Should a daughter-- / son-in-law be a caregiver to elderly ILs?

[Anonymous]

Well I am planning on caring for my mom, my Ex-MIL and my new partner’s parents including his mom who hates me lol. Already helped with my late Ex-FIL and my dad who just died last month. Just because that’s how we do in my family and that’s the example I want to set for my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes a village. If the in-laws are local and have a good relationship sure. A neighbor could fill the same role.

You can’t rope in a neighbor to care for your elderly relatives. They’ve got their own stuff to deal with. What makes you think a neighbor wants the responsibility when family doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

My ILs don’t believe in provide direct caregiving to elderly adults. Everything is outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes a village. If the in-laws are local and have a good relationship sure. A neighbor could fill the same role.

You can’t rope in a neighbor to care for your elderly relatives. They’ve got their own stuff to deal with. What makes you think a neighbor wants the responsibility when family doesn’t?

Be ready to pay well if you find such a unicorn in your neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Read the other thread about no one even knowing their neighbors.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly.

Why are you doing all of this? It's very kind that you're doing it, but if your husband's sister lives nearby then she should step up. Not doing much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality or because it doesn't fit in her schedule are feeble excuses. It won't do. Why are you letting her off the hook?
Your husband treats you like his mother's maid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly.

Why are you doing all of this? It's very kind that you're doing it, but if your husband's sister lives nearby then she should step up. Not doing much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality or because it doesn't fit in her schedule are feeble excuses. It won't do. Why are you letting her off the hook?
Your husband treats you like his mother's maid.

The sister does many important things, and offers financial help that we cannot offer. She is pulling her weight, even though it’s not exactly the same things that we do. My husband could interfere less with the caregiver stuff, and that would make my life easier.

My MIL doesn’t want to go to a nursing home, and I can’t fault her for that. One day, it will probably happen. We care for her so she can stay in her own place. Her husband cared for her until he died a couple of years ago. Her happiness matters to me, and I don’t feel like her maid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly.

Why are you doing all of this? It's very kind that you're doing it, but if your husband's sister lives nearby then she should step up. Not doing much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality or because it doesn't fit in her schedule are feeble excuses. It won't do. Why are you letting her off the hook?
Your husband treats you like his mother's maid.

The sister does many important things, and offers financial help that we cannot offer. She is pulling her weight, even though it’s not exactly the same things that we do. My husband could interfere less with the caregiver stuff, and that would make my life easier.

My MIL doesn’t want to go to a nursing home, and I can’t fault her for that. One day, it will probably happen. We care for her so she can stay in her own place. Her husband cared for her until he died a couple of years ago. Her happiness matters to me, and I don’t feel like her maid.

So your husband's sister - who lives nearby - doesn't do much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality, it doesn't fit in her schedule and, more importantly, she can afford to throw money at it. And because you and your husband cannot offer the financial help that she offers, you both have to put your own lives on hold, so to speak? This seems unfair. Are you and your husband working full-time?
What do your husband's other siblings do to support their mother?

In my own situation I wouldn't be able to do what you do, because I travel a lot for my job which means I stay away from home for up to 6 or 7 days each trip. When my job gets really hectic I am usually home for only 3 or 4 days maximum before I go on the next trip. Sometimes I'm back home for only 24 hours, although this is unusual.

Your MIL doesn't want to go to a nursing home. I understand, but at some point you will have to make the decision for her. My MIL, aged 91, doesn't want to go to a nursing home either. SIL and her husband, both in their mid 50s, are MIL's main caregivers, and they can't wait to sell their house, leave the area and move into a beach house they bought some years ago. The beach house is 7 hours away. My husband and his siblings have now started looking at care facilities - only my MIL doesn't know it yet ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly.

Why are you doing all of this? It's very kind that you're doing it, but if your husband's sister lives nearby then she should step up. Not doing much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality or because it doesn't fit in her schedule are feeble excuses. It won't do. Why are you letting her off the hook?
Your husband treats you like his mother's maid.

The sister does many important things, and offers financial help that we cannot offer. She is pulling her weight, even though it’s not exactly the same things that we do. My husband could interfere less with the caregiver stuff, and that would make my life easier.

My MIL doesn’t want to go to a nursing home, and I can’t fault her for that. One day, it will probably happen. We care for her so she can stay in her own place. Her husband cared for her until he died a couple of years ago. Her happiness matters to me, and I don’t feel like her maid.

So your husband's sister - who lives nearby - doesn't do much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality, it doesn't fit in her schedule and, more importantly, she can afford to throw money at it. And because you and your husband cannot offer the financial help that she offers, you both have to put your own lives on hold, so to speak? This seems unfair. Are you and your husband working full-time?
What do your husband's other siblings do to support their mother?

In my own situation I wouldn't be able to do what you do, because I travel a lot for my job which means I stay away from home for up to 6 or 7 days each trip. When my job gets really hectic I am usually home for only 3 or 4 days maximum before I go on the next trip. Sometimes I'm back home for only 24 hours, although this is unusual.

Your MIL doesn't want to go to a nursing home. I understand, but at some point you will have to make the decision for her. My MIL, aged 91, doesn't want to go to a nursing home either. SIL and her husband, both in their mid 50s, are MIL's main caregivers, and they can't wait to sell their house, leave the area and move into a beach house they bought some years ago. The beach house is 7 hours away. My husband and his siblings have now started looking at care facilities - only my MIL doesn't know it yet ...

The other sibling is an addict, and verbally abusive. They tried that for a while. Not only did he not give her proper care, but he stole drugs, things and money from her. She also had to endure being screamed at several times a week. No good.

SIL also has to travel frequently, including long international trips. She has a young teen, and her only viable solution was putting her into a facility. When we are both sick, she will care for her. Hopefully, we don’t ever both get sick at the same time when she’s in Europe. She also lives 20ish miles away.

We rarely travel for work. We moved her 1/4 mile away from where we live, and my child is an adult.

This may not be easiest thing, but it works for us. I don’t mind doing it. I’ve known MIL since I was 9, and she’s always been kinder to me than my own mother. We do work full time, but she has a full time caregiver with her when we’re at work.

[Anonymous]

I provide care to my in-laws because their kids and spouses simply won’t and don’t. So I do it because I can’t handle my in-laws being neglected. It’s unfair and disrespectful, but my siblings in law are never going to do it. We’ve talked to them. They make excuses. It’s a crappy situation. At least we know who are our real friends and who we can depend on, and sadly, it’s certainly not them.

[Anonymous]

TOILETTING. Should a DIL or SIL be expected to help with toiletting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TOILETTING. Should a DIL or SIL be expected to help with toiletting?

Absolutely not.

I am a DIL of a MIL who is declining, who we see very often. But for my own sanity and her own dignity I am never going to provide bathing, toileting, personal care. Women fall into doing these things because they have to be done and men refuse. But in our situation my husband will need to use her money to pay for aides if that is needed.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, my father's elderly aunt lived with us. When she had a stroke and was bedridden, my mother took care of her (and so did my father, to be fair) as if she was her own relative, for three years until the day my great aunt died. She said she couldn't bear to put her in a home. But they lived together before care was needed and got along very well and loved each other even if they weren't related by blood.

I think it's very different if there is no good relationship, of course, but this is something from my childhood that really stuck with me about family taking care of each other.

[Anonymous]

When my mother was in her last years brothers and sisters in law helped. So did adult grandchildren. This included spending the night on a spare bed in her room when she couldn't be left alone. It included helping her to the bathroom. My sister used to put on her bathing suit and get in the shower with mom.