Parenting genders differently?

[Anonymous]

A close friend called me out recently for some double-standards I apply to my children that she views to be tied to the fact that they are two different genders. I actually think it has more to do with birth order but definitely see her point and want to be thoughtful about it. Do you notice any differences in your parenting?

Her example is that for my older daughters 5th birthday, I purchased a nice dress with a matching bow and I put quite a bit of thought/planning into what she wore. Flash forward 4 years and my son is turning 5. My friend asked what he was going to wear and I shrugged and said “haven’t given it a thought! Hopefully something clean. Ha!”.

[Anonymous]

Because your son doesn't care how he looks and your daughter does, perhaps?

Just keep gender equality in the back of your mind, but don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right to put thought into it, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily true. Does DD care about dresses? (Mine does, all of a sudden, to my surprise.) Or did you want her to look perfect for the pictures and the dress was for you? Does DS like picking out his clothes, or he couldn't care less?

I will say, as a second child myself, that even if you find the difference is based on birth order, try to be thoughtful about that as well. There are like 3 pictures of me before the age of 18, and a million of my sister. I get it as a parent myself, but it still kind of sucks. If you didn't care what DS was wearing because you just don't put effort into birthdays anymore because you used it all up on DD: try to buck that trend.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, with friends like this who needs enemies. As if parents are not bombarded enough with messages of their inadequacy from every media, now our friends are calling us out too for insufficient performance?

[Anonymous]

I have an older boy (5) and a younger girl (2). I care about what both wear, but I would say I spend 5x money on older boy's clothing because I need to dress him clean to daycare. My younger girl wears a lot of hand-me-down from her brother, and I think she looks cute in boy's print clothing with pigtails. And, I give her a little bit accessories here & there. She does not seem to care what she wears, and she loves them all. To her, they are all new.

I have a ton of pictures of first child, and a few for second child. The main reason is because I cannot take picture with 2 kids running around, and they wear pajamas all the time during this pandemic.

[Anonymous]

I think you should parent based on your child. And if gender stereotypes match sometimes, well, so be it.

If your daughter loves dresses and dressing up, then awesome job making her birthday special with a cute dress! If you had to shove her into it kicking and screaming, then maybe that's on you for pushing a stereotype.

Similarly, how would your son feel about being put into nice khakis and a button down for his 5th birthday? If he would love it, go for it! If not, then don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, with friends like this who needs enemies. As if parents are not bombarded enough with messages of their inadequacy from every media, now our friends are calling us out too for insufficient performance?

+1. Why in the world would your "friend" remember this four years later, let alone point it out to you?

Even if it's true, so what?

First kids always get the bigger bash; it's part of both the privilege and the burden of being the oldest. Girls always get more attention to their hair and dress; they care more and you probably do too. So what?

Please don't overthink this OP. You're in danger of turning into a Gender Police Nut yourself. And that will not benefit your kids in any way.

[Anonymous]

Now you are aware of it so that’s good. Doesn’t sound like a glaring gender issue tho imo. I have an 8yo DD who enjoys everything marketed towards boys. Longer shorts, camo, short hair, nothing pink/purple etc.... she knows she’s a girl and identifies as such. She took dance and ballet at 3 but now does martial arts and climbs trees. I have to be careful not to gender things and let her be who she is. It’s harder with my Mom who is in her 70s she has 2 grand daughters and 2 grandsons and will frequently buy the girls a girly gift and the boys a boy gift.... I’ve tried telling her my kid would prefer what she gets the boys but it goes nowhere.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter doesn't care about what she wears, then your friend might have a point. My kids are older and I didn't find much difference when they were young. But I am struggling with the amount of freedom to give my daughter (the youngest of three) when it comes to going out alone places. For example, at 14, I let my boys take the buses everywhere alone, but my daughter is almost 14 and I am not ready to let go there yet. I think the Asian violence contributes to my current fear, but it's not all of it.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys 8 and 5. The 8 year old could go Einstein-style with the same outfit daily and never give it another thought. (including its cleanliness). The younger one will make specific requests for clothing brands and styles and will change midday if he feels his mood calls for it. I find myself asking the 5 year old more clothing option questions than his brother.

[Anonymous]

Does the friend who mentioned this have kids? I cannot imagine remembering something like this nor mentioning something like this about a friend's children.

[Anonymous]

Your friend can sod off.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your friend is right. It's good that you're thinking about it. I'd start with the example you gave. Put a little more thought into how your son dresses. Make an honest effort to decrease your emphasis on your daughter looks. And keep an eye out for other things where you might be doing this.

[Anonymous]

OP here- she actually gave several examples but that was the most concrete. Others were much more nuanced and context specific... but had to do with behavior and expectations for independence.

I do think that with all we are learning about gender and identity it is good to explore within ourselves. I also think that some people are getting lost in the weeds of wokeness and losing sight of the individual child in front of them.

My friend is a dear dear friend so it truly wasn’t an offensive comment. We have conversations like this often and she is so good at wording her comments in a way that genuinely doesn’t make me feel offended or defensive. It was a very open dialogue. For what it is worth, she has several children (twins included) and they are all the same gender.

[Anonymous]

Does your friend have kids of both genders? I have a son and a daughter and they are indeed really different.