Sad the optionality of another kid is closing

[Anonymous]

I just turned 38 and I'm feeling sad for the hypothetical child I likely won't be having. Finances are stable and comfortable if not luxurious. With our current family size we can stay on track for retirement, do private school or supplemental enrichment if needed. If we had another, that may not be easy or even feasible. If I got pregnant today the age gap would be 5 years. There are lots of reasons to just stop and be satisfied with my existing family structure.

And yet, I am a little regretful. Anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 3 but would consider myself lucky if I can safely have the second I am pregnant with right now. The age gap is a lot bigger than what I would have liked. But I still love the family I have more than the idea of what I would have liked..or so I think most days and have to remind myself on days that I am feeling low about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Also, "choices you prefer" doesn't mean some sadness at the choice not made. But it is important to remember why we make the choices that we make. I'm grappling with some regrets, but it's good grounding to remember why I prefer the choice I made over the alternate.

[Anonymous]

Just ride out the baby pangs for a year or two. When you hit 40 you will be happy to not have another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Not judging this response but, of curiosity, at what point do parents start demanding their school district make better use of taxpayer dollars and provide a school that working and middle class families feel is “safe and well-resourced”? It seems to me (I don’t live there anymore) that if the public school option (that we all still pay for!) was so abysmal that I’m literally family planning around it, it’s an insanely serious issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Also, "choices you prefer" doesn't mean some sadness at the choice not made. But it is important to remember why we make the choices that we make. I'm grappling with some regrets, but it's good grounding to remember why I prefer the choice I made over the alternate.

That’s fine but don’t go looking for anyone to feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

I totally relate, OP. I have 3, but always imagined myself with 4. I would love one more but finances are stopping me for going for that 4th. We could afford 4, but it would be harder for us to pay for colleges and it would mean moving to a bigger house which would likely mean our kids moving schools. I know sticking to 3 is the best decision for everyone in our family, but I am still sad sometimes about not having the imagined 4th. It also doesn’t help that I’ll be 38 later this year, and I’m feeling old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Sorry, but I have zero sympathy for anyone who won't have another kid because they want to make sure they can afford private school for this reason. It's patently ridiculous. There are millions and millions of public school kids being educated in a "safe, well-resourced classroom." I mean, wow.

[Anonymous]

I had those same feelings when choosing to hold at 2, even though I knew it was the right choice for us and I'd probably have freaked out (negatively) if I found I was having an oopsie. It's not so much wanting another as a regret for the ending of one stage of life -- life as the mother of a baby/young child. There's a certain identity to it. Eventually we all have to move on from it.

[Anonymous]

I initially wanted three and we stopped at two (life, mayhem, finances, etc.). I think it’s a little sad regardless of whether you wanted to stop or not. But I look at it as entering a new phase. No longer am I spending money on diapers and formula, it’s swim lessons and ballet. I’m sort of looking at each phase as a new adventure and I’ve got a cool (albeit little) family to share it with.

[Anonymous]

Totally relate. I’m 41 and youngest is 9. I know it’s the right decision for our family but will always be a bit bummed about the one we never had. By 38 I had pretty much accepted it but I still get a little sad about it fairly often and sometime still daydream about going for it now (not going to happen!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I initially wanted three and we stopped at two (life, mayhem, finances, etc.). I think it’s a little sad regardless of whether you wanted to stop or not. But I look at it as entering a new phase. No longer am I spending money on diapers and formula, it’s swim lessons and ballet. I’m sort of looking at each phase as a new adventure and I’ve got a cool (albeit little) family to share it with.

2 is bigger than average. 1.7 is the average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you already made the choices you prefer—private school is more important.

NP, but in a similar boat as OP. Yes, we are choosing to prioritize what we have now over adding another kid. Private school for us isn't about an exclusive or ivory tower education, it's about ensuring our kid is in a safe, well-resourced classroom. Our private school isnt even that expensive, but we couldn't easily take on another tuition. We love our community and to uproot would mean losing short commutes, losing our neighborhood, and giving up on many of the things that make us happy. It's not "private school is more important" separate from everything else, it's that we have a few big costs that enable us to live where we want, etc. While I long for another kid in our family, I have no interest in moving further out in the city, or to the suburbs, getting a car, giving up all of the local amenities, etc. If I could afford another private school tuition and more space locally then another kid would be a no brainer.

Sorry, but I have zero sympathy for anyone who won't have another kid because they want to make sure they can afford private school for this reason. It's patently ridiculous. There are millions and millions of public school kids being educated in a "safe, well-resourced classroom." I mean, wow.

I wasn't asking for sympathy, and I didn't read the OP as asking for any either. Simply looking for someone who can relate, and I can. I'm also well aware that we could move and enjoy public school, but we don't want to move. So that's why we decided not to have another kid. I'm at peace with that decision but still sometimes do think about what if we'd made different life choices.