How to support adopted sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks so it sounds like she has a job in West Virginia? Where is she living? Hopefully somewhere decent? Maybe she will get her feet on the ground in West Virginia and stay there. It’s a low cost of living. That’s fine. Do you have codependent tendencies? I’m not sure why you see the need to financially support her. She’s 20. She’s an adult.

I guess I have some co-dependencies, but it’s hard not to when one sibling was homeless and the other is in this current situation. If I can prevent them from being homeless, and entering dangerous situations I will try.

She’s living with a friend who she just announced she’ll be marrying Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. You are her bio sibling? She was adopted into a different family than the one you were raised in and her older adoptive parents died? Apparently you are much older and there is at least one other sibling. What were your ties to these older parents? Were they your parents?

They took me in under guardianship from 11 ys old onward, I’m only 26. So not that much older. They didn’t adopt me, so they weren’t my parents but I lived with them for 10 ys, I’m not sure why this is needed. But yes I’m bio-sibling.

The other sibling died, which is who I think you were referring to.

[Anonymous]

Update** she’s marrying the friend she moved to West Virginia with, I know people make mistakes when their young sometimes, or maybe she’s just in love. But I think she’s getting taken advantage of with this marriage proposal. I just hate to see this happen, and maybe I am co-dependent, but I think most sibling groups are in foster care at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whose sibling is this? You said she’s an only child and don’t seem to know much, so not your sibling?
What does adoption have to do with any of it, if she’s now 20?
Very confusing post, OP.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

NP: It’s hard to know what your sister might need the most, or when she might need it. It sounds like you want to be both a caring sibling and to make sure that your sister has a safety net, should she need one. Maybe think about what you’re willing to provide and save up enough money to give her options re: rent and such should she need it. You don’t have to tell her that you’re doing this. If you’re talking with her regularly, then you’ll know that you’re prepared to offer her different kinds of support, including financial help in the event that she needs it at some point.

OP, you sound like a very caring, good person.

[Anonymous]

It kind of sounds like you don't know much about her.

She's marrying someone. (who are you to judge that?)
She has a job
At this point, she does not want to go to college. That could change.

I get it, you're worried about her. But you need to step back and reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: It’s hard to know what your sister might need the most, or when she might need it. It sounds like you want to be both a caring sibling and to make sure that your sister has a safety net, should she need one. Maybe think about what you’re willing to provide and save up enough money to give her options re: rent and such should she need it. You don’t have to tell her that you’re doing this. If you’re talking with her regularly, then you’ll know that you’re prepared to offer her different kinds of support, including financial help in the event that she needs it at some point.

OP, you sound like a very caring, good person.

I don't think she sounds like a caring and good person. She kind of sounds like someone who has a savior complex. She's making a lot of assumptions about her sister based on nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like you don't know much about her.

She's marrying someone. (who are you to judge that?)
She has a job
At this point, she does not want to go to college. That could change.

I get it, you're worried about her. But you need to step back and reevaluate.

I know this person a little. She’s 26 years old*, with 2 kids who she doesn’t have custody of. This women moved into the adoptive moms house 1- 2 years ago from Miami, when the dementia started. She seemed very nice, both act a lot younger then their age but theirs been a history of my sisters girlfriends lying about their age and I’m %100 sure she is too. If this women was actually 25-26 I honestly wouldn’t care as much.

I’m worried because the reaction was set off by her thinking she had to move out of her home when she didn’t have to. That makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her what she needs.

If money is an option, explain that you can only give so much or once, whatever. Help her think through the best ways to use it.

She has been through a lot (being adopted out when you were kept),the loss of both adoptive parents, and she is very young. Mostly, make her feel like she still has family who loves her and will be there. Support her plan, even if you don't understand it, unless it is downright destructive.

Perhaps she needs to prove that she can survive on her own right now. Keep ties open please.

Being adopted out is for the baby's best interest. No need to feel sorry for anyone anyone for that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: It’s hard to know what your sister might need the most, or when she might need it. It sounds like you want to be both a caring sibling and to make sure that your sister has a safety net, should she need one. Maybe think about what you’re willing to provide and save up enough money to give her options re: rent and such should she need it. You don’t have to tell her that you’re doing this. If you’re talking with her regularly, then you’ll know that you’re prepared to offer her different kinds of support, including financial help in the event that she needs it at some point.

OP, you sound like a very caring, good person.

Thanks, this is great advice. I’m hoping she’ll be fine, she loves her partner SO MUCH, but she’s made some very quick decisions because of it that has left her stranded recently(partner was in the hospital she she tried picking her up in a Lyft, no money). But I’m sure she’ll learn quickly moving out and for that I’m excited for her, but I don’t want her to feel she’s being pushed out of her home which is what she told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her what she needs.

If money is an option, explain that you can only give so much or once, whatever. Help her think through the best ways to use it.

She has been through a lot (being adopted out when you were kept),the loss of both adoptive parents, and she is very young. Mostly, make her feel like she still has family who loves her and will be there. Support her plan, even if you don't understand it, unless it is downright destructive.

Perhaps she needs to prove that she can survive on her own right now. Keep ties open please.

Being adopted out is for the baby's best interest. No need to feel sorry for anyone anyone for that

Not always, her adoption was a private adoption, no agency. Her mom, knew my mom when she lost her son, and my mom happened to be pregnant with a baby she wasn’t too excited for. . So they met with a lawyer and made it happened.The sole interest in this adoption were the adults unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

This post doesn't make sense. If she was legally adopted, she's the heir. Why is this nice making all these decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post doesn't make sense. If she was legally adopted, she's the heir. Why is this nice making all these decisions?

It’s the grand-daughter of her late son, not niece. My sister is not mentally capable to make these decisions (putting mom in nursing home, financial, etc.) So her granddaughter (a lot older than both of us) has been appointed POA, somehow I’m not really sure how that works tbh.

I assume she’s still the heir and can’t be told to leave, but I’m not sure how much granddaughter can change as an POA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her what she needs.

If money is an option, explain that you can only give so much or once, whatever. Help her think through the best ways to use it.

She has been through a lot (being adopted out when you were kept),the loss of both adoptive parents, and she is very young. Mostly, make her feel like she still has family who loves her and will be there. Support her plan, even if you don't understand it, unless it is downright destructive.

Perhaps she needs to prove that she can survive on her own right now. Keep ties open please.

Being adopted out is for the baby's best interest. No need to feel sorry for anyone anyone for that

Not always, her adoption was a private adoption, no agency. Her mom, knew my mom when she lost her son, and my mom happened to be pregnant with a baby she wasn’t too excited for. . So they met with a lawyer and made it happened.The sole interest in this adoption were the adults unfortunately.

Not true
Even private adoptions have to pass a home study, health checks, criminal background checks, have references

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are sibling, not parent.
When children are adopted they are placed in a better home. Even private adoptions require a home study. There is something off about your post

Please. Not all adopted homes are “better”. She was a teen with elderly parents and a caretaker to a mom with dementia while in HIGH SCHOOl. That’s not necessary better than her bio family or another family. And now she has a grown niece screwing her out of her home and likely inheritance.

Good for you OP for looking out for your sister. I lost two sisters to adoption and would do a LOT for them. As much as the brothers I grew up with. They are my sisters, full stop.