My Ex is Constantly Punishing DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex is a bully and he knows it, so does your son. He physically bullies a 10 year old for control and power. You divorced him for a reason. One day when your son is bigger than this bully, he may physically defend himself.

You should document everything. Check your son for bruises and photograph. Speak to your lawyer. You have equal say on how your son is raised. Get to it. Start the process with an attorney. No judge will stand for physical abuse, whether CPS says its ex's right or not. He's hurting your child to hurt you. That's power because he believes you can do nothing about it.

This is 100% correct, OP.

The worst thing you can do with a bully like your husband is to back down. That’s why he does it.

The way you fight back against a bully is to win. Quietly document. Does your son text or email or tiktok? If so, save the texts. Call a (good) lawyer. Proceed quietly for a few months. Then take legal action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

Regularly hitting a 10 year old is not being a parent. It's abuse.

Its bad parenting but if there are no marks or bruises its not abuse. Both parents are the problem.

I see no evidence that OP's issues are anywhere near her DH's.

She absolutely sounds equally harmful and the kid is going to be a nightmare as a teenager but this is probably aa fake post anyway.

[Anonymous]

It absolutely sounds like the father is a bad parent, and taking out some kind of mental health issues on a child. OP, don't listen to the critics. I don't have advice for you but hope that someone more sympathetic chimes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

Regularly hitting a 10 year old is not being a parent. It's abuse.

Its bad parenting but if there are no marks or bruises its not abuse. Both parents are the problem.

I see no evidence that OP's issues are anywhere near her DH's.

She absolutely sounds equally harmful and the kid is going to be a nightmare as a teenager but this is probably aa fake post anyway.

what it the world ..? where are you getting that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

I suspect the poster is too permissive and dad, observing this, feels he needs to correct disciplinary issues by himself. A not uncommon dynamic. I would take the OPs account with a big grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect the poster is too permissive and dad, observing this, feels he needs to correct disciplinary issues by himself. A not uncommon dynamic. I would take the OPs account with a big grain of salt.

Admit it pp, you condone physically hitting a child. Loser!

[Anonymous]

OP here, wow the variety of responses I got. I'm more permissive than X-H for sure, but I'm not letting DS get away with everything. I believe in building a kid up, consciously and conscientiously responding to DS. Life is gonna tear our kids down one way or the other, they don't need to be getting it from us at home when they're young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad. The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me. He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights. One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid. I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home, which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

OP, I know this sucks but please know that things like this tend to work themselves out in the long run. My father was similar to this, and my parents are not divorced. The way things worked themselves out is that I arrived at adulthood with no filial emotion for him whatsoever. Children know who loves them and who doesn't. They don't stay children forever.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know this sucks but please know that things like this tend to work themselves out in the long run. My father was similar to this, and my parents are not divorced. The way things worked themselves out is that I arrived at adulthood with no filial emotion for him whatsoever. Children know who loves them and who doesn't. They don't stay children forever.

Utterly tone deaf. You're suggesting a 10 year old should wait it out until 18 to distance himself from a father that berates and hits him. Sorry that you had to endure what you did, but your response leads me to believe you should come to grips with the abuse at the hands of your own father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

The problem is that some of Dad's behavior is in the grey area, and some is really good parenting (in fact, something OP could learn from)

Telling a 10yo that they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch is good. It teaches responsibility.

Telling a 10yo they are bad at something and should quit is bad. Dad needs to be more supportive.

But since OP listed all those things together, it just feels like she doesn't like Dad's style of parenting, which is probably part of the reason they are divorced. But its nothing that really warrants any type of intervention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

The problem is that some of Dad's behavior is in the grey area, and some is really good parenting (in fact, something OP could learn from)

Telling a 10yo that they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch is good. It teaches responsibility.

Telling a 10yo they are bad at something and should quit is bad. Dad needs to be more supportive.

But since OP listed all those things together, it just feels like she doesn't like Dad's style of parenting, which is probably part of the reason they are divorced. But its nothing that really warrants any type of intervention

Op here again. Telling a 10 year old to prepare his own food is teaching responsibility, doing that in retaliation because DS pissed you off, is not. It's punitive and sends the message to DS that if he isn't people pleasing or perfect, essential things can be withheld from him. That's what I don't agree with. It's not the idea that OMG DS has to make a sandwich when he's hungry and dad is on a call. It's the message behind I don't like how you behaved, therefore I'm not making you food.

But you have a point, I clearly don't like X's overall parenting approach, and that's something I need to deal with. What I was looking for is how to do I support my son so he doesn't internalize these messages and take them as proof that he's a "useless or a failure" as he recently keeps referring to himself. Things I would never call him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

The problem is that some of Dad's behavior is in the grey area, and some is really good parenting (in fact, something OP could learn from)

Telling a 10yo that they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch is good. It teaches responsibility.

Telling a 10yo they are bad at something and should quit is bad. Dad needs to be more supportive.

But since OP listed all those things together, it just feels like she doesn't like Dad's style of parenting, which is probably part of the reason they are divorced. But its nothing that really warrants any type of intervention

Op here again. Telling a 10 year old to prepare his own food is teaching responsibility, doing that in retaliation because DS pissed you off, is not. It's punitive and sends the message to DS that if he isn't people pleasing or perfect, essential things can be withheld from him. That's what I don't agree with. It's not the idea that OMG DS has to make a sandwich when he's hungry and dad is on a call. It's the message behind I don't like how you behaved, therefore I'm not making you food.

But you have a point, I clearly don't like X's overall parenting approach, and that's something I need to deal with. What I was looking for is how to do I support my son so he doesn't internalize these messages and take them as proof that he's a "useless or a failure" as he recently keeps referring to himself. Things I would never call him.

PP, oh yes, sorry. I misread your initial post. I thought that was just "the rule" in Dad's house: he must make his own breakfast and lunch.

If he stops making breakfast and lunch because of some behavior on your son's part, then that is wrong. That's punishment, not teaching responsibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I know this sucks but please know that things like this tend to work themselves out in the long run. My father was similar to this, and my parents are not divorced. The way things worked themselves out is that I arrived at adulthood with no filial emotion for him whatsoever. Children know who loves them and who doesn't. They don't stay children forever.

Utterly tone deaf. You're suggesting a 10 year old should wait it out until 18 to distance himself from a father that berates and hits him. Sorry that you had to endure what you did, but your response leads me to believe you should come to grips with the abuse at the hands of your own father.

You misunderstand. I'm not suggesting anything with regard to the 10-year old. What I'm suggesting is that the consequences of her ex's behavior is that it will erode the natural affection a child feels for the parent. Just like my father's meanness eroded my natural affection for him - which I'm utterly at peace with. I mean it's a completely normal reaction to stop loving someone mean to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

The problem is that some of Dad's behavior is in the grey area, and some is really good parenting (in fact, something OP could learn from)

Telling a 10yo that they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch is good. It teaches responsibility.

Telling a 10yo they are bad at something and should quit is bad. Dad needs to be more supportive.

But since OP listed all those things together, it just feels like she doesn't like Dad's style of parenting, which is probably part of the reason they are divorced. But its nothing that really warrants any type of intervention

Op here again. Telling a 10 year old to prepare his own food is teaching responsibility, doing that in retaliation because DS pissed you off, is not. It's punitive and sends the message to DS that if he isn't people pleasing or perfect, essential things can be withheld from him. That's what I don't agree with. It's not the idea that OMG DS has to make a sandwich when he's hungry and dad is on a call. It's the message behind I don't like how you behaved, therefore I'm not making you food.

But you have a point, I clearly don't like X's overall parenting approach, and that's something I need to deal with. What I was looking for is how to do I support my son so he doesn't internalize these messages and take them as proof that he's a "useless or a failure" as he recently keeps referring to himself. Things I would never call him.

NP and I'm not sure I would classify that as withholding essential things from him assuming the food is accessible and he otherwise knows how to prepare it (presumably at age 10 he can make a sandwich?). I don't think it's a bad lesson that if you act like a jerk people aren't going to go out of their way to help you out. From your OP it sounded like your son was being rude vs. just not pleasing or perfect.