Would a nanny do a better job than me at parenting?

[Anonymous]

the best parenting is intuitive and done with confidence and without fear (at least in the baby years). All those things like putting baby on a sleep schedule etc - are things necesssary in the post industrial society because women need to work, they raise their babies alone or with husband's help at best, etc. Act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was a nanny who specialized in babies and had all kinds of good advice for parents. When I had my baby, I felt clueless! I think it was due to hormones and lack of sleep. You are doing better than you think. The wonderful thing about babies is that they really aren't that complicated: sleep, eat, diaper, cuddle, repeat.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I think you're doing great. There's a learning curve. You're learning, your baby is well cared for. Don't over stress. No one is perfect at parenting. One day without enough napping isn't going to hurt your baby. Make your mistakes, learn from them, move on to new mistakes.

I remember when I was in college my dad said something that really stuck with me: "The thing about being a parent, is you look back and you think about all the many, many mistakes you make, and then you look at your kids and think, how the heck did they turn out so well?"

I also like some of the opening paragraphs of this article. It's specifically about troubleshooting naps, and I stumbled upon it when I was (duh) struggling with baby naps, and I had a similar attitude of you - I can't do this right, I need someone else to come teach me! I don't know what to doooo.

https://www.babywisemom.com/naps-troubleshooting-revised-and/

And her point is, basically, that troubleshooting these early, relatively easy/low stakes issues teach you to troubleshoot as a parent. And that skill will serve you as your kid grows, much more than just having someone tell you the "answer" would.

All that being said, if you're feeling overwhelmed, and your self esteem is dropping (as it sounds like it might be, you're being super hard on yourself!!), calling in some extra hands is a great idea. A parent, a friend who is a parent, a night nurse for a day or two - if you've got resources, use them. There's nothing wrong with saying "I need help."

I recognize that my last two points are in direct opposition to each other. Welcome to parenting!

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as “parenting” in the abstract. Different developmental ages are so different that a person who excels with infants may not be good at preschoolers and vice versa.

That said, all infants are born not having practice with digestion or putting themselves to sleep. Your job in the first year is just to scaffold that for them, slowly preparing them for independence on those two fronts. I would at focus on the feeding/digestion and sleeping, and educate yourself about how the digestive system develops and how the brain develops for sleep. That will answer a lot of your questions.

After the baby is a bit older then other things become more important, but in the fourth trimester you’ll be lucky if they get tummy time a bit in between feeding, naps, and burping. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I learned so much from my nanny, and I thought of her like a coparent. You are still the parents, and you baby will love you because you are mom.

[Anonymous]

You are doing great OP! You had a baby during a pandemic, and you both are healthy and alive. You are keeping your baby fed and clothed and safe. That’s awesome.

You figure out parenting as you go. No need to doubt yourself.

[Anonymous]

But I also feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

Everyone feels this way with a new baby. Even if you already have had a couple of children - each baby is so different!

Examples- during the first couple of week, I didn’t burp baby because I thought breastfed babies didn’t need to be burped.

A baby that really needs to burp... will eventually burp. You didn't do anything wrong.

I also assumed babies would nap once they felt tired so instead of setting up the right environment, I just waited for baby to sleep which resulted in him not sleeping for 10 whole hours on one day.

Babies can be fickle about sleeping. Even if you had set up the PERFECT environment... your baby may STILL have gone on a 10 hour nap protest.

And we cosleep with a 9pm bedtime because I never figured out how to get baby to sleep alone.

You do what you need to do to get sleep! If you want your baby to sleep in a separate bed, then try to transfer after they are asleep, or try various techniques for getting them to sleep in a crib.
Everything you have listed here indicates that you are doing exactly what your baby needs. You are reading her cues, adjusting your approach, and loving her/him to bits. You are the perfect mother for your baby!

[Anonymous]

Hi! Over the last 15 years I've been a nanny, night nanny, post partum doula, and certified pediatric sleep consultant. I'm also a mom to my 2.5yo and 2 week old.

Here's the difference- a nanny is a professional and a mom cannot live up to these standards 24/7. When I'm working, I put the babies on a perfect feeding and sleep schedule. I fill their days with developmentally appropriate activities and outings, work towards meeting milestones, and everyone is always well fed, entertained, and happy. No screen time, no junk food, etc. But at the 3nd of the day I'm not their mom. Im someone hired to provide top of line care following all current guidelines and safety standards.

At home I cannot be perfect. I learned that the hard way. With my first I tried to live up to my work standards and had a breakdown after 8 months. You may catch my baby snoozing in the boppy lounger while I pee or my toddler watching sesame street so I cam pay bills. We may skip a nap to visit the grandparents or skip baths if they aren't too messy.

A nanny is never better than or put in place of mom.

[Anonymous]

Op you’re doing great, almost every parent feels like this and I totally kept my newborn up too long! I look back now and facepalm but in the moment you do the best you can. There is absolutely nothing better than a babies loving primary attachment figure. A good nanny is great, but what your baby needs most is love care and security, not a perfect mom that knows all the ins and outs. A year with your baby is such a gift. Dont question yourself

[Anonymous]

My child (breastfed) didn’t burp much either. I still went through the process of patting her, but she often didn’t burp. Forgetting the sleep routine is a bit odd. I find books unhelpful. I went to one parenting class when I was pregnant, but my Mom stayed with me doe a few weeks and helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could use a baby nurse for a month or two, just to help you with this stuff.

You probably screwed up the burping thing because you're exhausted - obviously anyone who is ingesting ANYTHING needs to burp. If you could have thought clearly you'd have realized that.

Babies need to be taught how to sleep. I really think you need either a mom/MIL or to hire someone for a little, to show you the ropes. Since you want to do it on you own, you should. But no shame in getting a little help from those with more experience!

Reading "all the books" is too much. Just read about each stage as your baby nears it. Less to keep in your head at once, you know?

I never burped my breastfed babies. Three total years of BF between them.

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty normal. I had NO idea what I was doing with my first baby. I had not held a baby before, neither had my husband. We figured it out and I think we are good parents, though of course very imperfect. You figure stuff out. I think the idea of hiring a baby nurse is great. one thing that really helped me after my first was a new moms group but I would imagine that doesn't happen now with covid. Its good to be able to share stuff and get ideas.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the PPs that you are doing way better than you think you are.

I also just want to say that while there are logistics to caring for a young baby (and it's true professional nannies are often really good at those in an almost magical way), there is another side to it that is just about loving and caring for your child. So much of caring for a baby is just loving that baby. I know this sounds squishy dumb but it's true. If you have the means and desire to take an extended leave to be with your baby, I really do think that your child will benefit from just being with you and bonding with you and the feeling of security and comfort she will get from that closeness.

Also, in that first year, I made soooo many mistakes. Just dumb things. And delightfully, I had people in my life eager to point them out! (this is sarcasm, it was not delightful) But I have zero regrets about taking that time with my LO. Even the tough stuff -- I feel like we go through it together and it made us even closer. And that opportunity is over in a heartbeat. By the time your child starts school, you realize that the opportunity to literally spend every waking moment together and to be intimately knowledgeable about every aspect of your child's life is over, as it should be. But I will always advocate for soaking up as much of that as you can, if you want to, because I found it priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I think you're doing great. There's a learning curve. You're learning, your baby is well cared for. Don't over stress. No one is perfect at parenting. One day without enough napping isn't going to hurt your baby. Make your mistakes, learn from them, move on to new mistakes.

I remember when I was in college my dad said something that really stuck with me: "The thing about being a parent, is you look back and you think about all the many, many mistakes you make, and then you look at your kids and think, how the heck did they turn out so well?"

I also like some of the opening paragraphs of this article. It's specifically about troubleshooting naps, and I stumbled upon it when I was (duh) struggling with baby naps, and I had a similar attitude of you - I can't do this right, I need someone else to come teach me! I don't know what to doooo.

https://www.babywisemom.com/naps-troubleshooting-revised-and/

And her point is, basically, that troubleshooting these early, relatively easy/low stakes issues teach you to troubleshoot as a parent. And that skill will serve you as your kid grows, much more than just having someone tell you the "answer" would.

All that being said, if you're feeling overwhelmed, and your self esteem is dropping (as it sounds like it might be, you're being super hard on yourself!!), calling in some extra hands is a great idea. A parent, a friend who is a parent, a night nurse for a day or two - if you've got resources, use them. There's nothing wrong with saying "I need help."

I recognize that my last two points are in direct opposition to each other. Welcome to parenting!

This is a very good point !

[Anonymous]

I had my first baby at age 22. I figured it out. No, a nanny should not develop your baby’s routine. You are the mom.