I always feel defensive! What’s my problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats! Self awareness is a great thing! Now what will you do? Some good tips here. Good luck!!

Nope, not enough for congratulations. She owes that other mother a serious apology.

I have been that other mom and texting me to apologize will just make it weirder. Don’t use me to make yourself feel better AGAIN by apologizing.

It’s insecurity. Whether you can address that alone or with a therapist, only you can know.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t secure in your decisions made as a mother. Sometimes I think it’s a miracle any of us are secure with the constant onslaught of opinions and experts and articles!

I don’t know if you need therapy but really try to stop yourself before you react. Think: WAIT (Why Am I Talking). It’s also really helpful to open a dialogue on stuff like this with just expressing your doubt (eg: “I wonder if we should have potty trained Larla sooner” or “I wonder if I should have breastfed for longer”) as chances are the other mother would have reassured you.

[Anonymous]

Yep as others said, you're insecure. Gain more genuine confidence in yourself, your choices, and your place in life and it'll stop.

I think you worried the other mother would ask why, isn't your kid toilet trained, and why ISN'T your kid toilet trained? You need to own this stuff.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this even now and it is exhausting to listen to so she has been held at arms length for basically my entire adulthood. And now that I have my own kid, she makes an observation about something I've done and immediately defends herself about how she did the opposite and/or goes straight to "great, another way I screwed up!" so for your kids' sake, get this thinking in check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kicked a friend to the curb for this because it was just exhausting, and then I felt like I had to suddenly be on the defense and I didn’t like being that person either. Good you recognize it.

Ditto. I’m distancing a friend who always has to comment on how she’s raising her child vs. how I’m raising mine. I’m glad you’ve realized or OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep as others said, you're insecure. Gain more genuine confidence in yourself, your choices, and your place in life and it'll stop.

I think you worried the other mother would ask why, isn't your kid toilet trained, and why ISN'T your kid toilet trained? You need to own this stuff.

This is why moms are defensive and insecure! Potty training was my big trigger for this because I felt constant judgment from other parents about it. And it’s frustrating because in my case, I really didn’t know why. We worked at it for a long time (like over a year) and It just didn’t click until one day it started to. And then it was still another 6 months of working at it before I felt we were really there.

See, here I am being defensive and over explaining, but it’s because people say stuff like the above all the time. Like it’s a personal moral failing instead of just one aspect of parenting that I’m just not that strong in. I’m happy to admit potty training was hard for me and I’m so glad it’s over, but it’s really annoying when people want to use that as an indictment if my parenting as a whole.

Every parent is strong in some things and weak in others, I promise. A lot of the people who used to judge and give me grief over potty training now pay me compliments in other areas. It’s ok to be an imperfect parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep as others said, you're insecure. Gain more genuine confidence in yourself, your choices, and your place in life and it'll stop.

I think you worried the other mother would ask why, isn't your kid toilet trained, and why ISN'T your kid toilet trained? You need to own this stuff.

This is why moms are defensive and insecure! Potty training was my big trigger for this because I felt constant judgment from other parents about it. And it’s frustrating because in my case, I really didn’t know why. We worked at it for a long time (like over a year) and It just didn’t click until one day it started to. And then it was still another 6 months of working at it before I felt we were really there.

See, here I am being defensive and over explaining, but it’s because people say stuff like the above all the time. Like it’s a personal moral failing instead of just one aspect of parenting that I’m just not that strong in. I’m happy to admit potty training was hard for me and I’m so glad it’s over, but it’s really annoying when people want to use that as an indictment if my parenting as a whole.

Every parent is strong in some things and weak in others, I promise. A lot of the people who used to judge and give me grief over potty training now pay me compliments in other areas. It’s ok to be an imperfect parent.

Dp. You just proved the PP’s point perfectly, as the questions she posed were the ones she says YOU run through YOUR head that make you instantly defensive. PP Didn’t actually ask these to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Sure you’re insecure and anxious, OP, and maybe shy and socially awkward. But FFS, this does not rise to the level of requiring therapy! I swear, sometimes it’s like the people of DCUM think there is *one correct way to be* and any variation leads to admonishment and cries of “you need therapy!” It’s weird.

[Anonymous]

I’ve definitely felt that way, OP, and have over-explained when no explanation was asked for or expected. It’s definitely insecurity on my part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats! Self awareness is a great thing! Now what will you do? Some good tips here. Good luck!!

Nope, not enough for congratulations. She owes that other mother a serious apology.

Nah, IMO these are mildly awkward defensive remarks--nothing that you need to apologize for--just use the self-awareness to be more conscious in the next interaction.