Why am I all but ghosted by grieving friends?

[Anonymous]

When my mom died suddenly, I was a total zombie. I didn’t want money or gift cards or someone else’s idea of comfort food. I was like a giant frayed end that catches on things haphazardly. What was fine one day was not fine the next and that lasted a long time. I wasn’t just hurting, I was in shock, and it was a long road out.

I dearly appreciated the people who emailed me to check in – knowing that a text might feel intrusive and a phone call was beyond my abilities a lot of the time.

When I reach out to people following a loss, I make sure to explicitly say that I don’t need a response or anything else, I’m just letting them know they’re in my thoughts.

It sounds like we are missing *some* part of the story here.

[Anonymous]

Me! But what about ME!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, you probably really insulted the first friend with the gift card train. This is only appropriate when people are poor or having financial issues due to the death and illness, and then they would probably appreciate a cash donation to pay for the funeral or some type of fund rather than gift cards. Usually they or someone close to them will let everyone know somehow.

I would have been shocked to receive gift cards or a type of gift upon the death of someone close, other than flowers or maybe food.

Your responses are somewhat over the top and not appropriate for most people in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can barely breathe, OP.

This, OP. The good news is that they haven't ghosted you in the traditional sense. They will come back as they are able, if you can be gracious and patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grieving people never have to write thank yous. Full stop.

I remember the first time I received a written thank you card related to someone's passing. I was shocked and had no idea it was a thing. (i dont mean to sound unappreciative, but it struck me as a formality designed to inflict additional hassle on the grieving).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s happened twice now and I can’t figure it out.

Twice I’ve had friends lose close loved ones and then I’m ghosted. What am I doing wrong? I can’t ask them because I would never make it about me, but I want to know what happened!

The first, from behind the scenes I coordinated a gift card train from those of us who are friends but not local. I collected about $800 in grocery and close and deliverable restaurants near her, and had them securely delivered, signed delivery. I never got so much as an acknowledgement, which I didn’t expect, but what hurt was when she would take to Facebook to mention different flower bouquets or photo books, etc, that others had sent her. After that, when I would reach out, I never got responses. But about a month ago, she sent me a FB message asking about my life. I responded to her questions and asked about her. It shows read, but she never responded back.

Had a closer friend suffer a loss recently. Sent food, helped but not too much, after the funeral, would send nice cards. Then my calls started going unanswered. There was a natural disaster near where she lives and texted, asked if it affected her, could I help in any way. All I got was, “Nope. Not close to us.”

Why the silent treatment? Am I being too much?

Was she supposed to thank you? Thank each person individually? Did she know who sent them? Maybe it just felt overwhelming and one more thing to do.

And as a pp mentioned she might have felt really awkward about receiving gift cards to grocery and restaurants if she is capable of paying for those on her own without hardship. She likely knows how to order groceries for delivery or food for delivery or can get someone near her to do that. And then sometimes you just want to go out and do those things for a few minutes of normalcy sort of as an escape. Death isn't a give money as a gift occasion unless as others mentioned it's to pay for the funeral itself for a family with financial hardship.

Sometimes being so helpful and so expectant is a burden for those who are already emotionally overwhelmed. They don't have the emotional energy to take on your feelings of being needed or appreciated so they just avoid you all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP, a bit too much.

I would have been appalled at the "gift card train" and not known what to say to you. That is, if I ever saw the gift cards. Another family member (at least in my family) might have taken them. Unless the family is impoverished and on go fund me to pay for the funeral, there is no need to do this much.

Send one arrangement, or one dish of food and a card. Contact them occasionally, go to the funeral or visitation. Don't go overboard.

NP. Appalled? Really? That Serbs like an extreme reaction when somebody means well. Have some grace - nobody’s perfect. And OP sounds kind and caring to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP, a bit too much.

I would have been appalled at the "gift card train" and not known what to say to you. That is, if I ever saw the gift cards. Another family member (at least in my family) might have taken them. Unless the family is impoverished and on go fund me to pay for the funeral, there is no need to do this much.

Send one arrangement, or one dish of food and a card. Contact them occasionally, go to the funeral or visitation. Don't go overboard.

NP. Appalled? Really? That Serbs like an extreme reaction when somebody means well. Have some grace - nobody’s perfect. And OP sounds kind and caring to me.

I’m not the PP and I would also be appalled. It’s the OP who has no grace. Give the money yourself if you want, but don’t guilt someone’s friends into donating hundreds of dollars when the person didn’t agree or ask for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can barely breathe, OP.

This is spot on. I’m a newish widow and I’m barely making it through each day. It’s not about you….at all.

DP. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending your family my best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's not about you. JFC.

This is why I am suicidal (NP). Why is it NEVER about me? Why is it always about some else? Why isn't SOMEONE telling THEM it's not about them?

DP. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Could you talk to a therapist? You matter just as much as everyone else, and you deserve to have a happy life.

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help

[Anonymous]

OP - You have been really beat up with these responses, but I'm not here to do that.

I know your actions towards your friends were well-meaning and came from your heart, but I think there is too much expectation on your part that your friends would even be in a position emotionally to respond in a way you would deem appropriate. You need to back off. If they are true friends they will resurface when they're ready, and just be there for them, without judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be shocked if I was grieving and then found out that a “friend” had gone around to all my friends and demanded that they give me money.

Beyond inappropriate.

This. I did not even have a wedding registry. I would be horrified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be shocked if I was grieving and then found out that a “friend” had gone around to all my friends and demanded that they give me money.

Beyond inappropriate.

This. I did not even have a wedding registry. I would be horrified.

Me too. Sorry OP but you went waaay over the top. I know you did it out of love but dang.

[Anonymous]

I think people are being a bit over the top about the gift cards. She did not start a GoFundMe page.

In the old days (and many cultures) people bring food to the grieving. So this person offered those who were not local an opportunity to "send food" to the grieving person, in a modern way. They did not have to do it. I would not interpret this as suggesting that the recipient could not afford her own food.

The amount does suggest that perhaps she shared her friend's sad news far and wide. That is not appropriate (unless the friend asked her to bear those tidings.)

Not sure what is going on with this person, but seems well intentioned. Let's not pile on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being a bit over the top about the gift cards. She did not start a GoFundMe page.

In the old days (and many cultures) people bring food to the grieving. So this person offered those who were not local an opportunity to "send food" to the grieving person, in a modern way. They did not have to do it. I would not interpret this as suggesting that the recipient could not afford her own food.

The amount does suggest that perhaps she shared her friend's sad news far and wide. That is not appropriate (unless the friend asked her to bear those tidings.)

Not sure what is going on with this person, but seems well intentioned. Let's not pile on.

OP sounds well intentioned but is wondering why people bare ghosting her. Giving one restaurant gift card is probably not going to led to ghosting, even though I would be perplexed.
It's the raising of money for the family via gift card chain; that's not a gift, that's money raising.

OP, give a simple of flowers or a note / sympathy card, and then check in with the friend every now and then. That's all you need to do. Don't expect anything from them at all, and they will be back once they aren't grieving as much.