of 4 hours is excessive and a single mom who has to take care of her child and has an excessive beauty routine not prioritizing time to develop a relationship with a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

I think OP is fine and is picking lame guys, fwiw, but I don’t think your comments makes much sense. It’s the same acts.

The scenario is totally different. If a single childless middle aged woman is dating and man thinks her beauty routine of 4 hours is excessive and a single mom who has to take care of her child and has an excessive beauty routine not prioritizing time to develop a relationship with a man.

No, it's the same amount of time. It doesn't become excessive because you have no kids. In fact, you could argue just the opposite - it's excessive when OP has a kid to care for. You logic is specious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time is this taking?. Looking good is nice but if it takes away time from getting to know you as a person. Is it really worth it.

And no one wants to hear about your very special diet and the million things you can't eat.

Basically by middle age most people are looking for depth not just looks when it comes to long-term

On a weekly basis I spend 5 hours at the gym, 2 hours at yoga, 4 hours on skincare and nails.

This is crazy! I am a pretty middle aged woman. At least that's what I hear. I'm pretty compared to an average middle aged woman. And I will never compare myself to the pretty flushed fresh 20 something. I am very slender and spend 2-3 hrs a week exercising. And a few hrs a week cooking everything from scratch. I am more concerned with maintaining health than prettiness but being healthy has the bonus of helping with prettiness. Fresh skin, nice hair, real nails that look good, clear eyes, nice teeth. I spend 20 min a day doing ny makeup and hair. I do my own nails and don't do botox or other treatments. You don't need to spend hours and hours to maintain prettiness. By the way my family benefits from my scratch cooking. You sound self involved.

OP is used to being single. She probably doesn’t have kids. There is a reason she is still single.

not OP, but is this supposed to be a dig because it says more about you than her tbh.

I thought OP was single and childless and vain. I saw that OP is widowed and has a child.

I think it is totally acceptable and admirable for OP to put herself and child first above a man. Her Op made it seem like it was just about her self care and beauty routine.

I think OP is fine and is picking lame guys, fwiw, but I don’t think your comments makes much sense. It’s the same acts.

The scenario is totally different. If a single childless middle aged woman is dating and man thinks her beauty routine of 4 hours is excessive and a single mom who has to take care of her child and has an excessive beauty routine not prioritizing time to develop a relationship with a man.

No, it's the same amount of time. It doesn't become excessive because you have no kids. In fact, you could argue just the opposite - it's excessive when OP has a kid to care for. You logic is specious.

+1.

And a lot of us spend much more time than that on less important things. I spend more than 4 hours a week on DCUM.

OP needs higher standards for men.

[Anonymous]

It is all about the way you make the other person feel. Are you making them feel bad because they don’t exercise and not fit? Are you making it awkward to eat out?

A person can make another feel bad whether they choose work, kids or vanity over them. In your case, it may be all of the above. You want to be attracted to someone but vanity is a turn off. I once dated this guy who dressed well, had a beautiful face and he was obsessed with his own body. It was such a turn off no matter how good looking he was.