Anxiety about average kids

[Anonymous]

OP, do you live in the DMV? Northern VA? Montgomery County, MD? If so, please know that where you live in not normal in terms of how students are considered and evaluated. The expectation there is that every parent is hiring outside tutoring for their children. If you do not spend $500+ on tutoring every month, then your children are labeled average because the tutored kids reset expectations. It doesn't mean those kids are smarter; it just means their parents have the money to drop on outside tutors. The bottom line is that it distorts the whole picture of what is "average". Nervous parents worried their kids are "falling behind" respond by writing posts like this one.

Your kids are just fine. Tune out the distorted background noise and help your kids become happy people who enjoy what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have two kids, one who is basically DCUM-average and one with learning and developmental disabilities. I'm not at all worried about my average kid's ability to get into and graduate from college, get and maintain a job, and live an independent adult life.

You can be a happy and successful adult without going to an ivy league college.

Same here. I grew up LMC and am the exception in that I got out. I'm not worried about my average DD because she has a path I've paved for her. I'm worried about my kids with the same disabilities that have led other members of my family to living on $35k/year salaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I am a high achiever and have been for my whole life. As a result, I know the downsides of being this way, and they are legion. The more ways my kid is perfectly typical, the happier I am for him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to change your mentality that there are "winners" and "losers".

(it's a common problem-outlook that permeates all aspects of life for most in Washington, due to elections)

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a cuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I am a high achiever and have been for my whole life. As a result, I know the downsides of being this way, and they are legion. The more ways my kid is perfectly typical, the happier I am for him.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, my kids are younger so it's more hypothetical still. But I totally am with you on the growing income inequality thing. I think what that means is that I'm anxious that my children will be emotionally stable, hard working people that will choose a career that will enable them to be on the "right side," even if that's a trade or physical labor based job. I have seen people in the right schools and neighborhoods get burnt out and crash and burn. We're a legacy at an elite private school that gets fawned over on DCUM and I would never in a million years send my kids there. None of our family that attended turned into happy adults, and it's a very mixed bag whether they even ended up successful on paper. I don't know if I have the right answers, but it is something I worry about.

OP here. But this is what I’m afraid of. If my daughter chooses a non UMS white collar position (anything besides doctor, lawyer, engineer, or business person), it’s so unstable and uncertain and could potentially lead to the wrong side of the divide. All the optimism and resilience and perseverance in the world won’t mean shit if my kid is struggling to raise a family in this area on a yearly income of $80k/year.

And for the record, I’ve always supported progressive policies that try to prevent (or at the very least, slow down) this frantic pace. I voted for Bernie in 2016 and 2020. But it’s all still so anxious. Maybe it’s just my trauma from growing up lower middle class though — most of my high school classmates are NOT doing well. Don’t want that for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about rising inequality, but not so much about whether my kid will be on the right side of it. More about how much harder her life will be in a country with that problem. And I see how narrow and shallow our culture's definition of success is -- trying to chase that and play the game on those terms is setting yourself up for unhappiness, and the rules can change. Better to focus on developing skills like adaptability, resilience, perseverance, a solid sense of self, and good interpersonal skills. I want my kid to be able to support herself -- and frankly, a less "elite" job might be a better fit and a more stable career. I want her to be the kind of person who will work to make the world better, safer, and more fair, not just someone who will come out on top.

OP here. This seems odd — you acknowledge how much harder your kid’s life will be, but keep insisting that soft skills are the answer? Not overwhelming income inequality? Sounds off. All the adaptability in the world won’t save a paltry 401k or non-existent college fund or medical debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, my kids are younger so it's more hypothetical still. But I totally am with you on the growing income inequality thing. I think what that means is that I'm anxious that my children will be emotionally stable, hard working people that will choose a career that will enable them to be on the "right side," even if that's a trade or physical labor based job. I have seen people in the right schools and neighborhoods get burnt out and crash and burn. We're a legacy at an elite private school that gets fawned over on DCUM and I would never in a million years send my kids there. None of our family that attended turned into happy adults, and it's a very mixed bag whether they even ended up successful on paper. I don't know if I have the right answers, but it is something I worry about.

OP here. But this is what I’m afraid of. If my daughter chooses a non UMS white collar position (anything besides doctor, lawyer, engineer, or business person), it’s so unstable and uncertain and could potentially lead to the wrong side of the divide. All the optimism and resilience and perseverance in the world won’t mean shit if my kid is struggling to raise a family in this area on a yearly income of $80k/year.

And for the record, I’ve always supported progressive policies that try to prevent (or at the very least, slow down) this frantic pace. I voted for Bernie in 2016 and 2020. But it’s all still so anxious. Maybe it’s just my trauma from growing up lower middle class though — most of my high school classmates are NOT doing well. Don’t want that for my kids.

I dated someone like you once. He talked a good talk about how inequality generally was bad and damaging; it turned out that he was most concerned about coming out on the “right side” of it. Very tedious.

[Anonymous]

No, but that’s likely because neither DH and I weren't high achievers (especially DH who hated school and barely got by with Cs) and ended up just fine. You can get a good enough paying job if you get your undergrad and work hard(ish). They may not end up rich but I assume they’ll be going to college and find their place in the working world, even if that means they aren’t earning huge salaries.

I see the income divide as most difficult for people who are working poor. Those who have access to education and social connections have a major leg up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: No, but that’s likely because neither DH and I weren't high achievers (especially DH who hated school and barely got by with Cs) and ended up just fine. You can get a good enough paying job if you get your undergrad and work hard(ish). They may not end up rich but I assume they’ll be going to college and find their place in the working world, even if that means they aren’t earning huge salaries.

I see the income divide as most difficult for people who are working poor. Those who have access to education and social connections have a major leg up.

I should add: we live in a different state with a much lower COL. I wouldn’t assume that just because they may not want to fight to make a living in an expensive area that this means they will suffer. There are lots of lovely little places in this country where you can make 80k and make a great little life for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others. My husband and I went to non-elite schools in another states and ended up in DC. Here we rub shoulder-to-shoulder with the elite: living in upper NW, important jobs, expensive house, kids in a Big3 school. Let me tell you this: we are no happier than the 30 or 50 friends we have from undergrad who are living far less stressful lives elsewhere. Our college roommates are engineers and pediatricians and pharmacists and IT people and all work about 40 hours a week and have lovely homes, fulfilled lives and comparatively little stress. I think people who have only lived within the overachiever NW DC or Ivy bubble think it's either 1)extreme overachievement or 2)poverty and it's just not that way. There is a TON of middle ground occupied by many happy, fulfilled people. Those of else from elsewhere have seen it play out countless times with our friends and family and often wonder what the heck we're doing in this DC rat race to nowhere.

+1 except we don’t have too many friends with kids in the big 3. We are graduates of elite schools working in lower paid do goodie (but elite) positions. I want my kids to be happy and know there are many paths to choose. I’ve been de emphasizing Ivies, etc. and focusing on ensuring they have well rounded childhood and grow up grateful and aware of their privilege even though we live in this crazy bubble.
My kids are tweens, so ask me how it’s going in a few years. There are a lot of unknowns ahead.

[Anonymous]

We raised our kids to not pick a career based on money. Life is long and you need to love what you do. They have college degrees, have good jobs, very nice homes and happy children.

OP, you sound like a snob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others. My husband and I went to non-elite schools in another states and ended up in DC. Here we rub shoulder-to-shoulder with the elite: living in upper NW, important jobs, expensive house, kids in a Big3 school. Let me tell you this: we are no happier than the 30 or 50 friends we have from undergrad who are living far less stressful lives elsewhere. Our college roommates are engineers and pediatricians and pharmacists and IT people and all work about 40 hours a week and have lovely homes, fulfilled lives and comparatively little stress. I think people who have only lived within the overachiever NW DC or Ivy bubble think it's either 1)extreme overachievement or 2)poverty and it's just not that way. There is a TON of middle ground occupied by many happy, fulfilled people. Those of else from elsewhere have seen it play out countless times with our friends and family and often wonder what the heck we're doing in this DC rat race to nowhere.

+1 except we don’t have too many friends with kids in the big 3. We are graduates of elite schools working in lower paid do goodie (but elite) positions. I want my kids to be happy and know there are many paths to choose. I’ve been de emphasizing Ivies, etc. and focusing on ensuring they have well rounded childhood and grow up grateful and aware of their privilege even though we live in this crazy bubble.
My kids are tweens, so ask me how it’s going in a few years. There are a lot of unknowns ahead.

What?! Re the bolded, I don't think OP is worried about her kid becoming a doctor and that somehow being "average" or low-paying...

[Anonymous]

My dad went to an ivy and was really hyperfocused on this kind of thing, too. I went to a state school and now I’m a social worker but, don’t worry, I’m not living in squalor! DH and I live outside of a less expensive city, have a cute little house, 2 kids and a puppy.

I think my dad had a hard time understanding that there was a middle ground between ivy grad ceo and barely getting by in a small rundown apartment. The class divide does exist but it really doesn’t seem like you need to be as anxious as you are.