Beloved father died suddenly; overwhelmed with grief but must keep functioning

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died unexpectedly a few months ago, and I too am dealing with the challenge of parenting, holding down a full-time job, handling post-death administration, and being with grief. Here are a few things that are getting me through:

- Take care of the "closest alligator to the boat". The things that are most pressing in time/importance come first.
- Lean on friends/family/network for support. They can cook, shop, help with kids, run errands. If you have them or if they offered, do reach out. If you don't have support, take a deep breath. You will get through this.
- Take care of yourself as much as possible so you can be there for yourself and your kids. Reach out to a grief support system that works for you (whether it is a group, a therapist, a friend who has gone through grief). When you get to the point when you can sleep, get as much sleep as possible (I still take melatonin to fall asleep). Hydrate, eat well and exercise. Walking in nature has been very helpful for me. I had a meditation practice for several years, and it served me well when he died. In times of crisis, we fall on our practice.
- Honestly, what keeps me going is being there for my children. The moment he died, my entire focus shifted to that, and it is my north star. It motivates me to care for myself and give them as meaningful of a life as possible without their father. It is devastating, but we find joy, laughter and connection.
- Allow yourself to honor your grief and be with it. I cry a lot, and then it's over and I can deal with the next alligator. I tend to time-manage my grief to the best of my ability, because if I sit with it for too long, I will inevitably spin out in emotions, and I have learned that it doesn't serve me well. So I will schedule in time to look at pictures, texts, clothes or simply just remember him. When I feel angry, I take my aggression out on organizing closets or going full capacity on the Peloton. They can take it, and it serves me well in the long run. Sometimes I just call my mom or a dear friend and sob on the phone with no conversation. Finding how you are with grief will take time and will unexpectedly shape shift. There is no controlling the timing of a memory, so I give myself grace, and others will too.

My heart is with you. Know that by this mere connection, you are closely held.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died unexpectedly a few months ago, and I too am dealing with the challenge of parenting, holding down a full-time job, handling post-death administration, and being with grief. Here are a few things that are getting me through:

- Take care of the "closest alligator to the boat". The things that are most pressing in time/importance come first.
- Lean on friends/family/network for support. They can cook, shop, help with kids, run errands. If you have them or if they offered, do reach out. If you don't have support, take a deep breath. You will get through this.
- Take care of yourself as much as possible so you can be there for yourself and your kids. Reach out to a grief support system that works for you (whether it is a group, a therapist, a friend who has gone through grief). When you get to the point when you can sleep, get as much sleep as possible (I still take melatonin to fall asleep). Hydrate, eat well and exercise. Walking in nature has been very helpful for me. I had a meditation practice for several years, and it served me well when he died. In times of crisis, we fall on our practice.
- Honestly, what keeps me going is being there for my children. The moment he died, my entire focus shifted to that, and it is my north star. It motivates me to care for myself and give them as meaningful of a life as possible without their father. It is devastating, but we find joy, laughter and connection.
- Allow yourself to honor your grief and be with it. I cry a lot, and then it's over and I can deal with the next alligator. I tend to time-manage my grief to the best of my ability, because if I sit with it for too long, I will inevitably spin out in emotions, and I have learned that it doesn't serve me well. So I will schedule in time to look at pictures, texts, clothes or simply just remember him. When I feel angry, I take my aggression out on organizing closets or going full capacity on the Peloton. They can take it, and it serves me well in the long run. Sometimes I just call my mom or a dear friend and sob on the phone with no conversation. Finding how you are with grief will take time and will unexpectedly shape shift. There is no controlling the timing of a memory, so I give myself grace, and others will too.

My heart is with you. Know that by this mere connection, you are closely held.

NP here. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Those of us who have lived through the loss of a loved one can appreciate the wisdom of your advice.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly last year. I cried snd cried. Finally I set up sad music so I could cry at a certain time. Whatever you can do to make it through. Also the next alligator thing is helpful. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this two months ago when my mom died. Give yourself permission to slack off. Ask for help. People want to help but may need a task. Go easy on yourself. I am a crazy workaholic perfectionist and had to just ask for time to grieve. Absolutely NOBODY batted an eye. People are usually understanding about this. Give
yourself permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died unexpectedly a few months ago, and I too am dealing with the challenge of parenting, holding down a full-time job, handling post-death administration, and being with grief. Here are a few things that are getting me through:

- Take care of the "closest alligator to the boat". The things that are most pressing in time/importance come first.
- Lean on friends/family/network for support. They can cook, shop, help with kids, run errands. If you have them or if they offered, do reach out. If you don't have support, take a deep breath. You will get through this.
- Take care of yourself as much as possible so you can be there for yourself and your kids. Reach out to a grief support system that works for you (whether it is a group, a therapist, a friend who has gone through grief). When you get to the point when you can sleep, get as much sleep as possible (I still take melatonin to fall asleep). Hydrate, eat well and exercise. Walking in nature has been very helpful for me. I had a meditation practice for several years, and it served me well when he died. In times of crisis, we fall on our practice.
- Honestly, what keeps me going is being there for my children. The moment he died, my entire focus shifted to that, and it is my north star. It motivates me to care for myself and give them as meaningful of a life as possible without their father. It is devastating, but we find joy, laughter and connection.
- Allow yourself to honor your grief and be with it. I cry a lot, and then it's over and I can deal with the next alligator. I tend to time-manage my grief to the best of my ability, because if I sit with it for too long, I will inevitably spin out in emotions, and I have learned that it doesn't serve me well. So I will schedule in time to look at pictures, texts, clothes or simply just remember him. When I feel angry, I take my aggression out on organizing closets or going full capacity on the Peloton. They can take it, and it serves me well in the long run. Sometimes I just call my mom or a dear friend and sob on the phone with no conversation. Finding how you are with grief will take time and will unexpectedly shape shift. There is no controlling the timing of a memory, so I give myself grace, and others will too.

My heart is with you. Know that by this mere connection, you are closely held.

Beautifully written, and so true.

My grief for my mother was so profound at the beginning I did not think I would be able to survive it. A good friend told me it's like getting hit by a giant wave: you can only relax and let it take over until you wash up on the shore and can breathe again. At some point I was able to regulate a little bit so I could hold myself together for certain amounts of time between waves.

It gets better with time, though it never fully goes away. This is the shadow side of love and the ultimate human struggle. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I have arranged with my work to take some time off this week and next, and tried to outsource all the things I possibly can.

I so appreciate this community.