Why am I all but ghosted by grieving friends?

[Anonymous]

Um this really is a situation where it's not about you. They are grieving dealing with trauma and tragedy returning your phone calls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's not about you. JFC.

This is why I am suicidal (NP). Why is it NEVER about me? Why is it always about some else? Why isn't SOMEONE telling THEM it's not about them?

You go ahead and tell someone who recently lost a parent or a spouse that you're really hurt that they aren't prioritizing answering your calls and texts. OP is asking about a very specific situation -- she's not asking these people for support for a serious problem she has. She's upset that they aren't sufficiently grateful for her kindness and aren't sufficiently responsive to her messages. She's making it about her and how much attention these people are supposed to pay her (implying that they owe her something because she arranged for meals or gift cards or whatever). But they are grieving, and are likely dealing with big emotions and logistical issues, and are likely falling behind on lots of social things. It's unlikely that it has much to do with OP.

The alternative explanation is that OP, while helpful, is overbearing in some way, or does too much and makes people uncomfortable. There are people who genuinely mean well, but end up being needy or emotionally demanding in some way. I have no idea whether that's true for OP or not, and I see no reason to speculate.

[Anonymous]

I would be shocked if I was grieving and then found out that a “friend” had gone around to all my friends and demanded that they give me money.

Beyond inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're doing tooo much given the degree of friendship. It makes people uncomfortable. It makes -some- people uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not going to jump all over you on this. Honestly, I hope that you have never had a serious loss at this point in your life.

I will tell you, though, that I delivered a stillborn child years ago. It still haunts me to this day. But, at that time, I didn't even know night from day. In fact, people brought food for our family and did many kind things. I feel terrible that I didn't acknowledge them, but I have no idea who did what because I was in such terrible shape.

I remember the guy walking in the door from the funeral home (yes, they came to us) and the next six months were a complete blur.

[Anonymous]

Lost my DH during Covid. I was a zombie for months. Did people really expect me to thank them for every card? It was all I could do to walk around.

[Anonymous]

My dad died 2.5 months ago and I haven’t even been able to read my condolence cards and messages yet, let alone respond to them. He died of cancer and I had two days off before I had to go back to work at the very same cancer hospital where he died. Thankfully my friends and colleagues have given me more grace than OP. if you’re doing something for acknowledgment or praise, just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Are you actually a close friend? I get very annoyed when acquaintances I don’t like very much use a personal crisis to insinuate themselves into my life.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the person in the first example is from a culture where financial gifts are appropriate? I am not from such a culture and I would be taken aback at such a gift. I would be much more comfortable with flowers, photo books, etc - which you mention her acknowledging.

Basically - helping a grieving person is something you do with no thought of acknowledgment - just do it and expect nothing in return.

[Anonymous]

Strange there are also the things you never forget. Like the doctor who said your husband died. So what?

[Anonymous]

I don't want to talk to you if every conversation is going to be about the dead person I'm mourning.

[Anonymous]

Grieving people never have to write thank yous. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually a close friend? I get very annoyed when acquaintances I don’t like very much use a personal crisis to insinuate themselves into my life.

NP. I can't tell if that's the case here with OP, but boy oh boy do I know people like this in my life.

[Anonymous]

OP are you a very close friend of these people? If you are a close friend I understand how you might feel- but you need to give these people time to grieve. It’s really not about you. Don’t expect thank yous or anything. All you can do is continue to check in on them periodically and ask them how they are doing. My best friend ghosted me after her brother died. I still don’t know why. A couple years later we got our friendship back. I have never asked her what happened. I don’t need to know. I’m happy to have her back as my best friend. I would not use Facebook as a barometer for anything in life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are being too pushy. Lay off, give your friends time.