My DS came out this weekend - he's 9

[Anonymous]

My DS told me over the weekend that he thinks he's gay. He was talking about how is plans to form a family - how many kids, dogs, etc. He kept saying "he" when talking about his spouse and then correcting himself to "she." Additional conversation ensued.

His coming out overall didn't surprise me, DH and I have been sorta waiting for it since he was in K. But, the age surprises us. We were thinking that it would happen at around middle school. We didn't expect it so young. But, I can see it. His slightly different interests are becoming more pronounced. He's starting to pull away from his male friends; or it's a kind of mutual pulling away. He's isolating himself more (we're in-person school here). He's definitely showing some anxiety.

We 100% support him no matter what and have told him so. We don't think this is fashionable or a phase, I mean he's only 9 and hasn't been exposed to any type of trendy scene that supposedly going on with the older set.

It's hard to find resources though because of his age. A lot of the resources are aimed towards teens. Any books, shows, movies are always aimed towards tweens/teens and are inappropriate for younger kids (think Glee). I think he's feels alone.

Any thoughts for the younger kids?

[Anonymous]

If there is an LGBTQ center in your area that serves teens, you might give them a call. Even centers that don't have programming for kids his age might have good suggestions for resources. PFLAG is always a resource and might be able to connect you to a subgroup for parents of kids who come out young. You might also be able to find a facebook group if you dig around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is an LGBTQ center in your area that serves teens, you might give them a call. Even centers that don't have programming for kids his age might have good suggestions for resources. PFLAG is always a resource and might be able to connect you to a subgroup for parents of kids who come out young. You might also be able to find a facebook group if you dig around.

OP this is great advice, my only caution is FB. FB has a lot of information but quite a bit of it is connected to groups that will try to change your child, ie it's a sin, etc.. My suggestion with FB is to just be aware there are not always nice people you are chatting with.

Sounds like you and your husband are awesome parents!

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to friends who are gay for advice, or PFLAG. I know you want to be supportive, but I personally would try to be low-key so he doesn't feel like you are continually harping on his identity as something different. We always told our kids that they might want to marry a boy or a girl and never made a big deal out of it. It helps that we have same-sex couples in our friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to friends who are gay for advice, or PFLAG. I know you want to be supportive, but I personally would try to be low-key so he doesn't feel like you are continually harping on his identity as something different. We always told our kids that they might want to marry a boy or a girl and never made a big deal out of it. It helps that we have same-sex couples in our friend group.

OP here. DH and I totally agree with this. I want to invisibly support him for now, until he asks/needs more. Include some shows or books in our rotation with gay characters (where the character happens to also be gay, not the focus of the plot). Casually and normally hang out with gay friends, which we would do if we hadn't moved to a different state not long before COVID and now hardly know anyone at all, much less anyone in the gay community.

[Anonymous]

What I would find comforting in this is that I definitely had pretty "serious" (ie, real) crushes on boys in my class starting in 2nd grade (I'm a woman). So, I basically knew I was "straight" from the time I was seven. So it doesn't seem odd to me that a kid would know at 9 that they are gay.

It's nice that he's not going to have to struggle with this, and he basically felt comfortably telling you right away. The truth is, if a kid is coming out at 14, that means either 1) they weren't honestly with themselves for years or 2) they weren't honest with you for years. Or I supposed 3) they were a super, super late bloomer, but that's rare.

So - yeah, it might feel early, and yeah, now you've got the stress of like finding resources and figuring out the best way to be supportive - but I think this is better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP my 9 years old at the time daughter matter-of-factly announced to me and DS12 she is a lesbian after I picked her up from school in the car a little over a year ago. Not super surprising since it runs in the family, but it was kinda like “OK, cool!” I agree with PPs to keep it low key and try not to get hung up on an identity. I am also gay and it took a much much longer time to fully come out. Good for you that your son feels comfortable sharing those things.

[Anonymous]

What does pulling away from the other boys in the class have to do with him being gay? It’s kinda exactly the opposite of typical young gay male behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does pulling away from the other boys in the class have to do with him being gay? It’s kinda exactly the opposite of typical young gay male behavior.

Because he is experiencing a degree of identity confusion and for the moment feels more comfortable with girls. The boys have noticed his differences. I would guess that many of them don't care but he has been called gay at school by one or two.

The six-stage Cass Model of development is a very interesting read. While it may not be 100% on point today because there is more acceptance toward homosexuals, there are elements there that would still hold true. I would think that questioning your identity would continue to be one of them.

[Anonymous]

He needs therapy. 9 is early and needs help to navigate this difficult situation she he can move forward happy and supported.

[Anonymous]

I am a 5th grade teacher. If you are comfortable, it would be helpful to let his teacher and school counselor know. This way, they can be sure to include books, discussions, and lessons where he feels represented.

[Anonymous]

I am not judging, I am a gay mom to an 8yo. She dresses in” boy” clothing and plays with what is typically boy toys. But I’m kind of blown away that at 9 there is sexual attraction happening ? How do they know at 9 what sex they’re attracted too? At 9 I was climbing trees and riding my bike and had no feelings whatsoever to one sec or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not judging, I am a gay mom to an 8yo. She dresses in” boy” clothing and plays with what is typically boy toys. But I’m kind of blown away that at 9 there is sexual attraction happening ? How do they know at 9 what sex they’re attracted too? At 9 I was climbing trees and riding my bike and had no feelings whatsoever to one sec or the other.

I had crushes at an even earlier age and absolutely knew I liked boys (I’m female). All kids are different.

[Anonymous]

Many many children know from a very young age which gender they’re attracted to. Some don’t. The pp above who said that at 15 kids have been lying to themselves is wrong but so is the person who said kids should be climbing trees. People are individuals.

[Anonymous]

Have Friends who are gay, talk about gay couples like you talk about straight couples - that is just like normal people. Join a faith community that affirms and celebrates gay people and has people and families in the congregation. When talking about his future you can follow his lead and if he uses male pronouns you can use male pronouns to or if not you can say “your partner” instead of your wife leaving it open for interpretation. Give him language in possibilities to imagine his future and to talk about it.