Reply to Should a daughter-- / son-in-law be a caregiver to elderly ILs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband and I give daily care to my MIL. One of his siblings lives nearby, but doesn’t do much of the hands-on care. It’s just not in her personality, nor does it fit in her schedule.

I manage all of aspects of finding, hiring, managing and paying (vis Medicaid) for her caregivers. For this part, I feel under-appreciated. My husband meddles by telling the caregivers they aren’t needed on certain days, and giving them more leeway with their schedules than is prudent. He also expects me to take off of work when they’re absent. I had to shut that part down. Other than those complaints, it mostly works out.

MIL occasionally gets upset when I do things like leave town to see my family or friends. Her world is very small, and her outlook is kind of child-like, even though she has all of her mental abilities. This is just how it is when you care for the elderly. [/quote]

Why are you doing all of this? It's very kind that you're doing it, but if your husband's sister lives nearby then she should step up. Not doing much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality or because it doesn't fit in her schedule are feeble excuses. It won't do. Why are you letting her off the hook?
Your husband treats you like his mother's maid.
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The sister does many important things, and offers financial help that we cannot offer. She is pulling her weight, even though it’s not exactly the same things that we do. My husband could interfere less with the caregiver stuff, and that would make my life easier.

My MIL doesn’t want to go to a nursing home, and I can’t fault her for that. One day, it will probably happen. We care for her so she can stay in her own place. Her husband cared for her until he died a couple of years ago. Her happiness matters to me, and I don’t feel like her maid. [/quote]

So your husband's sister - who lives nearby - doesn't do much of the hands-on care because it's not in her personality, it doesn't fit in her schedule and, more importantly, she can afford to throw money at it. And because you and your husband cannot offer the financial help that she offers, you both have to put your own lives on hold, so to speak? This seems unfair. Are you and your husband working full-time?
What do your husband's other siblings do to support their mother?

In my own situation I wouldn't be able to do what you do, because I travel a lot for my job which means I stay away from home for up to 6 or 7 days each trip. When my job gets really hectic I am usually home for only 3 or 4 days maximum before I go on the next trip. Sometimes I'm back home for only 24 hours, although this is unusual.

Your MIL doesn't want to go to a nursing home. I understand, but at some point you will have to make the decision for her. My MIL, aged 91, doesn't want to go to a nursing home either. SIL and her husband, both in their mid 50s, are MIL's main caregivers, and they can't wait to sell their house, leave the area and move into a beach house they bought some years ago. The beach house is 7 hours away. My husband and his siblings have now started looking at care facilities - only my MIL doesn't know it yet ...

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