Best response to someone telling you they have separated?
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Anonymous
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OP, on DCUM you can get opposite advice from one thread to the next. It completely depends on who happens to be online when you post. Usually the first few posts start a trend, if they're couched in a measured style. If they're overly dramatic, then posters tend to go in the opposite direction for the next posts. It's actually fascinating psychology. The evening people tend to be more brutal, especially as the week progresses, because they're tired. The middle of the night people can be interesting... |
Anonymous
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YMMV.
For me, the best response was "congratulations." But I understand that's not the case for all. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Just say “I am sorry to hear that. How are you doing?”
Don’t say “that’s awful” or how are you “holding up” or “coping” Be neutral and she will tell you if she is happy, doesn’t want to talk about it, etc. unless she shares more, drop it and move to different topics. |
Anonymous
| I've had people say "that must be difficult" and that works for me. I wanted the separation but it is still difficult (especially with kids). |
Anonymous
As a parent, i might want to know who my kid was sharing with. It would be comforting to me to know that he was talking to his close friends. So, I wouldn't give a response like this that implies your kid didn't tell you, which is basically a lie. Now, if it really was news, then this is a good response. |
Anonymous
| What about no value judgement at all (like, neither congrats nor I’m sorry), and instead just “I’m here for you!” |
Anonymous
| lol PP here.. no E in judgment (typo) |
Anonymous
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Larla told me I wish you the best.
I heard from Larla, let me know if you need anything. I’m separated and the biggest challenge is taking my car to the shop. |
Anonymous
| I have said to a friend, "I'm sorry but wish everyone the best moving forward". In late HS, there were a number of divorces and it sucked for everyone involved. |
Anonymous
Me too on taking the car to the shop! About OP’s question, someone asked me if condolences or congratulations were in order. I thought that was a hoot, but you know your audience best. |
Anonymous
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When I separated my close friends said congratulations and we’re here to help you.
Acquaintances said “I’m sorry to hear that.” I know it came from a good place. I was so excited to be separated I’d sometimes respond “don’t be sorry, I’m very happy to be moving one step closer to being divorced.” Something neutral would’ve been the best for me. “Let me know if you need any help. We would be happy to give Larlo a ride to soccer.” |
Anonymous
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I see it's been said, but I'd nod with a sort of very muted friendly look and ask, "How are you doing?"
Not pitying eyes or anything, more neutral. The nod acknowledges what they said. |
Anonymous
Nope. She said they're not close friends. Just say I'm sorry to hear it and ask how she's doing. Then follow up on whatever she says. It's called polite conversation. Most adults are capable of it. |
Anonymous
I said the same exact thing before reading this. We're the mode. This is the obvious choice. |