bday ONE day before Kinderg. cutoff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you OP.

I have Sept 28th g/b twins.
Son is ahead academically (reading, writing at 3). Doesn't get frustrated easily. Current teacher says he's the "perfect" preschool student---listens immediately, sits attentively, follows all instructions, gets along with others. However, physically he's small for his size and has some anxiety with new situations. He can be clingy to me and whiny. Very whiny.

Daughter has NO interest in academics. Could care less about letters let alone putting them together. Frustrates easily---lots of fits and tantrums. However, socially she's very confident--fits in immediately in all new social situations and takes charge of the situations. Advanced fine motor skills. On the taller size for her age.

One week we're sure we're going to send them on time to K, the next we're convinced we need to hold them. I'm seriously loosing sleep over this one and we're just trying to figure out PK options! It's very hard.

I have friends who are M/F twins--I met them in college. Their birthday is in December, and I don't know where they started school, but the brother was a year ahead of his sister in school. They never talked about why (I should ask her about it--she's my son's godmother), but it worked for their family. They both ended up being teachers--he teaches high school and she teaches 1st grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Ultimately you and the child will adjust and make the best of the decision. There is no right, there is no wrong. Just make a decision and roll with it. Someone is always the youngest and someone is always the oldest. We can't predict the future so we do the best with what we have. Good luck."

I also agree with that poster. Whatever you decide you have to roll with it. If you think something is wrong with DS being the youngest - he will pick up on it. At first since your DH wanted to wait, and you were on the fence, I was going to say to keep him back - more from the sense you would say "see we should have listened to our voice to let him wait a year" if anything went wrong rather than there being a right or wrong answer. However, now that you said his classmates/group are all going on to kindergarten I think that shifts the balance in my mind towards sending him if you can get on board. If his current teachers objectively think he is ready, you could even see if you could have him screened (in MCPS at least there is the early entrance K screening - even though he makes the cutoff you could see if he could be screened) - then he should go. With kids, I find even the most mature 5 year old will have a temper tantrum every now and then about something. You think - is my child really immature - and then when you see other kids their age do the same thing (which you don't have many opportunities to do/see) you think - oh it is appropriate for the age. The issue/problem may be if they are doing it 1-2 years from now.

With the frustration in itself - are there techniques you can do/teacher can do to help? We are working on trying things first before asking for help with my oldest. Her personality (not a risk taker) is such that wanting a teacher to help etc., not being completely independent isn't an "oh no, she is almost 5 and isn't starting her work independently" .... but if she gets to 6 or even 7 - this would be an issue and part of it is personality I think more than maturity.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids with late summer birthdays (all boys). The older two started on time and the younger one will. One is top of the heap academically and the other one is doing just fine. They all have sulky/tantrum-y moments. So do I.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, I am in the same exact boat. I am holding back - mainly because DH was younger in his class and he really felt it when he went to college. I agree with PPs that you can't go wrong either way.

The clues I am looking at is who my child is playing with, my child plays almost exclusively with younger ones or the ones around same age (late birthdays). Academically my child is ready but K is hard and a big transition. I think my child will benefit from an extra year to get ready socially.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a boy with a September 20 b-day. I AGONIZED over this decision for months and months, and eventually held him back. Here are my thoughts:

1) depending on his individual school, it may not be the case that he will have 4-5 other kids within a month of his age (as a PP suggested). I don't think this is determinative, but its something to consider. I can tell you at my elementary school, there is not a SINGLE boy in the class whowass born past July. This may be an unusual year, but my sense is that red-shirting in some communities is so prevalent, that EVERYONE does it. And I think this does matter, because ultimately he will be judged against his classmates. If he is a month younger than everyone, but there are 3-4 kids in his range... that's not such a big deal. But if he is a full 3 months younger than the next youngest kid, I think that's something to consider.

2) I do think the choice you make tends to be self-fulfilling. I suspect this is because we, as parents, tend to agonize over this, when in fact, many kids could do equally well either going on time, or being held back. In my case, I held my son back. I still think it was the right decision, and I'm glad I made it. But the fact is, like many kids, he showed lots of signs of "readiness" (and a few signs of not being ready). He might have done just as well had I sent him "on time". So take some solace in the fact that the reason this is so hard, is probably because he could go either way and do fine.

3) For boys, I think size and athletic ability matters somewhat - maybe a lot. I think we all want our kids to have SOME success. Either they need to be good at math, or good at reading, or good at sports. Kids who are "bad" at everything lose their self-confidence. Right or wrong, boys often judge each other based on athletic ability. If your son is dumb as a brick, he will still have friends if he can kick a ball 50 yards. On the other hand, if he's great at math, but he's also tiny, athletically behind, and socially immature... he stands a higher chance of getting bullied.

4) If you have a good preschool teacher, ask her what she thinks. Our son's preschool teacher was, IMO, really really good. She recommended holding him back (due to social development issues). Beware of teachers who give you the generic "gift of time" lecture... or seem to think that ALL boys with late birthdays should be held back. I think that's a crock. I think this is a very individual determination.

My son was/is very bright. In part that is due to the fact that he has an abnormally long attention span. He is the one kid who actually sits still in his seat, and can focus on something for an hour or two. Most Kindergarteners can focus for about 5 minutes. He is also average sized and at least marginally athletic. For us, the issue was his social development. His preschool teacher told us that he really did not play with ANY other kids in his class. The entire year. He just couldn't figure out how to relate to his peers. Knowing his father, I suspect this is partly genetic, and will be a struggle for him always. But I also felt like an extra year could help compensate somewhat for what I think are his naturally anti-social tendencies. We ended up repeating preschool, and the next year, due to either more maturity, or perhaps just that he socially better matched with kids 6-9 months younger than him, he figured it out, and developed some friends. I think social development is a really really important factor in all of this. My husband was desperately worried that our son would be bored. Frankly I think he is a bit bored... but for me, I'd rather have him be a bit bored and feel comfortable in his skin, rather than be academically challenged and be socially uncomfortable.

For your son, if he's smart, and a "leader"... it sounds like he has self-confidence in spades. That is a terrific thing. If he's also large for his age, he probably won't be unduly small compared to his peers (even though he might be younger). If I would you, I would talk to his preschool teacher,.. .but I wouldn't hold him back purely because of some immaturity/babyish behavior. If that behavior were bad enough that it kept him from developing friends, I would feel differently... but it doesn't sound like he's so far out of the range that that is happening.

Good luck with your decision... I know this is really tough.

[Anonymous]

..... but he may not have much catching up to do - lots of 4 year olds are occasionally babyish and being surrounded by older kids may just solve this so I would not over think this.

I would also think about how your child handles being challenged. My DD who is absolutely the youngest in her class in pre-K at a school considered challenging, whatever that means, is doing beautifully. I have found that being surrounded by older kids and helped her improve her behavior and despite all my worries at the start of the year about social skills, she is now a leader in her class for some activities although the teachers report that she has some issues with transitions between activities. If your son does well with older kids and with being challenged, then my suggestion is to not hold back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I am in the same exact boat. I am holding back - mainly because DH was younger in his class and he really felt it when he went to college. I agree with PPs that you can't go wrong either way.

The clues I am looking at is who my child is playing with, my child plays almost exclusively with younger ones or the ones around same age (late birthdays). Academically my child is ready but K is hard and a big transition. I think my child will benefit from an extra year to get ready socially.

Good luck!

OP here-- my child gravitates towards the older kids. He will seek out older kids at the parks, schools, etc. His best friend outside of school is currently in kindergarten. He is one of the oldest in his current preschool now---and def. would be the very oldest next year if I keep him back. I have to pay a pretty significant deposit for preschool next year by April 1st (which is non-refundable no matter what the circumstances)--so I guess I have to make up mind in the next few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Mine isn't quite as close to the cut off as you, he was born on June 27th. We are going to continue him in private kindergarten and switch to public for 1st grade. We are confident he'll be ready by then, and if not, we can always have him repeat kindergarten in the public schools.

[Anonymous]

"Ultimately you and the child will adjust and make the best of the decision. There is no right, there is no wrong. Just make a decision and roll with it. Someone is always the youngest and someone is always the oldest. We can't predict the future so we do the best with what we have. Good luck."

Not the OP, but thank you for this! We're in the same boat, OP, as are several of our friends.

[Anonymous]

If he has been thriving in a montessori program, you could look for a different montessori program with a larger contingent of 5 year olds for the K year. I moved my then 4 year old DD with a Nov b-day to a montessori program from a play based program this past fall because she was basically ready for K and was not allowed to go and I did not want the year wasted. I frankly could not be happier. I know that she is going to be way ahead in the K class next year but our local school is supposed to do a good job of differentiating on the reading front and socially I suspect K is right where she will belong next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you have the option of keeping your child in Montessori this year and deciding next year to enter him in either K or 1st? It is incredible what a few months sometimes does for maturity.

Yes. But his montessori teacher thinks if we do stay 1 more year that he will be way too advanced for K and should go directly into first grade. All of the kids that stay for that Montessori K-year at this preschool all go directly into first grade when they leave.

Also---here's the problem...most of his friends at school will be off to various Kindergartens. There were 4 of them that are a really tight bunch and he'd be the only one returning. His current school will have a pretty young crop next year- with very few in the 5 year old range. He's been at this school 3 years (started in the toddler room) so I think he's def. ready for a change. i have checked into a different play-based school for next year which also goes up to age 6 and they are larger with more to offer. If they have an opening that is what we will do (we are on the waitlist)....if not--it might just be straight to K. At least I'll save $12k!

thank god his younger sibling has a March 31st bday----smack dab in the middle!! He will go as soon as he is eligible.

We were in a similar situation and did a year at another school's JK program. Friend did the same, worked out great for both girls. Solidly middle to top 3rd of their current classes for social skills, academics. Another friend did not move to another school and her child had some issues of being "left".

[Anonymous]

my DD is August 29th and cutoff is 9-1. We'll hold her back. with all the redshirting going on, she'll be the youngest by 15 months in some cases. What's the point of that? I think the boredom issue is not that relevant. Kids do far more in K today then they did when we were growing up.

Even if she's ahead now, she could be socially immature later on. not

[Anonymous]

I have a son like yours, right down to the Montessori preschool. He's also very tall for his age and very smart/articulate. So people have always expected for him to behave like an older kid and were less tolerant of his emotions, etc.

I did wait to send him until he was five, even though he was academically ready at 4. This was a great decision socially but he was unchallenged academically. He ended up in the GT Center anyway, so I imagine that would have been an issue regardless.

[Anonymous]

My DH bday is September 30, and he said he turned out just fine being the youngest in the class.

But today's K is not like it was 40 yrs ago. It is now incredibly academic, and kids are asked to master fine motor skills (writing) and read in K. Base your decision on your child. We held our middle son back - June bday - and he will start K at age 6 this fall. Best decision ever for this kid. Middle son had a speech delay (which is minimal now), but does not always have great self confidence. It would not be good to have him be one of the youngest in the class. Our 3rd son has an August bday and we will not be holding him back - he's just a totally different kid.

[Anonymous]

I have a cutoff boy who is now in 2nd grade at an area private. I agree with the PP who said you will doubt yourself every year (although I tend to be a worrier and know that I would worry regardless.) But we sent him on-time, and he is thriving. He is the youngest in the class, but his teachers just told us at this conference that his abilities are "unusual" for a first grader, and given how young he is its all the more impressive. He does extremely well socially and has many friends. I would say the only negatives have been his handwriting and sometimes focus. But his teachers are quick to point out that these "negatives" are completely typical of boys his age and just stand out more because he is so strong academically. Every year we have revisited the question of whether the school thinks he's ready for the next grade, and its always hands down he's ready. Last year his teachers said he was doing so well that it would make him think he was not good enough if we kept him back. So in a nutshell, he's doing great. And I do think that the handwriting and focus will catch up by 3rd grade when most of the developmental disparities even out. On the other hand he may never have the neatest handwriting, and who really cares anyway!

On another personal note: I have three male cousins who are adults now, but were all very close to the cut-off. Two were held back and one was sent on time. The one who was NOT held back, has by far been the most successful academically (he went to Brown and then onto Harvard for grad school), socially and athletically. The other two cousins who were held back have stuggled through college and in their careers. They have also not done as well socially or athletically. I thought about my cousins oftentimes while trying to decide what was right for my own DS. I spoke with all 3 about their experiences, and sadly the only one who felt that he had a positive school experience was the one who was NOT held back.