Bar Mitzvah of Best Friend’s Son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to generalize an appropriate dollar amount. It all depends on how much money you have and how much they have. If neither have much, $100 could be over the top, if you are both very rich, $1,000 could be insulting.

Our HHI is about $1mil (I work) theirs is about $500/600 (wife SAH). To the person who asked, do Jews have godparents? If they do he would be but he is not to my knowledge, but it is that level of relationship. They were each each other’s best man, etc.

Jews do not have godparents. I wouldn’t do more than $540 cash. If you feel like you need to do more than that I’d think about adding a gift rather than more cash - it just gets unseemly in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I have recently thrown two mitzvahs, one more to go. Neither of my children have received anything close to that amount. I think $250 from great-aunts was the most, and those were from women in their 70s who were grandparents.

If either of my children had received a check in the amounts you're talking about, I would have returned it. It's highly inappropriate.

Yes, after they lead the service they are seen as adults in the temple, which means they can be part of a minion. It does not mean you are setting them up as an adult. I have no idea where you got that from, but clearly their family can take care of them.

I grew up in a tony suburb of NYC, and I'm now doing the same with my family outside of DC - we have money. And the amounts you are talking about are way out of line of the range of normal

[Anonymous]

I agree that 540 is extremely generous while still in the range of acceptable from an extremely close person who has the money. . $1000 is way too much and I'd never be able to accept that.

I give $180 to very close friends (my income is...far less than a million). My kids are still younger but friends have said it ranges from about $36 to $250.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too much. Could you do $500 (or a multiple of 18) and a nice gift? You could even ask the parents: "We want to get something memorable for child x. Is there something you think he'd really like?"

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have recently thrown two mitzvahs, one more to go. Neither of my children have received anything close to that amount. I think $250 from great-aunts was the most, and those were from women in their 70s who were grandparents.

If either of my children had received a check in the amounts you're talking about, I would have returned it. It's highly inappropriate.

Yes, after they lead the service they are seen as adults in the temple, which means they can be part of a minion. It does not mean you are setting them up as an adult. I have no idea where you got that from, but clearly their family can take care of them.

I grew up in a tony suburb of NYC, and I'm now doing the same with my family outside of DC - we have money. And the amounts you are talking about are way out of line of the range of normal

Agree. Inappropriately too much money! Also, grew up in a ritzy NY suburb.

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of an amount that high. I agree that a gift that he will remember would be nice in addition to a smaller check.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what the protocol is now but when I was growing up my parents had super close friends like that. Three of us (me, another girl and a boy had B’nai Mitzvahs within a year of each other). The other girl and I each got a very special piece of jewelry. The boy wanted stereo components (this was a long time ago). I still have the necklace and think of the people who bought it for me (it is too small for me but my dd wears it occasionally).

[Anonymous]

Fancy Long Island and NJ I say $50 mom Jewish kids who are class mates by themselves.
Invited non Jew neighbors and Friends invited as a family around $1,000. Close Jewish family and business associates $5,000.

Last one I went to on Long Island was 7 years ago and cost around $40,000. I have seem really over the top ones costing up to $500 a person.

The one I went to as family was a Bat Mitz and was a weekend thing. They even had a limo bus for the girls to see Wicked on Broadway with dinner as part of 13 bday party celebration.

Big question is it in person and what is cost. And buy a new outfit don’t show up in last years styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going? If so, $500 is what we typically give.

If you aren’t going, $100 is generous.

No, no it’s not. Saddle River is an extremely wealthy town in NJ. I’m from there. Since you are from here, you can get away with $1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50@18 is $900 sounds great!

This seems like a good idea!

Do this. Nice and round. NY/NJ is an entirely different world with life events. For baby showers they don’t spend less than $200 on a gift.

[Anonymous]

I grew up on Great Neck Long Island and they were over the top back then. We had 500 person ones in Leonard’s of Great Neck.

I know two class mates who bought coops and condos in Manhattan for cash with bat mitz or bar bitz money.

When I was wedding hall shopping in 1997 I toured a popular bar mitz place charging $120 a plate. Easily with band, DJ, limos, flowers that is $200 a person almost $25 years ago.

The video guy was $5,000 at one I went to. He even had girls favorite musician do a five minute video into to her. I think the take home gift bags had around $100 in stuff in them.

Some even include a jet to take kids on an island trip.

My brother went to a super super fancy one and it cost $100,000 in 2003.

Amazing in NJ and LI they try to top each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up on Great Neck Long Island and they were over the top back then. We had 500 person ones in Leonard’s of Great Neck.

I know two class mates who bought coops and condos in Manhattan for cash with bat mitz or bar bitz money.

When I was wedding hall shopping in 1997 I toured a popular bar mitz place charging $120 a plate. Easily with band, DJ, limos, flowers that is $200 a person almost $25 years ago.

The video guy was $5,000 at one I went to. He even had girls favorite musician do a five minute video into to her. I think the take home gift bags had around $100 in stuff in them.

Some even include a jet to take kids on an island trip.

My brother went to a super super fancy one and it cost $100,000 in 2003.

Amazing in NJ and LI they try to top each other.

Leonard's! Pink sparkle exterior and a giant chandelier! The epitome of class in 1990!

[Anonymous]

If you want to give so much, why not give half to the kid and donate half to support whatever his bar mitzvah project is? Or give it all in a savings bing or another responsible way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s best friend in the world who is like a brother to him- his son is getting Bar Mitzvah’d. They are in the Saddle River area of NJ. For the Jewish readers, how much do you think we should give? It’s the BFF’s only son and first born. I feel like $1k? $1.5k? Is that too much? Too little! Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!!

I’m not a Jew

Participation on this thread isn’t required, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to give so much, why not give half to the kid and donate half to support whatever his bar mitzvah project is? Or give it all in a savings bing or another responsible way.

My sons most remembered gift was a special backpacking tent that he still uses as an adult. I try to always give a real gift to kids I know well (unless I knew that $$ was really needed). I like the idea of the donation too.