16 year old girl, curfew and dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that when my parents gave bogus curfews like 10pm, I just "spent the night with girlfriends". It wasn't the safest and sometimes I really didn't have a place to stay.

I know I'll be slammed for this given DCUM, but we never let dc's sleep over at friends when young and now they know not to ask. Makes me feel so. much. better. about them going to parties, etc. I also wait up when they come home (not always, but sometimes) to assess the situation. My dd's friend lets her sleep over at our house, but every single time she's done so, I've gotten a text from the mom 'thanking me for having her' which I think is her way of making sure she is actually staying over.

Hi I went to college with kids who had parents like you. Those kids were crazy wild and engaging in all sorts of dangerous behavior. I was over it by college and barely drank. There is a world of difference between parents who allow too much and parents who allow nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easiest to set very (overly) strict guidelines at first and then loosen them later than to do the opposite.

This is a very good point! My now 18 year old pretty much just keeps us briefed and we say yes or know depending on the circumstances, there's no set curfew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that when my parents gave bogus curfews like 10pm, I just "spent the night with girlfriends". It wasn't the safest and sometimes I really didn't have a place to stay.

I know I'll be slammed for this given DCUM, but we never let dc's sleep over at friends when young and now they know not to ask. Makes me feel so. much. better. about them going to parties, etc. I also wait up when they come home (not always, but sometimes) to assess the situation. My dd's friend lets her sleep over at our house, but every single time she's done so, I've gotten a text from the mom 'thanking me for having her' which I think is her way of making sure she is actually staying over.

Hi I went to college with kids who had parents like you. Those kids were crazy wild and engaging in all sorts of dangerous behavior. I was over it by college and barely drank. There is a world of difference between parents who allow too much and parents who allow nothing.

I’m too lazy to do your research but that’s SUCH A COMMON TROPE it’s really overdone and plenty of studies show it not to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that when my parents gave bogus curfews like 10pm, I just "spent the night with girlfriends". It wasn't the safest and sometimes I really didn't have a place to stay.

I know I'll be slammed for this given DCUM, but we never let dc's sleep over at friends when young and now they know not to ask. Makes me feel so. much. better. about them going to parties, etc. I also wait up when they come home (not always, but sometimes) to assess the situation. My dd's friend lets her sleep over at our house, but every single time she's done so, I've gotten a text from the mom 'thanking me for having her' which I think is her way of making sure she is actually staying over.

Hi I went to college with kids who had parents like you. Those kids were crazy wild and engaging in all sorts of dangerous behavior. I was over it by college and barely drank. There is a world of difference between parents who allow too much and parents who allow nothing.

I’m too lazy to do your research but that’s SUCH A COMMON TROPE it’s really overdone and plenty of studies show it not to be true.

I'm a different poster, but I don't care what the studies say as this also seemed true from my experience. I had a lot of freedom in high school and younger but was also exposed to a fair amount by a pretty young age. By college, I was pretty much bored with drinking, partying, etc. that I focused almost entirely on academics and career related pursuits by the time I got to college (while all my peers who had helicopter parents were going nuts and had trouble coping with all the newfound freedom).

[Anonymous]

OP, I thought it was much better for our daughter to drive herself. We encouraged early and thorough driving experience/skills. Especially recommend if they are going to a party, of any kind. She can leave when she wants. She, and only she, is responsible for her safety.

[Anonymous]

I was so unpopular in high school, I never had any parties to go to or any trouble to get into. I can't help but be a little happy that my teen daughter actually has a social life.

[Anonymous]

Can’t believe all the parents that don’t allow their 16-18 yr olds in the car with another 16-18 yr old. That is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe all the parents that don’t allow their 16-18 yr olds in the car with another 16-18 yr old. That is insane.

What good comes from allowing it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe all the parents that don’t allow their 16-18 yr olds in the car with another 16-18 yr old. That is insane.

What good comes from allowing it

A normal social life. Mom picking you up and dropping you off at this age really puts a damper on development. I can't imagine being at a friend's house and we want to go get ice cream and I need to go call my mom to drive us (when we are both capable and licensed) or not being able to drive to a county fair with a friend, out to bowling and greasy spoon restaurant after...or really doing anything besides having Mom plop me at a friend's house.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your teen is trust-worthy, tell her to be home at 11pm and don't micro-manage her social life.

[Anonymous]

My teenagers have to be home by 9pm on weeknights and 10pm on weekends unless we agree ahead of time they can stay out later. They can spend the night at their friends' houses but not with the car. DH and I happily drop her off if she wants to spend the night at a friend's house. They know I can use the Verizon family companion app to locate them

I trust but verify. I also have these boundaries to support them in making good decisions. If nothing else, they can always tell their friends they can't do something because of the boundaries but, really, those boundaries don't interfere and are not unduly burdensome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that when my parents gave bogus curfews like 10pm, I just "spent the night with girlfriends". It wasn't the safest and sometimes I really didn't have a place to stay.

I know I'll be slammed for this given DCUM, but we never let dc's sleep over at friends when young and now they know not to ask. Makes me feel so. much. better. about them going to parties, etc. I also wait up when they come home (not always, but sometimes) to assess the situation. My dd's friend lets her sleep over at our house, but every single time she's done so, I've gotten a text from the mom 'thanking me for having her' which I think is her way of making sure she is actually staying over.

Hi I went to college with kids who had parents like you. Those kids were crazy wild and engaging in all sorts of dangerous behavior. I was over it by college and barely drank. There is a world of difference between parents who allow too much and parents who allow nothing.

Not PP but how do you associated sleeping over with crazy "dangerous behavior"??? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe all the parents that don’t allow their 16-18 yr olds in the car with another 16-18 yr old. That is insane.

Insane? It's the LAW.


https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/drivers/#restrictions.asp

Curfew Restrictions
If you are under age 18, Virginia law prohibits you from driving midnight to 4 A.M. except when driving:


If you are under age 18, you may carry only one passenger under age 21, unless accompanied by a licensed parent, or other adult acting in place of a parent, in the front passenger seat. However, after you have held your license for one year, you may carry up to three passengers under age 21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that when my parents gave bogus curfews like 10pm, I just "spent the night with girlfriends". It wasn't the safest and sometimes I really didn't have a place to stay.

+1
I insisted on a consistent stream of texts documenting location: I'm going here, I'm leaving here, Heading home and Home safe (I don't always wait up). DD always knew that if she consistently does these things I'll be more liberal in my policies, if she forgets/decides not to, the rules are tighter. It's worked (still does it when she's home on break for college--mainly because she knows I'll worry and lose sleep otherwise).

I didn't allow her to drive with friends until 18 except to school or work (kind of fitting with Virginia law). It's easier to just have that rule rather than assess on a case-by-case situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe all the parents that don’t allow their 16-18 yr olds in the car with another 16-18 yr old. That is insane.

That's VA law. And they make a big deal of it when kids get their license--when our DS got it, they handed it to me (the mom) and say the license is actually mine and I'm responsible for making sure they don't drive with other kids until they are 18 except for going to school or work. A lot of kids don't bother getting their license until 17-18. Some families don't pay attention to this for sure, but it definitely made an impression on me to be told that. We live near a metro anyway (in Arlington) so teens tend to use that more than drive anyway.