Parenting genders differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend who mentioned this have kids? I cannot imagine remembering something like this nor mentioning something like this about a friend's children.

I can’t remember what my own kid wore yesterday, never mind what someone else’s kid wore 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Drop her like a hot potato. Too many people that deep into performativeness would love to get their hands on something that can be plastered over social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- she actually gave several examples but that was the most concrete. Others were much more nuanced and context specific... but had to do with behavior and expectations for independence.

I do think that with all we are learning about gender and identity it is good to explore within ourselves. I also think that some people are getting lost in the weeds of wokeness and losing sight of the individual child in front of them.

My friend is a dear dear friend so it truly wasn’t an offensive comment. We have conversations like this often and she is so good at wording her comments in a way that genuinely doesn’t make me feel offended or defensive. It was a very open dialogue. For what it is worth, she has several children (twins included) and they are all the same gender.

I agree with those who find your friend's behavior performative. Has she always kept score like this? I cannot imagine squirreling away examples of ways a dear friend of mine could improve her parenting that I could proactively raise, unless something was seriously wrong.

Birth order totally makes a difference in the amount of experience you have for that age; and frankly, the amount of time you have to sweat some of the small stuff. Well, I guess except for your friend who apparently has lots of time to make you her woke renovation project.

Related (and your friend may take exception with this): For the most part, girls clothes have a greater range of options for a variety of taste (setting aside the glitter cesspool that is Halloween). I wish that there were more boy clothes options that didn't overwhelmingly fall into the categories of ice cream man, sports for sports sake, or just super loud.

[Anonymous]

I agree this sounds more like birth order than gender. Also perhaps because of fender your son doesn't care what he wears. My oldest turned 5 it was a big show. My youngest will turn 5 soon and I haven't given it a thought. Same fenders.

[Anonymous]

Clearly you are treating your kids differently based on their gender. Most of the time it will be inappropriate sometimes it will be appropriate.

You won't be able to stop yourself 100% so don't try to, just be aware of it and how it affects the outcome/your relationship with them.

Adjust when you notice it and think the outcome is not what you hope for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend who mentioned this have kids? I cannot imagine remembering something like this nor mentioning something like this about a friend's children.

I can’t remember what my own kid wore yesterday, never mind what someone else’s kid wore 4 years ago.

Op clearly remembers what her daughter wore 4 year ago, that is odd too.

[Anonymous]

Too ofteI'm not sure if it has to do with gender based on the one example, it may be favorirism. It's good you are reflecting on this.Too often parents roll their eyes and make excuses for poor behavior by blaming it on birth order. I wish my parents friends had spoken honestly with them like this, some of them were very aware of how my parents played favorites but said nothing at the time.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's hard to say what this is based on your example, but I too am leaning towards favoritism.

[Anonymous]

And that favoritism could be based on gender for example my mom prefers girls, she was quite distant with my brother and acts the same way towards her grandsons. She actually told us she didn't want any more grandson s only granddaughters for her. She's also a narcissist do there's tons of issues there. It's good you're exploring this.

[Anonymous]

Your friend really watches your parenting closely doesn’t she? With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Why are you friends with someone who is so judgmental?

Listen, you are your children’s parent. It is literally up to you what you think is best for them.

Like it or not, girls and boys are actually different. And so is each individual child. I trust you as the parent know your children better than your friend does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend really watches your parenting closely doesn’t she? With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Why are you friends with someone who is so judgmental?

Listen, you are your children’s parent. It is literally up to you what you think is best for them.

Like it or not, girls and boys are actually different. And so is each individual child. I trust you as the parent know your children better than your friend does.

This is so simplistic. Using this logic there's apparently nothing a parent can do wrong. This one needed to be beat with a belt with nails on the end, how dare you question me, I know my children!!

Several people have asked OP whether the reason for the disparity is because her daughter cared more about clothes and her son doesn't care, or whether she was the driver behind going all out for her DD's clothes, and she has not responded. The assumption that it must be for a nongendered reason, even though none has been provided, and that OP's friend who actually knows her knows less about the situation than you, a person who has invented exculpatory details in her head, feels extremely defensive.

OP there's nothing wrong with giving some thought to this and making sure you're comfortable with your choices. The people insisting that nothing about your parenting choices can ever be questioned or you're a bad, childless friend who's actually a hater!!! sound like something off of 16 and Pregnant to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend really watches your parenting closely doesn’t she? With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Why are you friends with someone who is so judgmental?

Listen, you are your children’s parent. It is literally up to you what you think is best for them.

Like it or not, girls and boys are actually different. And so is each individual child. I trust you as the parent know your children better than your friend does.

This is so simplistic. Using this logic there's apparently nothing a parent can do wrong. This one needed to be beat with a belt with nails on the end, how dare you question me, I know my children!!

Several people have asked OP whether the reason for the disparity is because her daughter cared more about clothes and her son doesn't care, or whether she was the driver behind going all out for her DD's clothes, and she has not responded. The assumption that it must be for a nongendered reason, even though none has been provided, and that OP's friend who actually knows her knows less about the situation than you, a person who has invented exculpatory details in her head, feels extremely defensive.

OP there's nothing wrong with giving some thought to this and making sure you're comfortable with your choices. The people insisting that nothing about your parenting choices can ever be questioned or you're a bad, childless friend who's actually a hater!!! sound like something off of 16 and Pregnant to me.

OP here- I did not mean to avoid that. I would say that my daughter does care more about clothes so that could easily be a reason for the dress example. Like I said before, her other examples were related to behavior and expectations so not clothing related. (I am learning from reading this board that talking about clothing and gender can really fire people up!!)

The point about favoritism makes me feel very defensive because of course, no parent wants to acknowledge any favoritism. I would say that if anything, I baby my son and I have a harder time setting clear boundaries/restrictions with him. But I will continue think about that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend really watches your parenting closely doesn’t she? With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Why are you friends with someone who is so judgmental?

Listen, you are your children’s parent. It is literally up to you what you think is best for them.

Like it or not, girls and boys are actually different. And so is each individual child. I trust you as the parent know your children better than your friend does.

This is so simplistic. Using this logic there's apparently nothing a parent can do wrong. This one needed to be beat with a belt with nails on the end, how dare you question me, I know my children!!

Several people have asked OP whether the reason for the disparity is because her daughter cared more about clothes and her son doesn't care, or whether she was the driver behind going all out for her DD's clothes, and she has not responded. The assumption that it must be for a nongendered reason, even though none has been provided, and that OP's friend who actually knows her knows less about the situation than you, a person who has invented exculpatory details in her head, feels extremely defensive.

OP there's nothing wrong with giving some thought to this and making sure you're comfortable with your choices. The people insisting that nothing about your parenting choices can ever be questioned or you're a bad, childless friend who's actually a hater!!! sound like something off of 16 and Pregnant to me.

OP here- I did not mean to avoid that. I would say that my daughter does care more about clothes so that could easily be a reason for the dress example. Like I said before, her other examples were related to behavior and expectations so not clothing related. (I am learning from reading this board that talking about clothing and gender can really fire people up!!)

The point about favoritism makes me feel very defensive because of course, no parent wants to acknowledge any favoritism. I would say that if anything, I baby my son and I have a harder time setting clear boundaries/restrictions with him. But I will continue think about that too.

Very often mother's will coddle their sons and put their daughters into a mini adult role. It's good you are considering this OP much better to correct course now if you need to than come to regret in the future or worse have your children resent you for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an older boy (5) and a younger girl (2). I care about what both wear, but I would say I spend 5x money on older boy's clothing because I need to dress him clean to daycare. My younger girl wears a lot of hand-me-down from her brother, and I think she looks cute in boy's print clothing with pigtails. And, I give her a little bit accessories here & there. She does not seem to care what she wears, and she loves them all. To her, they are all new.

I have a ton of pictures of first child, and a few for second child. The main reason is because I cannot take picture with 2 kids running around, and they wear pajamas all the time during this pandemic.

I have the same, boy (6) and girl (2). She wears hand-me-downs, sometimes with a girlie accessory.