What is your relationship with parents if they regularly gift you money?

[Anonymous]

It's so complicated and one of the biggest 'issues/themes' in my life.

I have and will get more money from them than I would ever make in my life. They got it from my dad's parents who got it from their parents.

I am not going to turn it down but it comes with strings - namely that of my dad keeping very close eye on our finances and spending. I am divorced so it has come in extremely handy for me, but it has been an issue in my sister's marriage. As he is getting older and our own kids are getting older I think he is realizing he needs to step back and turn a blind eye (and my mom encourages this) but he is who he is.

We are a close family but the money/strings is a huge dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so complicated and one of the biggest 'issues/themes' in my life.

I have and will get more money from them than I would ever make in my life. They got it from my dad's parents who got it from their parents.

I am not going to turn it down but it comes with strings - namely that of my dad keeping very close eye on our finances and spending. I am divorced so it has come in extremely handy for me, but it has been an issue in my sister's marriage. As he is getting older and our own kids are getting older I think he is realizing he needs to step back and turn a blind eye (and my mom encourages this) but he is who he is.

We are a close family but the money/strings is a huge dynamic.

It's me again - I wanted to clarify that it is not like he has any access to our bank accounts or anything like that. It's just that he raises an eyebrow with any big purchase. Also lectures us a lot about not letting money define us (we don't.) And he's very concerned that it will make our husbands not want to work.

[Anonymous]

The relationships are the same as they would be without money, IMO. My mother is more nosy/wants to know everything about spending (I sent you $1000 did you buy granddaughter _____ yet??) my father trusts our judgement and writes large checks for things like down payments and home remodeling (not needed but of course welcome), but I believe that is defined by their personalities not the fact that they give us large sums of money.

[Anonymous]

No impact whatsoever. We get $30k/year from my father.

[Anonymous]

My parents (when they were both alive) and now my Mom started giving us money regularly about 10-12 years ago (I'm 45, my sisters are 53). The amount has varied, some years it's been $5K some years $15K.

At this point, she has more money then she will ever spend. Her social security and my Dad's pension cover all of her living expenses, and she has a few million in investments should she need long term care at some point.

No strings attached. I've always had a good relationship with both my parents. My Dad was maybe a little more pushy about financial stuff--but mostly out of wanting to make sure I was setting myself up well for the future. My mom never asks about the money or what I do with it.

[Anonymous]

My parents gift me and my siblings and our spouses the max amount allowed by taxes (close to $30k) annually. They are also very quick to offer to pay for anything that could make our lives easier - like “you sound tired, want to hire a babysitter this weekend? We can send you money”. There aren’t strings per se though they have strong opinions about how it should / shouldn’t be spent. We have good jobs and don’t need the money - I’m convinced my mom thinks we’re destitute. She randomly sends us boxes of pasta and spaghetti sauce and snacks. Especially now that she’s vaccinated and feels that she’s safer going to the grocery store. Sending money and things is how they show their love. The money is appreciated the things (sometimes random from a thrift shop) less so. I love them and they love me and sometimes it’s easy and sometimes we frustrate each other...I think that’s how a lot of adult children are with their parents but I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

What counts as “large amounts”? Both my parents and my MIL started sending us money periodically in the last few years. They don’t offer it, they just send checks and then call to confirm we received them. Usually around 5k but sometimes more. At first I wasn’t sure about it, but they all explained its part of their goal to not leave all their money in their estate. Almost all of it goes into a savings account for our daughter’s education and future, unless we have a sudden expense come up and the money can keep us from having to draw on our own savings unexpectedly.

It’s had no impact on our relationship. To their credit, the money is totally no strings attached— they never ask what we are doing with it. It doesn’t even get discussed past us reaching out to say thank you. No one in our family is wealthy, but our parents benefited from being boomers and buying homes and investing in the stock market during an era of rapid appreciation both places. They are passing that good fortune into their kids and grandkids. It was weird at first because we’ve been financially independent since college graduation. But eventually we understood this isn’t really about us, it’s about their desire to make sure their money goes to family as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents gift cash and other resources to DH's siblings but not to him. The biggest string is remaining tethered to the family's hometown. The siblings all live locally while DH moved away decades ago. Siblings occasionally complain about parents being overbearing or interfering in their personal lives. They don't seem to notice or acknowledge that having their lives underwritten comes with a price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. My MIL got very ill 5 years ago and died fairly recently, and since she's been ill, I think FIL has realized that he is sitting on a bunch of money for no reason. He's the cheapest man alive and basically has been saving (I would say almost hoarding!) money his whole live, so his cost of living is next to nothing and he has all this money in the bank. So, he started writing each of his kids a $15k check every Christmas. It's not 100% reliable though - one year I think he just straight up forgot.

We like to be self reliant, so we generally spend it on like one thing we want (a piece of furniture or part of a trip), bulk up our emergency fund if we had any unexpected expenses that year (we had a few 4-figure vet years in there), and then donate the rest (75%ish)

I would say it doesn't impact our relationship at all.

If you are donating the money, why don't you tell him and let him choose his own charity? I would be a little bit put out if I gave money to my kids and they turned around and gave it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often this isn’t about a “gift.” it’s just a tax strategy.

That's kind of silly. They could give the money directly to a charity just as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often this isn’t about a “gift.” it’s just a tax strategy.

That's kind of silly. They could give the money directly to a charity just as well.

But not if they want their estate to eventually go to the next generation, there are explicit tax rules on what you can give annually and it. It be taxed. The estate cap varies based on IRS/ administration rules so you don’t know years in advance what the cap will be. Many families give the maximum gift annually to reduce the risk that the estate will get hit with higher taxes. This has nothing to do with charitable giving (also an option but not helpful if you want intergenerational wealth transfer.

[Anonymous]

My parents do this, and we have a great relationship, absolutely no strings. We have tried to turn it down, encouraging them to spend on themselves. My dad always says, "we can't spend it all." We also take large, multi-generational trips (my siblings and their kids as well) every couple years that they pay for. If we can enjoy it with them, and all together, all the better. Our family likes each other and enjoys spending time together. We do similar trips with spouses family. They don't give us money, but give us the gift of time and occasional trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The relationship is great. We receive large sums of money from several relatives- parents, aunt, uncle, grandparents. It is understood we help the next generation out in our turn. We say thank you of course and there are zero strings attached. Primary and college is also provided for. We are very very fortunate and we know it.

This is like the relationship I have with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has their own finances, but we also have access to money from the trust. At the end of the day, all of the assets will pass to the next generation, so none of it really is ours to keep. We don't look at it as money coming with strings, we view it as growing the next generation's wealth the best way we can.

I am very close to my parents and sibling. They definitely come before my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom provides monetary gifts. She realizes that she has more than she needs for the rest of her life and has decided she's rather see us and her grandchildren enjoy it now than have it pass by inheritance after she is gone.

She's done gifts of various sizes but treats children equally and grandchildren equally. No strings attached.

Same here, no strings and very equitable.