Do you think most spouses are intellectually matched

[Anonymous]

Dh and I are both very smart, but not the same smarts. He has a PhD in engineering and has a very mechanical mind. But I’m an avid reader, museum visitor, love art, travel the world and am a much better writer. We challenge each other and teach each other so much. It’s been 15 years and we still have interesting conversations all the time. No one on earth I’d rather spend a dinner with

[Anonymous]

DH and I are equally matched, intellectually, but have different strengths. He’s much better at coding and stats than I am, while I’m a strong writer and a faster reader than he is. As a result, he’s a marketing exec, while I’m an analyst who reads and writes for a living.

We end up challenging each other, so it’s great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband doesn't care that I far exceed him intellectually. He's smart too, but definitely not on the same level. I think people with common beliefs, sexual attraction, and family backgrounds are more the way of finding compatibility than intellect.

Does he agree that you "far exceed him intellectually?"

Yes! I have a pretty incredible list of accomplishments, patents, degrees and am worldwide expert in what I do. I don't expect my husband to have all that too.

[Anonymous]

I think I’m not that smart but my husband is exceptionally smart and seems to think I’m smart too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married young and didn't realize my H who was five years older than me was as intellectually challenged (and closed minded) as he was. He was basically a good person and smart enough but in retrospect I would have probably enjoyed marriage more to a guy who actually liked to read a book occasionally. Stayed more or less happily married to him for 25 years though.

Are you still married? I know of two women in my family who are the primary breadwinners and are more intelligent than their loser partners.

No, and I was never the primary breadwinner, he was a very good provider and agreed that I should stay home with our kids until they were in school which was a pretty big deal for me. I actually don't regret marrying him at all but we were not intellectually matched.

[Anonymous]

DH firmly believes I am smarter than he is, and he's probably not wrong per se, but...

-A lot of this comes from outward markers, like standardized test scores, which are dubious IMO. It's true that these things are generally biased against women-- of which I am one-- but also against POC-- which he is and I am not.

-To the extent I am smarter in terms of what IQ "should" measure, there's no way we are more than one standard deviation apart. I love to talk talk talk and I say I would never be with someone who couldn't keep up with me-- and he absolutely can. He's awesome. (Relatedly, I don't think we are really "smart at different things"-- at least not in the ways PPs describe. We are both intuitive, quick to make connections, good writers, etc.)

-We are "smart at different things" more broadly-- his social intelligence and his kinesthetic intelligence is off the charts, whereas mine are middling at best. He is also a brilliant musical and performing talent, where I am maybe just above average. So we do also compliment each other.

But mainly, I think the mere fact I am with him proves he is more or less as "smart" as I am-- I truly wouldn't be able to tolerate marriage to someone who couldn't keep up with me intellectually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another “both smart, but at different things”. couple. I’ve never been attracted to anyone stupid.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another “both smart, but at different things”. couple. I’ve never been attracted to anyone stupid.

+1

+1

I know couples whose DH would seem "more" successful, out of sheer luck, but the woman happens to have more education. They compliment each other beautifully, and serve as inspiration. You never know, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think generally it’s true but not required. You’re just more likely to meet a mate at a place you frequent, be it college, or the library, or the tractor pull.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband doesn't care that I far exceed him intellectually. He's smart too, but definitely not on the same level. I think people with common beliefs, sexual attraction, and family backgrounds are more the way of finding compatibility than intellect.

Does he agree that you "far exceed him intellectually?"

Yes! I have a pretty incredible list of accomplishments, patents, degrees and am worldwide expert in what I do. I don't expect my husband to have all that too.

And I guess neither of you value being humble. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd say that about most of the couples we know and about ourselves. DH and I met in law school and have been married for nearly 30 years. We're pretty well-matched intellectually and that's an important part of our relationship. His wit and intelligence and intellectual curiosity were all as attractive to me as his adventurous nature, kindness, great smile, dancing style (a cross between cotillion and goofiness that I find totally endearing), and, the way he looked sitting down in the first row at the far right from my vantage point at the back left in our deadly dull Con Law class. I didn't know then that he would be a great dad, a rock when we faced the deaths of our parents, and always in my corner. Lucky me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys who are "smart" but choose women who can't write a complete sentence are noticeable. Women are the equivalent of blow up dolls? Eye candy means more than a real conversation? That type of guy has issues. Likely relishes the adoring lesser women who can condescend to, rather than women of equal status in any respect. Smart women are too demanding, or whatever the misogynist word is trendy. How many men do you know like this? In my circles, I only know one.

Or maybe those dumb women that you look down on (blow up dolls? you sound like the misogynist here) are kind, charitable, funny, and hard working. Intelligence isn't the most important trait by a mile. My ex had a PhD from Cambridge and was a professor. He was also a massive asshole. I'm much happier with the "dumber" guy who's actually pleasant to be around.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think we are for the most part. In different ways, we complement each other.

I think it helps in a relationship, looking at my friends who have good marriages.

My best friend from college, she married a man who is a couple of rungs below her socio-economically, intellectually, and educationally. They have significant challenges in their relationship.

She was older when they got married and she went into it with her eyes wide open, but I don't think she would make the same choice again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married young and didn't realize my H who was five years older than me was as intellectually challenged (and closed minded) as he was. He was basically a good person and smart enough but in retrospect I would have probably enjoyed marriage more to a guy who actually liked to read a book occasionally. Stayed more or less happily married to him for 25 years though.

Are you still married? I know of two women in my family who are the primary breadwinners and are more intelligent than their loser partners.

You can be of average intelligence or lower and not be a loser, FFS

[Anonymous]

"Blow up doll" refers to what a man prizes if he values looks and ease alone. If that is what a man views what women in relationships are for, that is misogynist. Women who position themselves in the dating market in these ways are also active participants in a misogynist culture. Pointing that out doesn't make one misogynist. It makes you a critic. An intelligent critic.