How long before you introduce gf/bf to kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok to introduce early but not necessarily have them spend a lot of time together. The point is that they don't get attached if it might not work out. Right?

My daughter has met most of the people in my social circle, many of whom are guys. So I will let her meet guys I am dating in casual circumstances with a bunch of folks around. I'm dating someone now, and she has met him twice in passing. If we don't work out, he is nothing more to her than one of my friends. She has a dad. She's happy for me to be dating, though, because I am happy. Dad and I split when I was pregnant, so she has never known us as a couple.

It's not just about attachment. It's also about safety.

[Anonymous]

We met at church, so we knew each others’ kids before we started dating. We told them we were dating around six months, and started doing things as a group around 18 months. We’re holding off on sleepovers with the younger kids present until we’re married (older kids are off to college in the fall).

[Anonymous]

21:04- safety isn't really a factor if your kid is never alone with anyone and they don't have access outside of you. I'd never leave my daughter with someone I was dating casually. But having her meet them at a group dinner? Sure, why not? My daughter has met four guys I've dated in 13 years. The first two, she was too young to know the difference. One she met in a group and had no idea I was dating him. The current one has met her briefly, twice. I keep them separate for the most part. If the relationship seems to lead toward marriage, they'll spend more time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:04- safety isn't really a factor if your kid is never alone with anyone and they don't have access outside of you. I'd never leave my daughter with someone I was dating casually. But having her meet them at a group dinner? Sure, why not? My daughter has met four guys I've dated in 13 years. The first two, she was too young to know the difference. One she met in a group and had no idea I was dating him. The current one has met her briefly, twice. I keep them separate for the most part. If the relationship seems to lead toward marriage, they'll spend more time together.

If you are dating these men casually you don't know them well enough to know how they move. If they would try to get at your daughter when you aren't around and she'd think it's okay to go with them because he's your friend that you met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I introduced my teenagers to my BF at the three month mark. The relationship felt very solid (it still is at 9 months) and it seemed like I was almost keeping something from them by not introducing him. He probably sees them either for a meal or a short conversation about once a week and he doesn’t stay overnight when my kids are with me — which is half the time.

9 months is nothing. No wonder you divorced the first time around.

I know exactly how long 9 months is. I was married for 19 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:04- safety isn't really a factor if your kid is never alone with anyone and they don't have access outside of you. I'd never leave my daughter with someone I was dating casually. But having her meet them at a group dinner? Sure, why not? My daughter has met four guys I've dated in 13 years. The first two, she was too young to know the difference. One she met in a group and had no idea I was dating him. The current one has met her briefly, twice. I keep them separate for the most part. If the relationship seems to lead toward marriage, they'll spend more time together.

If you are dating these men casually you don't know them well enough to know how they move. If they would try to get at your daughter when you aren't around and she'd think it's okay to go with them because he's your friend that you met.

Reading comprehension fail, PP. This person clearly said safety isn't a factor if you never leave your kid alone with that person. Your statement implies that the hypothetical DD shouldn't meet any of her mom's acquaintances, because they could just as easily be predators. I would assume this would go for married people too - any 'friend' is suspect in your mind. I suspect that you just like to feel like you're superior to single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok to introduce early but not necessarily have them spend a lot of time together. The point is that they don't get attached if it might not work out. Right?

My daughter has met most of the people in my social circle, many of whom are guys. So I will let her meet guys I am dating in casual circumstances with a bunch of folks around. I'm dating someone now, and she has met him twice in passing. If we don't work out, he is nothing more to her than one of my friends. She has a dad. She's happy for me to be dating, though, because I am happy. Dad and I split when I was pregnant, so she has never known us as a couple.

This is the best advice you have gotten. It’s not about introduction, it’s about attachment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I introduced my teenagers to my BF at the three month mark. The relationship felt very solid (it still is at 9 months) and it seemed like I was almost keeping something from them by not introducing him. He probably sees them either for a meal or a short conversation about once a week and he doesn’t stay overnight when my kids are with me — which is half the time.

I have to agree with a lot of other PPs here - 6 months is absolute minimum and 9-12 months is ideal. This was just too soon PP and imagine if you don't continue then it would be a lot of emotional stress for your kids. Not sure what was thought process about introducing kids to your BF so early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jlo is a terrible parent and relationship shopper.

Young girls do not ever need to be introduced to boyfriends.

I agree. She is not a model parent that I want my kid to see. Yikes

[Anonymous]

It's both - attachment and stress for your kids and safety. Introducing too early is never a good idea and I do judge parents who do it so quickly.

[Anonymous]

An introduction if fine. Children do not become emotionally attached to someone whom they are introduced. The real issue is how much time they spend together. If it’s brief visits, then the kids won’t really know the bf. if it’s all day events, frequent, and over nights. Then the kids will get attached. This shouldn’t happen until a permanent relationship is in the plans.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife after her 2 failed marriages is on a dating cycle and introducing kids to her Bfs after 1-2 months. She took kids and had a sleep over at her ex-bfs' home after knowing hi for just 6 weeks. WTF!

Now, she introduced kids (within 2 months) to her new Bf who is in this country since last 3 years and living with them. Planning to get married after knowing him for 6-7 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met at church, so we knew each others’ kids before we started dating. We told them we were dating around six months, and started doing things as a group around 18 months. We’re holding off on sleepovers with the younger kids present until we’re married (older kids are off to college in the fall).

This is pretty good, PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:04- safety isn't really a factor if your kid is never alone with anyone and they don't have access outside of you. I'd never leave my daughter with someone I was dating casually. But having her meet them at a group dinner? Sure, why not? My daughter has met four guys I've dated in 13 years. The first two, she was too young to know the difference. One she met in a group and had no idea I was dating him. The current one has met her briefly, twice. I keep them separate for the most part. If the relationship seems to lead toward marriage, they'll spend more time together.

I think it's also about the environment. Kids can tell when something is going on between two people and the seem very familiar. It would be weird if the guy didn't seem to treat you any differently from the other people present.

Also, are these gatherings with other parents and their kids? Or are you bringing your kid to get togethers with a bunch of grown ups? Your kid doesn't remember you and your ex being married and being part of a family unit since you initiated divorce before she was born. I would be careful to model the right type of environment. If you're talking about another family is having a party for families and your divorced BF happens to be invited with his kids, then fine. But if you're taking your kid on a bunch of grown up outings then that's just not the right environment. Save that for your non-custody days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok to introduce early but not necessarily have them spend a lot of time together. The point is that they don't get attached if it might not work out. Right?

My daughter has met most of the people in my social circle, many of whom are guys. So I will let her meet guys I am dating in casual circumstances with a bunch of folks around. I'm dating someone now, and she has met him twice in passing. If we don't work out, he is nothing more to her than one of my friends. She has a dad. She's happy for me to be dating, though, because I am happy. Dad and I split when I was pregnant, so she has never known us as a couple.

This is the best advice you have gotten. It’s not about introduction, it’s about attachment.

I always love this line.

Sure, your daughter is happy with you dating around, because you are so happy. That's all that matters, right PP?