Sad the optionality of another kid is closing

[Anonymous]

Pp again. Also, while there are millions and millions of kids thriving in their public schools, I hope you're not so sheltered as to be totally unaware of the millions and millions of public school kids are are being failed by the system. Yes, I feel like a total hypocrite for working in public health and trying to help many of the families served by our local school while also still choosing to send my kid elsewhere bc I can afford to, but it's hard to believe you'd send your kid to our local school either. And since I otherwise appreciate living in the community in which I work, well, here we are. One kid, living in a dcum classified $hit shack, trying to amelioratethe mess of covid, and, gasp, deciding to stop at one kid so we could keep him in private school and stay where we are (among other reasons). I didn't want to feel compelled to justify our decision here, but the assumptions that are being made about our situation and private school decision are so absurdly narrow minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. Also, while there are millions and millions of kids thriving in their public schools, I hope you're not so sheltered as to be totally unaware of the millions and millions of public school kids are are being failed by the system. Yes, I feel like a total hypocrite for working in public health and trying to help many of the families served by our local school while also still choosing to send my kid elsewhere bc I can afford to, but it's hard to believe you'd send your kid to our local school either. And since I otherwise appreciate living in the community in which I work, well, here we are. One kid, living in a dcum classified $hit shack, trying to amelioratethe mess of covid, and, gasp, deciding to stop at one kid so we could keep him in private school and stay where we are (among other reasons). I didn't want to feel compelled to justify our decision here, but the assumptions that are being made about our situation and private school decision are so absurdly narrow minded.

They are people who have their kids in public school offended that someone dared to say public school isn't good enough for their kid.

Same people will tell you screen time is ok for kids, eating yogurt and cereal for dinner is fine, breastfeeding is overblown, etc etc etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just turned 38 and I'm feeling sad for the hypothetical child I likely won't be having. Finances are stable and comfortable if not luxurious. With our current family size we can stay on track for retirement, do private school or supplemental enrichment if needed. If we had another, that may not be easy or even feasible. If I got pregnant today the age gap would be 5 years. There are lots of reasons to just stop and be satisfied with my existing family structure.

And yet, I am a little regretful. Anyone relate?

No cuz it’s not closing. You are just choosing for it to close.

[Anonymous]

I totally feels this OP.

It feels especially hard because our decision is in-part due to the pandemic. We have a 1 year old. I'm about to turn 43, but we have normal embryos remaining from IVF. I think I expected we'd try for a second about now, but we're just so exhausted and stretched thin from doing the first year of parenting in a pandemic, I can't imagine getting pregnant right now. But even with genetically-tested embryos, waiting until 44/45 feels like pushing it to me.

I know it's probably the right thing to stop at one, but I'm sad that these unusual circumstances sealed the deal for us. It's hard not to wonder if in "normal times" we would have felt like we had the capacity and energy for a 2nd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally feels this OP.

It feels especially hard because our decision is in-part due to the pandemic. We have a 1 year old. I'm about to turn 43, but we have normal embryos remaining from IVF. I think I expected we'd try for a second about now, but we're just so exhausted and stretched thin from doing the first year of parenting in a pandemic, I can't imagine getting pregnant right now. But even with genetically-tested embryos, waiting until 44/45 feels like pushing it to me.

I know it's probably the right thing to stop at one, but I'm sad that these unusual circumstances sealed the deal for us. It's hard not to wonder if in "normal times" we would have felt like we had the capacity and energy for a 2nd.

OP here, this is a huge factor. DH and I were talking about the age gap issue, and I realized that if we'd had a normal year last year I probably would have been more focused on the decision and timing of whether or not to have a 2nd. My sibling and I are 4 years apart and we get along great. Very close now as adults and very little sibling rivalry growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Not judging this response but, of curiosity, at what point do parents start demanding their school district make better use of taxpayer dollars and provide a school that working and middle class families feel is “safe and well-resourced”? It seems to me (I don’t live there anymore) that if the public school option (that we all still pay for!) was so abysmal that I’m literally family planning around it, it’s an insanely serious issue.

The ones who have the time, energy, and resources to do it do? A lot don't.It depends on the district and how involved the parents are. You can see the same thing in a lot of private schools, too. It just depends.

[Anonymous]

I had my second at 37, and my girls are 8.5 years apart. I am about to turn 44 now, so I am absolutely not having another, but I don't think a pregnancy even into your early 40s is horrible.

We started trying when our first was 4 and ran up against unexplained secondary infertility. We actually were just about to throw in the towel after having tried IUIs and having had a miscarriage when I happily got pregnant without help and it stuck.

I'm not saying "you must have a second" - I was an only and had a great childhood and know I had advantages I wouldn't have had if my parents had added a second. I'm just saying that if you and your husband want a second, don't let age gaps be a deterrent.

Having a big gap is interesting, but also wonderful. My older daughter is so helpful with her little sister. The teen's friends all adore our 6 year old. Being an only, I have no biases about age gaps and what is "right". My husband has an older brother by 3 years who kind of made a mess of his life, so it's not your typical big brother/little brother relationship anymore as adults.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that my kids are 5.5 years apart and I think it's wonderful. I wouldn't change it.