Do you know someone with a personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both have very close friends with bipolar. I have been friends with her for 24 years (middle school) and DH has been friends with him for 11 years.

We are able to still be good friends with them, but it takes patience and understanding. Our friends can withdraw for months at a time. they can put themselves in bad financial situations because of constantly moving jobs. They can get mad at us for reasons we don't understand. It isn't always the easiest friendship to have and there is def. more work on my part to keep it going (its normal for her to retreat and then feel bad about reaching out afterwards).

That said, she was the 2nd person I called when my dad died (DH was first) and one of the few people that I feel like I can be completely vulnerable with. she has trusted me with a lot of her mental health load, and in return, i trust her with mine.

DH's friend's BPD can be a bit harder to work with, as his mania is high and his lows are low. But DH is understanding that the disorder is not who his friend is and he's patient.

Things won't be normal. They just aren't with someone with a personality disorder. You make your own normal. I would recommend getting a therapist. It also DOES NOT make you a bad person if you have to put yours or your children's well being over that of your spouse.

There are some key misconceptions here. Bipolar is NOT a personality disorder, it is a mood disorder (as is depression).

[Anonymous]

I dated a woman for a few years who was admittedly manic-depressive.

But she hid the fact that she also had borderline personality disorder. I discovered this by stumbling upon a few pieces of information, Google the information, and also reading the BPD symptoms (which matched one-for-one with her behaviors).

So much conflict, fighting, threats of self-harm, fear of abandonment, accusing me of things I've never done, fits of sexual mania, etc.

It's really, really tough. Especially since she was academically brilliant and has an insane work ethic. When she moved away to start her PhD at a renowned university, I broke up with her. I just couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with that person while always walking on eggshells, let alone bringing kids into that situation.

I definitely have a form of mild PTSD from that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I dated a guy I later learned had bipolar disorder. One of the major issues was that he was deeply fearful/paranoid of people at work finding out he had it, but he also regularly went off his medication because he didn't like it (I learned all this after the fact). He did some really terrible things to me when we broke up, and I finally sat down with him to talk to him about it. I wouldn't do that now -- I was young and wanted resolution and though talking to him would help. Anyway, that's when he told me about his BPD, his issues with medication, the lengths he'd gone to to hide it from others, and even about several intense manic episodes he had where he lost time (largely due to drug use) and woke up in other cities, and once in a mental health facility in a hospital.

It was actually really frustrating to get this unloaded on me because while it may have explained his behavior, it also made me feel bad for him (which I think was at the point). The longer I've gotten from this event, the more I recognize that he had likely done this on purpose (or at least instinctively) because he knew he'd done some really terrible things to me and it was his way of preemptively excusing that behavior without having to actually be accountable or apologize.

Interestingly, this happened to me again some years later. I'd wound up in an abusive relationship with a work mentor who crossed a serious line with me. Once again, I sat down with her to discuss it (this is like, a thing with me) and once again she preempted the conversation by discussing something else. Though in her case, she didn't tell me about having BPD, but about losing her mother at a young age and the emotional impact of that event. But the end result is the same -- it's a way of excusing behavior, avoiding accountability, deflecting criticism. Once I saw the parallel, I wondered if she had a PD as well. Though based on her behavior I would not have guessed BPD (I didn't really notice any mania with her). I do think she has a high degree of narcissism, but NPD is so rare, especially in women, that I'm reluctant to guess it's that.

The point of all this is to say that I think there are some people, whether diagnosed or not, whose mental health issues can cause real damage to other people, and I think the best thing to do in these situations is to set your boundaries and hold them. I have a history of depression and anxiety and have a lot of empathy for people who struggle with mental health. But I do think that once it has reached a point where you are harming others, we should be talking less about stigma and more about how to minimize harm.

[Anonymous]

I do, and it’s hard to be married to me, but not that hard. People act like it’s all doom and gloom but I see people on here complain of spouses who are just kind of emotionally absent or inconsiderate or have weird ideas about sharing responsibilities and I think those people would be harder to be married to than me. I want more than anything to have a good marriage and be a good mom so I work hard at it and my episodes of depression or mania or anxiety aren’t easy but DH and I still have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Our organization hired someone who I'm pretty sure had borderline personality disorder. I remember at the interview thinking it was weird that he had worked at 7 different organizations in a relatively short amount of time. I asked him about it and he said he job hopped a lot to make more money but it should have been a red flag.

He was basically a shit stirrer. Spent a lot of time creating drama in our workplace. Lots of meetings to deal with crises, like clients threatening to sue the organization, people quitting in a huff (because he told them to, it turns out); people making demands and ultimatums. He was like a master manipulator and he apparently amused himself by creating all this drama and roping other less savvy people into it. Just so much drama!

So relieved when he moved on and began torturing another group of employees at another organization. Sometimes these people can be really hard to spot in the typical two or three rounds of interviews.

[Anonymous]

Yes a major narcissist. I did the slow fade when I found out she was cheating on her husband and had a bf. She left her cancer ridden husband for the bf against all good advice. I thought she was long gone until I got a call from her. Wasn't greener on the other side, and she was also diagnosed with cancer.
When her daughter got married she told me her mother kept jumping into pictures when the photographer was walking around. She was something else!

[Anonymous]

Is the person amenable to treatment at all? I think one thing that distinguishes a personality disorder like OCPD or borderline personality disorder from mood disorders like OCD or bipolar disorder is that people with personality disorders almost always resist treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the person amenable to treatment at all? I think one thing that distinguishes a personality disorder like OCPD or borderline personality disorder from mood disorders like OCD or bipolar disorder is that people with personality disorders almost always resist treatment.

This, though there are people with mood disorders who resist treatment or view their condition as something positive they don’t want to change, even if it is negatively affecting people close to them. Heck, I’ve known a person with ADHD (which I generally don’t think of in the same category as personality disorders at all) who had become so attached to the idea that all of her hurtful behavior could be attributed to and thus excused by her ADHD that she would not accept any form of criticism or apologize for any behavior at all.

I think part of it is that you can have a mood disorder or an executive functioning disorder and ALSO have high levels of narcissism or other behaviors associated with a personality disorder, and the outcome for others is essentially the same. Also, people get misdiagnosed all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family/friend? How's that working out? Were you able to still have a good relationship?

DH was just diagnosed and I'm honestly a little freaked. This seems so much bigger than anxiety or depression. Is there a chance for something normal here? OCPD if it matters.

It definitely does matter. Some of them are more treatable than others. (Ex. BPD>>>>>>>>NPD).

OCPD is more challenging than OCD because in OCPD the person doesn't have insight about their beliefs/behaviors causing suffering, either for them or others. What is it like to live with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both have very close friends with bipolar. I have been friends with her for 24 years (middle school) and DH has been friends with him for 11 years.

We are able to still be good friends with them, but it takes patience and understanding. Our friends can withdraw for months at a time. they can put themselves in bad financial situations because of constantly moving jobs. They can get mad at us for reasons we don't understand. It isn't always the easiest friendship to have and there is def. more work on my part to keep it going (its normal for her to retreat and then feel bad about reaching out afterwards).

That said, she was the 2nd person I called when my dad died (DH was first) and one of the few people that I feel like I can be completely vulnerable with. she has trusted me with a lot of her mental health load, and in return, i trust her with mine.

DH's friend's BPD can be a bit harder to work with, as his mania is high and his lows are low. But DH is understanding that the disorder is not who his friend is and he's patient.

Things won't be normal. They just aren't with someone with a personality disorder. You make your own normal. I would recommend getting a therapist. It also DOES NOT make you a bad person if you have to put yours or your children's well being over that of your spouse.

Bipolar disorder and BPD (borderline personality disorde) are not the same. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that is treatable with medication. BPD is a personality disorder that is very difficult to treat and requires a lot of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the person amenable to treatment at all? I think one thing that distinguishes a personality disorder like OCPD or borderline personality disorder from mood disorders like OCD or bipolar disorder is that people with personality disorders almost always resist treatment.

+1000

Also, if they are open to treatment, it's imperative to find a therapist who is adept at treating these disorders. Not all of them are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do, and it’s hard to be married to me, but not that hard. People act like it’s all doom and gloom but I see people on here complain of spouses who are just kind of emotionally absent or inconsiderate or have weird ideas about sharing responsibilities and I think those people would be harder to be married to than me. I want more than anything to have a good marriage and be a good mom so I work hard at it and my episodes of depression or mania or anxiety aren’t easy but DH and I still have a good relationship.

Bless you. Keep doing your best

[Anonymous]

Coworker's son is full on paranoid schizophrenic. I believe co worker is also high functioning but mentally unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both have very close friends with bipolar. I have been friends with her for 24 years (middle school) and DH has been friends with him for 11 years.

We are able to still be good friends with them, but it takes patience and understanding. Our friends can withdraw for months at a time. they can put themselves in bad financial situations because of constantly moving jobs. They can get mad at us for reasons we don't understand. It isn't always the easiest friendship to have and there is def. more work on my part to keep it going (its normal for her to retreat and then feel bad about reaching out afterwards).

That said, she was the 2nd person I called when my dad died (DH was first) and one of the few people that I feel like I can be completely vulnerable with. she has trusted me with a lot of her mental health load, and in return, i trust her with mine.

DH's friend's BPD can be a bit harder to work with, as his mania is high and his lows are low. But DH is understanding that the disorder is not who his friend is and he's patient.

Things won't be normal. They just aren't with someone with a personality disorder. You make your own normal. I would recommend getting a therapist. It also DOES NOT make you a bad person if you have to put yours or your children's well being over that of your spouse.

Bipolar disorder and BPD (borderline personality disorde) are not the same. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that is treatable with medication. BPD is a personality disorder that is very difficult to treat and requires a lot of therapy.

While this is true, in many real world cases the line between the two is extremely fuzzy. And in our case the diagnosis changed from one to the other after years of unsuccessful treatment. More importantly given the context of this thread—impact on spouses, families and friends—the precise categorization is a bit beside the point. Both conditions are almost certain to have a massive detrimental impact on loved ones. Especially children.

[Anonymous]

My brother has DID. I think our relationship has improved slightly over the years, but there was so much trauma for everyone involved before he actually got the diagnosis that it burnt a lot of bridges. I do feel for him and I think educating myself about the disorder helped me heal a lot. I do not know how his wife deals with it, because I would not be able to. I’ve seen him disassociate in real time and take on his alters. I think I’ve learned his triggers and learned when to back off or walk away before things escalate. It’s been especially difficult for my parents who, due to their generational views, have a hard time understanding his diagnosis and feel they somehow are responsible for it. Anyway, I think you can still maintain a “normal” relationship. How were things beige the diagnosis? My opinion is that having a diagnosis may actually help improve your relationship as you are better able to understand his disorder and work with it.