My DS came out this weekend - he's 9

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does pulling away from the other boys in the class have to do with him being gay? It’s kinda exactly the opposite of typical young gay male behavior.

Because he is experiencing a degree of identity confusion and for the moment feels more comfortable with girls. The boys have noticed his differences. I would guess that many of them don't care but he has been called gay at school by one or two.

The six-stage Cass Model of development is a very interesting read. While it may not be 100% on point today because there is more acceptance toward homosexuals, there are elements there that would still hold true. I would think that questioning your identity would continue to be one of them.

Jesus, who is raising these kids?

OP sounds like you're doing a great job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not judging, I am a gay mom to an 8yo. She dresses in” boy” clothing and plays with what is typically boy toys. But I’m kind of blown away that at 9 there is sexual attraction happening ? How do they know at 9 what sex they’re attracted too? At 9 I was climbing trees and riding my bike and had no feelings whatsoever to one sec or the other.

You’re “blown away?” Crushes are not uncommon at that age. I had a long-standing crush starting at age 8. I still rode bikes and climbed trees, since these are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

There are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about gay kids, because there are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about romantic relationships, period. However, there are a lot of books for 9-year-olds that feature gay adults - parents, aunts/uncles, teachers - playing important roles. Try The Family Fletcher series by Dana Alison Levy or The Lotterys series by Emma Donoghue. You can also take a peek at this list and see if there’s anything that might appeal to him. If not this year, maybe in the next year or two.

https://lgbtqreads.com/middle-grade/?amp

[Anonymous]

OP here. To address the sexual attraction issue (and maybe someone from the LGBQ community can help me on this), I don't think this has much to do with actual sexual attraction because he's pre-puberty. I have read, anecdotally I suppose, that gay men - I'm going to mention men here just because DS is a boy - often know when they are quite young. I think sexual orientation is broader than just plain sexuality. And because of the media generally, they can put a name to it younger than previous generations.

I think with some people, they knew something was up when they were younger than the average age of 13. Maybe they didn't know what or what to do about it. Now, it's more likely that they have a sense of what's going on. Remember, the average age used to be much much older than 13 for coming out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not judging, I am a gay mom to an 8yo. She dresses in” boy” clothing and plays with what is typically boy toys. But I’m kind of blown away that at 9 there is sexual attraction happening ? How do they know at 9 what sex they’re attracted too? At 9 I was climbing trees and riding my bike and had no feelings whatsoever to one sec or the other.

I had crushes at an even earlier age and absolutely knew I liked boys (I’m female). All kids are different.

My first crush was also in kindergarten. I still remember my first kindergarten blushing and butterflies in stomach ‘crush’ feeling when I would see him at the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To address the sexual attraction issue (and maybe someone from the LGBQ community can help me on this), I don't think this has much to do with actual sexual attraction because he's pre-puberty. I have read, anecdotally I suppose, that gay men - I'm going to mention men here just because DS is a boy - often know when they are quite young. I think sexual orientation is broader than just plain sexuality. And because of the media generally, they can put a name to it younger than previous generations.

I think with some people, they knew something was up when they were younger than the average age of 13. Maybe they didn't know what or what to do about it. Now, it's more likely that they have a sense of what's going on. Remember, the average age used to be much much older than 13 for coming out.

I agree with all of this. However, it is also important to note that kids are pressured to pit a label on their sexuality. I am female and I had crushes on boys as early as 2nd grade. At the same time, I was completely enamored by beautiful women. It wasn’t sexual attraction- more about wanting to look/dress/act like them. If I was 9 right now, I would probably label myself bisexual based on that. DS says that he has been gay since kindergarten because he had a dream about a boy. Kids need more time and space to figure out their sexuality without the labels.

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing great, OP (gay adult here). Just keep telling him you love him, and you'll look forward to meeting the people he falls in love with as he gets older--normalize the idea that there isn't a "one" but that by dating and loving different people you learn a lot and have good experiences. That's a lesson that would serve anyone well.

Introduce him to all kinds of teens and adults so he has plenty of role models, and support his interests. He'll be just fine and so will you! You sound like a wonderful parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about gay kids, because there are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about romantic relationships, period. However, there are a lot of books for 9-year-olds that feature gay adults - parents, aunts/uncles, teachers - playing important roles. Try The Family Fletcher series by Dana Alison Levy or The Lotterys series by Emma Donoghue. You can also take a peek at this list and see if there’s anything that might appeal to him. If not this year, maybe in the next year or two.

https://lgbtqreads.com/middle-grade/?amp

Thanks. Books like the The Family Fletcher are exactly what I'm looking for. Stories where nurturing gay adults (or kids, doesn't matter) are present but their relationships aren't the focus of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about gay kids, because there are not a lot of books for 9-year-olds about romantic relationships, period. However, there are a lot of books for 9-year-olds that feature gay adults - parents, aunts/uncles, teachers - playing important roles. Try The Family Fletcher series by Dana Alison Levy or The Lotterys series by Emma Donoghue. You can also take a peek at this list and see if there’s anything that might appeal to him. If not this year, maybe in the next year or two.

https://lgbtqreads.com/middle-grade/?amp

Thanks. Books like the The Family Fletcher are exactly what I'm looking for. Stories where nurturing gay adults (or kids, doesn't matter) are present but their relationships aren't the focus of the story.

You could also try The Best Man by Richard Peck.

[Anonymous]

My husband says that he knew he was gay by no later than age 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs therapy. 9 is early and needs help to navigate this difficult situation she he can move forward happy and supported.

OP here. I agree and we've been looking for additional support. Can anyone from the LGBTQ community (or parent of such) comment if they think the therapist needs to be specialized/experienced in LGBTQ experiences?

Dh and I slightly disagree on this point. He's okay with going forward with a child therapist to help with anxiety and emotional stress. Ideally, I'd like to find someone that also has specific experience with children coming out. That said, I'm having a hard time finding a child specialist where we live. I've emailed two local PLFAG organizations and an organization devoted to LGTBQ youth with zero response, which is a bummer.