How to stop toxic parent from contacting people in your life

[Anonymous]

Good advice from the last 2 posters. I know this dynamic well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good advice from the last 2 posters. I know this dynamic well.

+1 Hugs, OP. Keep in mind things may escalate as she tries to respond. Just like with a toddler, do not reinforce behaviors you don't want.

[Anonymous]

I'd explain nicely that she's mentally ill, OP.

[Anonymous]

That’s hard, OP. I am a private person and the last thing I want is for my family member to be airing our family dysfunctional details in front of my friends and relatives. It’s one reason I moved an ocean away from them and stay off FB and Instagram.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will only get worse OP.

I preferred to keep in touch with my gossiping narcissist mother so I could feed her the info I wanted her to know.

I also moved to another state and only see family on rare visits home a couple.of times a year.

Cutting her off completely will make her go berserk with gossip that is even worse than it was before. "Gray rock" is so much better.

Let others know your mother is trying to control you life. You can't control those other people either, they may believe what your mother says. Google narcissist and "flying monkeys": it's a known thing they do. The only person you can control is yourself.

Know all this from experience. Good luck OP.

DP. It depends on the dynamic. If OP can really go no contact, and can ignore third party “helpers” it could work. Mommy Dearest will probably escalate, trying to provoke a response, because it worked in the past. Usually, like tantruming children, they realize it’s not working and they move on to something more fun. This won’t work if OP feeds it by responding, even sending messages through family to stop or giving negative attention. The worst thing you can do is say you’re cutting someone off forever then go back, because you’re teaching them that if they shout loud enough, you’ll come back and be nice to get them to be quiet. So if you can’t really cut them off, the PP above is exactly right, and super low contact helps.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP.
I'm in a similar situation and there's some good advice on this thread. I'm doing my best to go low-contact with people who try and interfere, and I'm focusing on myself and my kids and getting loads of therapy. If nothing else, the cycle stops with me.

Hugs and know you aren't alone. this shit is crazy.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this. Since she has no contact information for anyone outside of my siblings, it’s easily managed. She has burned more bridges than I care to acknowledge.

She will do what she will do. Trying legal action will turn this into the high drama circus she craves. I’d like to caution you against that. Nothing good will come from it. I promise.

I know my siblings have my back, and I literally have zero Fs to give about anyone who believes her crazy nonsense. I encourage you to find the the same zero Fs. It’s the best way.

In the interim, I can recommend you say things like: “My mother has a lot of issues.” “My mother sees things the way she likes to see them.” And, for the persistent ones : “My mother is incredibly abusive, and I don’t like discussing it.” or, alternately “My mother is crazy, and I can’t have that level of crazy in my life. She knows where I am, but we don’t speak anymore.”

What she’s doing is referring to as using “flying monkeys.” Give them as little information about you as possible if you think they’re sympathizing with your mom. There’s no need to win them over, or explain your side of the store. Your boundaries are you own, and you owe precisely no one an explanation for them.

Most people don’t comprehend a mother who could treat her own kids with cruelty. Be grateful there are more people out there raised by normal, caring parents. They’re lucky to not know how bad it can be, and they’re unlikely to ever understand. They don’t know they’re lucky, but you do.

PS: Please consider therapy, or reading some books on personality disordered parents. You’re not alone. There’s even a subreddit : r/raisedbyborderlines

[Anonymous]

How much money were you bankrolling her? And why doesn't she just get a job, or food stamps? Low income senior housing?

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to give you some support for setting this very clear boundary for your mom. Kudos to you for that I know it's not easy! She needs that very well defined boundary and she needs to respect that you set it. I did the same thing with my brother several years ago and all I can say is that I finally have peace and relief in my life. The negative vortex of energy is gone and I'm left with such positivity and lightness that I really feel as though I'm a better person for it. I try to remember that I have control over my life and how I respond to things. I don't need to entertain the drama anymore and I refuse to let anyone treat me the way he did. No one deserves that. I refuse to have a relationship with someone so negative and toxic. The only option for me was to cut ties completely. Good luck OP, you are not alone!

[Anonymous]

OP I just wanted to congratulate you on taking the hard step of going no contact. It can be so hard because society engravings in us to always be good to your mom. The reality however is that some moms are toxic and don’t deserve to be in our lives. Kudos to you for choosing your own well-being. You can’t control other perception of the situation. So my advice would be to focus on you. Don’t be hard on yourself, have positive self talk. Confide in a few close friends who can be empathetic, and set boundaries that they aren’t allowed to badger you about the issue. Good luck! It’s hard but worth it. I’ve been there.