Reply to Just need to cry. 1 week postpartum

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk [/quote]

OP here: YEP!!!!  The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.[/quote]

Ok. Direct and tough love time.

You [i]know[/i] that the things he's saying to you are wrong and abusive. You know this. Stop saying he's amazing. He isn't. And you know that, too. Making excuses for him (oh, his poor childhood! oh, he's stressed! oh, how he occasionally cooks a meal!) is only going to prolong the problem -- if it is even fixable. Plus, it implies something transactional that is not a foundation for a stable family: it's okay that he's verbally abusive because he "purchases" that verbal abuse with being an involved dad in other respects.

Yes, you have raging post-partum hormones and that's a whole issue all its own. But assuming everything you wrote is true, it took you 3 or 4 posts to actually write down what the problem is: his abuse. Remember, you started with him being loving and gentle and you just needing a little extra support. But if your friend came to you and said, "my husband said I was evil, that he regrets marrying me, that I'm an animal, and that I don't love him," your response would NOT be, "oh honey, sounds like you need a little extra care and support."[/quote]

OP here: no, that is absolutely what I would tell a friend. I would not immediately be saying, "He's abusive! Divorce him!" I'd comfort her, encourage her to get marital advice from licensed counselors and not DCUM,  and to do all she can to take care of herself: eat. Sleep. Change your bloody disposable underwear and take a shower. Don't do random household tasks that DH can do or can be put off. And I would give her all the comfort and support in the world.[/quote]

Well, then it sounds like you know all you need to know for how you're going to handle your relationship with your husband's abuse (and that's your word). I really, sincerely, wish you, your babies, and your husband all the best and will be holding you anonymously in my thoughts. I have been there, and I would ask you to just please, the next time you're fighting back tears and sobbing while he continues piling on, tell yourself and [i]know [/i]that it's true: "it does not have to be this way." I'm not saying you have to divorce, demand counseling, run away, or anything. I'm only saying that you should know that it doesn't have to be this way and you haven't done anything to deserve it.[/quote]

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