Reply to Do you know someone with a personality disorder?

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[quote=Anonymous]Yes. I dated a guy I later learned had bipolar disorder. One of the major issues was that he was deeply fearful/paranoid of people at work finding out he had it, but he also regularly went off his medication because he didn't like it (I learned all this after the fact). He did some really terrible things to me when we broke up, and I finally sat down with him to talk to him about it. I wouldn't do that now -- I was young and wanted resolution and though talking to him would help. Anyway, that's when he told me about his BPD, his issues with medication, the lengths he'd gone to to hide it from others, and even about several intense manic episodes he had where he lost time (largely due to drug use) and woke up in other cities, and once in a mental health facility in a hospital.

It was actually really frustrating to get this unloaded on me because while it may have explained his behavior, it also made me feel bad for him (which I think was at the point). The longer I've gotten from this event, the more I recognize that he had likely done this on purpose (or at least instinctively) because he knew he'd done some really terrible things to me and it was his way of preemptively excusing that behavior without having to actually be accountable or apologize.

Interestingly, this happened to me again some years later. I'd wound up in an abusive relationship with a work mentor who crossed a serious line with me. Once again, I sat down with her to discuss it (this is like, a thing with me) and once again she preempted the conversation by discussing something else. Though in her case, she didn't tell me about having BPD, but about losing her mother at a young age and the emotional impact of that event. But the end result is the same -- it's a way of excusing behavior, avoiding accountability, deflecting criticism. Once I saw the parallel, I wondered if she had a PD as well. Though based on her behavior I would not have guessed BPD (I didn't really notice any mania with her). I do think she has a high degree of narcissism, but NPD is so rare, especially in women, that I'm reluctant to guess it's that.

The point of all this is to say that I think there are some people, whether diagnosed or not, whose mental health issues can cause real damage to other people, and I think the best thing to do in these situations is to set your boundaries and hold them. I have a history of depression and anxiety and have a lot of empathy for people who struggle with mental health. But I do think that once it has reached a point where you are harming others, we should be talking less about stigma and more about how to minimize harm. [/quote]

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