How to be a likeable person?

[Anonymous]

Find things to compliment people on. I worked with a woman who was really into her looks, and one day her makeup looked especially good so I told her "Your makeup looks really flawless today; you look great!" and her whole face lit up and she beamed.

Be inclusive. When someone walks over and stands on the periphery, smile at them and step aside to make room for them, and draw them into the conversation. "Jess, your upcoming trip to Japan sound so exciting. Jasmine, didn't you go there last year and say you had a great time?"

[Anonymous]

Avoid sex, politics, religion, and money talk. Unless it’s a church group, a financial seminar or you’re with your very best friend.

[Anonymous]

My struggle is making good conversation, both small talk and deeper talk. I am a good listener, and kind, and mostly likable... but often don't know what to say. In the long run, people lose interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm unlikeable too, OP, but I have slowly improved on it over time by watching what other people who are likeable do. I made a checklist of what I should do in conversations -- it was nice during COVID because I could sit there with my cheat sheet in most conversations and no one was the wiser. For what it's worth, this is my checklist for what I call "disciplined conversations" (i.e. have the discipline to stick to the checklist):

Don't skip the pleasantries
Acknowledge everyone and say names
Make each person feel human
Don't be eager to share or show smarts
Spend time on the inconsequential
Stand in a position of nonjudgment
Be in the moment
Respond to and take interest in everything
Listen
Allow 2 seconds of silence before speaking
Be curious and receptive to other's ideas
Show vulnerability
Give gratifying reactions
Gently guide (versus abruptly steer) to your point
Describe others positively
Ignore the petty
Use humor

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Feed them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep your negativity to yourself.
be quick to compliment others.
be prepared to respond to others words with simple phrases like, 'oh that sounds like fun, are the kids/your parents/your spouse excited?' - it doesn't matter that it sounds like fun or not.

This is sycophancy and screams fake. Not likable. Fake.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm unlikeable too, OP, but I have slowly improved on it over time by watching what other people who are likeable do. I made a checklist of what I should do in conversations -- it was nice during COVID because I could sit there with my cheat sheet in most conversations and no one was the wiser. For what it's worth, this is my checklist for what I call "disciplined conversations" (i.e. have the discipline to stick to the checklist):

Don't skip the pleasantries
Acknowledge everyone and say names
Make each person feel human
Don't be eager to share or show smarts
Spend time on the inconsequential
Stand in a position of nonjudgment
Be in the moment
Respond to and take interest in everything
Listen
Allow 2 seconds of silence before speaking
Be curious and receptive to other's ideas
Show vulnerability
Give gratifying reactions
Gently guide (versus abruptly steer) to your point
Describe others positively
Ignore the petty
Use humor

I'm going to copy this list. It's very helpful. At least half of these are hard for me and take that same kind of disciplined focus. I very much prefer deeper conversations to small talk. I am strongly suspicious of flattery and suggestions for future meetups that seem unlikely to occur. I'm eager to connect if I have had a similar experience, but I do think it sometimes comes across as redirecting attention to myself.

Does this stuff come naturally to you all who are likeable or have you spent a lot of time practicing?

[Anonymous]

Not being a democrat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep your negativity to yourself.
be quick to compliment others.
be prepared to respond to others words with simple phrases like, 'oh that sounds like fun, are the kids/your parents/your spouse excited?' - it doesn't matter that it sounds like fun or not.

This is sycophancy and screams fake. Not likable. Fake.

+1

-1. Depends on how you do it. If you're over the top and insincere, then it's not likable. But pretty much everyone has good qualities. If you take the time to notice them and comment on them in a way that's not overwrought, people will appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Be passionate about at least one interest or hobby. I'm serious. Most people really aren't passionate about...anything. Sure, they argue that their family and job take up all their time, but they still have time for hours of social media scrolling, Netflix viewing etc. An adult who has a real interest has a special kind of confidence and is just more interesting. They haven't given up on life and begun the long just-buding-my-time until the dirt nap mode that is a big part of life for most people. They are just a bit more intriguing.

Also, having a passion/hobby will often give you a ring of friends or acquaintances outside of work/your family, which gives you a confidence boost.

Here are some examples of normal people I have known or now know with passions/hobbies like this: someone who trains for marathons, someone who is working on a novel they wan to have published, someone who is involved in a language/culture group, a LARPer, someone who flies planes for fun, someone who belongs to a herpetology society and raises reptiles, someone with a Youtube channel about an interest. Each of these people also had a family, job, and "normal" life, but it seemed like they used their free time for their passion, and it just made them more interesting.

Plus, these people seemed happier, which is also attractive to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be passionate about at least one interest or hobby. I'm serious. Most people really aren't passionate about...anything. Sure, they argue that their family and job take up all their time, but they still have time for hours of social media scrolling, Netflix viewing etc. An adult who has a real interest has a special kind of confidence and is just more interesting. They haven't given up on life and begun the long just-buding-my-time until the dirt nap mode that is a big part of life for most people. They are just a bit more intriguing.

Also, having a passion/hobby will often give you a ring of friends or acquaintances outside of work/your family, which gives you a confidence boost.

Here are some examples of normal people I have known or now know with passions/hobbies like this: someone who trains for marathons, someone who is working on a novel they wan to have published, someone who is involved in a language/culture group, a LARPer, someone who flies planes for fun, someone who belongs to a herpetology society and raises reptiles, someone with a Youtube channel about an interest. Each of these people also had a family, job, and "normal" life, but it seemed like they used their free time for their passion, and it just made them more interesting.

Plus, these people seemed happier, which is also attractive to others.

I meant to add also that this phenomenon is, I think, something the creators of The Big Bang Theory drew upon. The characters were interesting because instead of just having a job, they had a deep passion for something (their science, but also their ComicCon thing, etc). It is part of what made the characters interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep your negativity to yourself.
be quick to compliment others.
be prepared to respond to others words with simple phrases like, 'oh that sounds like fun, are the kids/your parents/your spouse excited?' - it doesn't matter that it sounds like fun or not.

This is sycophancy and screams fake. Not likable. Fake.

+1

-1. Depends on how you do it. If you're over the top and insincere, then it's not likable. But pretty much everyone has good qualities. If you take the time to notice them and comment on them in a way that's not overwrought, people will appreciate it.

But not everyone is seeking approval. I think it patronizing and frankly assumes the person is a bit of a fuking idiot if you think they're going to glow and be all happy because you told them they were *great* in some way. No thanks. Talk to me about things that actually interest and engage me, don't comment on ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep your negativity to yourself.
be quick to compliment others.
be prepared to respond to others words with simple phrases like, 'oh that sounds like fun, are the kids/your parents/your spouse excited?' - it doesn't matter that it sounds like fun or not.

This is sycophancy and screams fake. Not likable. Fake.

+1

-1. Depends on how you do it. If you're over the top and insincere, then it's not likable. But pretty much everyone has good qualities. If you take the time to notice them and comment on them in a way that's not overwrought, people will appreciate it.

But not everyone is seeking approval. I think it patronizing and frankly assumes the person is a bit of a fuking idiot if you think they're going to glow and be all happy because you told them they were *great* in some way. No thanks. Talk to me about things that actually interest and engage me, don't comment on ME.

You read a lot into that. I'm not saying you need to dig up someone's thesis and give them a deep run down of their successful argument. I'm saying if someone has on cool sunglasses, tell them "nice shades".

[Anonymous]

Don’t talk to anyone unless spoken too.
Keep an anonymous online presence. Cover your digital footprint. The less people know about you, the less they can judge you.

[Anonymous]

Don't judge or give advice unless asked. Ask guiding questions instead of criticizing directly.