Should a daughter-- / son-in-law be a caregiver to elderly ILs?

[Anonymous]

I am a DIL and while I would bring my MIL to come live with us if it made sense, and would offer the kind of day-to-day care that I think any family member deserves (providing meals, taking to doctors visits, etc.) I will not be a full-on caretaker for her. Definitely not bathing her or doing toiletting. I have told my husband this. He only has brothers and he is the only one who married a woman, so I am the only woman of our generation in the family. Frequently throughout my time in the family, people have expected me to do things that are never expected of the men in the family, to varying degrees of demanding. He has brothers who are no longer welcome to stay in our home when they visit because they expect me to mommy them and clean up after them and I just have no patience for it. I'm not their mommy, I'm not their maid, and I'm definitely not going to wipe their mom's butt for them because they cannot be bothered to find someone else to do it.

This stuff always, always falls to women. It's a major reason for the wage gap. I just refuse. I am the mother to my actual children and no one else. If that means we have to pay for caretaking for my MIL and my parents, so be it. But I simply refuse to be a martyr to everyone's caretaking needs because I was born female.

FWIW, I also feel the same way about my parents -- would offer a place to leave and normal levels of help and care, but will not be a caretaker. But my family doesn't have the same misogynist dynamics as my ILs so I don't worry about having to put my foot down about this. If anything, my brothers already take on more of my parents' elder care than I do because they live closer, but we communicate about it and I certainly work to help out however I can or contribute financially if needed. They have also received more help from my parents over the years because of proximity, so I don't think there is resentment about any of this, but of course I might not be aware. I certainly don't expect my SILs to be caretakers for my parents and would intervene if that was happening and suggest another solution.

[Anonymous]

My mom took care of her MIL in my MILs last months. My grandmother was horrible to my mom. It told me a lot about the type of person my mom is as well as what she Exocets of me.

[Anonymous]

^^her MIL not my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DIL and while I would bring my MIL to come live with us if it made sense, and would offer the kind of day-to-day care that I think any family member deserves (providing meals, taking to doctors visits, etc.) I will not be a full-on caretaker for her. Definitely not bathing her or doing toiletting. I have told my husband this. He only has brothers and he is the only one who married a woman, so I am the only woman of our generation in the family. Frequently throughout my time in the family, people have expected me to do things that are never expected of the men in the family, to varying degrees of demanding. He has brothers who are no longer welcome to stay in our home when they visit because they expect me to mommy them and clean up after them and I just have no patience for it. I'm not their mommy, I'm not their maid, and I'm definitely not going to wipe their mom's butt for them because they cannot be bothered to find someone else to do it.

This stuff always, always falls to women. It's a major reason for the wage gap. I just refuse. I am the mother to my actual children and no one else. If that means we have to pay for caretaking for my MIL and my parents, so be it. But I simply refuse to be a martyr to everyone's caretaking needs because I was born female.

FWIW, I also feel the same way about my parents -- would offer a place to leave and normal levels of help and care, but will not be a caretaker. But my family doesn't have the same misogynist dynamics as my ILs so I don't worry about having to put my foot down about this. If anything, my brothers already take on more of my parents' elder care than I do because they live closer, but we communicate about it and I certainly work to help out however I can or contribute financially if needed. They have also received more help from my parents over the years because of proximity, so I don't think there is resentment about any of this, but of course I might not be aware. I certainly don't expect my SILs to be caretakers for my parents and would intervene if that was happening and suggest another solution.

I couldn’t have said this better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DIL and while I would bring my MIL to come live with us if it made sense, and would offer the kind of day-to-day care that I think any family member deserves (providing meals, taking to doctors visits, etc.) I will not be a full-on caretaker for her. Definitely not bathing her or doing toiletting. I have told my husband this. He only has brothers and he is the only one who married a woman, so I am the only woman of our generation in the family. Frequently throughout my time in the family, people have expected me to do things that are never expected of the men in the family, to varying degrees of demanding. He has brothers who are no longer welcome to stay in our home when they visit because they expect me to mommy them and clean up after them and I just have no patience for it. I'm not their mommy, I'm not their maid, and I'm definitely not going to wipe their mom's butt for them because they cannot be bothered to find someone else to do it.

This stuff always, always falls to women. It's a major reason for the wage gap. I just refuse. I am the mother to my actual children and no one else. If that means we have to pay for caretaking for my MIL and my parents, so be it. But I simply refuse to be a martyr to everyone's caretaking needs because I was born female.

FWIW, I also feel the same way about my parents -- would offer a place to leave and normal levels of help and care, but will not be a caretaker. But my family doesn't have the same misogynist dynamics as my ILs so I don't worry about having to put my foot down about this. If anything, my brothers already take on more of my parents' elder care than I do because they live closer, but we communicate about it and I certainly work to help out however I can or contribute financially if needed. They have also received more help from my parents over the years because of proximity, so I don't think there is resentment about any of this, but of course I might not be aware. I certainly don't expect my SILs to be caretakers for my parents and would intervene if that was happening and suggest another solution.

This. If either of our parents need it they will move in with us and we will take care of them. I will probably not be a physical caretaker in either scenario but certainly planning and organizing and finances etc i will do my part as will dh. Our family life is a team effort.