S/O Family Vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would exhaust me. It's nice of them to include you, and nice of you to participate in his family, but when it moves from "fun opportunity, no pressure if you can't make it!" to "you have to come," that's when it becomes an issue.

Op - this is the issue. It's lovely for his parents to invite me, and I like them a lot! I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or that I'm ungrateful - they are very, very generous.

But I'm kind of worried that I just...suggested...I skip one trip a year and he flipped. It wasn't meant as a dig as in, "Oh, I don't like your family and want space from them." It was meant in the sense of, I enjoy alone time at home and once I return to work in the office I'll only have a certain number of weeks. Plus there's a lot of other stuff I want to do in a year!

Yikes. OP, you should be worried. I mean, sure, it's possible that you just caught him in a bad moment, or that he's the kind of person that comes out of the gate strong but will back down if met with an equally strong response (either of which are issues in their own right but can possibly be worked with, if you don't mind dealing with it. My DH is the latter type and once I figured it out, and he figured out I had no problem telling him to cut the nonsense, we have a lot less conflict now) - but this is definitely a red flag. You can find someone else to love, seriously, who won't be such a demanding jerk and appreciates that you are an individual with your own life, needs, and wants. You are NOT a mere extension of him, but this kind of reaction seems to indicate he may think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would exhaust me. It's nice of them to include you, and nice of you to participate in his family, but when it moves from "fun opportunity, no pressure if you can't make it!" to "you have to come," that's when it becomes an issue.

Op - this is the issue. It's lovely for his parents to invite me, and I like them a lot! I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or that I'm ungrateful - they are very, very generous.

But I'm kind of worried that I just...suggested...I skip one trip a year and he flipped. It wasn't meant as a dig as in, "Oh, I don't like your family and want space from them." It was meant in the sense of, I enjoy alone time at home and once I return to work in the office I'll only have a certain number of weeks. Plus there's a lot of other stuff I want to do in a year!

Yikes. OP, you should be worried. I mean, sure, it's possible that you just caught him in a bad moment, or that he's the kind of person that comes out of the gate strong but will back down if met with an equally strong response (either of which are issues in their own right but can possibly be worked with, if you don't mind dealing with it. My DH is the latter type and once I figured it out, and he figured out I had no problem telling him to cut the nonsense, we have a lot less conflict now) - but this is definitely a red flag. You can find someone else to love, seriously, who won't be such a demanding jerk and appreciates that you are an individual with your own life, needs, and wants. You are NOT a mere extension of him, but this kind of reaction seems to indicate he may think you are.

Yeah, I think this needs to be explored further because if that's really what he thinks, that's going to be super problematic longterm. I don't mean problematic in the modern sense, either, I mean like it will actually cause problems within a marriage and parenting.

[Anonymous]

This would not fly with me. People like being invited on vacation. Forcing you to go and getting shitty if you don't makes it the opposite of what it's intended to be which is relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Is his family local? Do they expect you for dinner every Sunday and every holiday? All this togetherness seems like a lot to me. Vacations with family should be every few years.

[Anonymous]

I'd start having discussions about spending every other christmas/Thanksgiving with each other's families. Seems like he would flip out.

[Anonymous]

So you basically offered to spend one week-long vacation with his family a year and that's not enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds enmeshed. Sorry,

+1000

Run!

This. Think to the future. Will he want every thanksgiving and Christmas with his family? What about when you have a baby? His parents come “help?”

[Anonymous]

What do family vacations entail? Everyone household going to its own rental house in the same beach town? Block of hotel rooms at same resort? Dinner some nights or every night?

[Anonymous]

I really would not be okay with his response. I get that he probably likes spending time with you and wants you to go but you also need space to be your own person. And I mean that metaphorically but also literally, as in literal physical space now and again. I wouldn’t want to spend 14 days a year with my partner’s family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds enmeshed. Sorry,

+1000

Run!

+1001 that won’t get better...prepare to be subordinate for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggested --- he accused ... not wanting to be part of his family ... avoiding

You don't have to be with this guy

Op here. I know I don't, but I love him.

And I like his family, they are not really the issue. I just don't know why it was such a big deal that I suggested I skip a vacation.

If you get married, this is going to get worse. Holidays, vacation - it'll be a source of tension always. It's often an issue for couples with even where the families don't have unrealistic expectations.

And then wait till you have kids. Or want to move away from his family.

[Anonymous]

This is why you gotta marry outside your religion. DW is Jewish - her family gets Thanksgiving, Passover, High Holidays every year. My family on the West Coast gets us for Christmas and New Years. Her family plans a beach week every summer. We end up doing another summer trip to the West Coast, mix of vacation time and telecommuting.

It's awesome. No drama. No hurt feelings.

I feel bad for my friends who have to wrestle with this every year. My sister's in-laws are super demanding about the holidays (they are very Christian). It sucks.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out if your boyfriend is selfish and marriage to him means only his family and not yours.

Or was he just having a bad day and later apologized to you for overreacting and he does understand that your family is also important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would exhaust me. It's nice of them to include you, and nice of you to participate in his family, but when it moves from "fun opportunity, no pressure if you can't make it!" to "you have to come," that's when it becomes an issue.

This

[Anonymous]

I don't really go on my boyfriend's family vacations. I would be open to it, but I haven't been invited yet. My parents invited him to ours in 2019 and he couldn't make it due to work, which was fine. I think it's weird to force the issue. What if you couldn't make it due to work? Health issues? I do agree it is a kind thing to welcome your adult child's boyfriend or girlfriend like this, but if it's an unwritten expectation that can be kind of pushy.