Three kids - when do you spend one-on-one time with each one?

[Anonymous]

I have three and struggled with this too. Eventually I chose what some might see as a selfish route. I've been slowly trying to brainwash each of the kids into liking a hobby that I also enjoy. I tried to point each one in a direction that most fits their personality, but I've been a bit relentless with the "this is what we like to do together!" propaganda. So with one I exercise, with another I cook, and with another I go hiking. That way I don't feel as overextended, and get to enjoy some of the things I like to do as well. So far the kids are enjoying it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't.

I think this poster is being mean, but as a mom of three, she has a point. I don’t agree that massive amounts of one on one time with a parent is healthy - I think it leads to entitled kids. So while you need to make sure everyone has what they need, that isn’t the same as everything they want.

You are in a transition time now, so focusing on one on one time might make sense while there is a new baby in the mix. But as the kids get older, maybe they don’t need as much solo time with you as you think.

To help with sibling jealousy, I also made sure the older ones heard me tell the baby, “not now, baby, I am with your sister. I will help you when I am done playing with her.” Even if baby was asleep/happy at the time. Made the older ones realize that I DID pick them over the baby sometimes, which helped with the “you never have time for me anymore” feeling.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 - ages 8, 6, and 3. I do the errands thing, as many mentioned. My eldest is in to cooking, so we do that together, and the middle likes to ride bikes, so we do that. I talk about how this is special time together, so that they feel like it is a special thing we are doing just together. I read to the baby each night (my huband reads to the older 2). And - we have what we call 'special time' once a month. Each month, I take each older boy (not the 3 year old) to do an activity of their choice. Next month, DH does it. But - it is a constant balance. I hear you. You just do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't.

I think this poster is being mean, but as a mom of three, she has a point. I don’t agree that massive amounts of one on one time with a parent is healthy - I think it leads to entitled kids. So while you need to make sure everyone has what they need, that isn’t the same as everything they want.

You are in a transition time now, so focusing on one on one time might make sense while there is a new baby in the mix. But as the kids get older, maybe they don’t need as much solo time with you as you think.

To help with sibling jealousy, I also made sure the older ones heard me tell the baby, “not now, baby, I am with your sister. I will help you when I am done playing with her.” Even if baby was asleep/happy at the time. Made the older ones realize that I DID pick them over the baby sometimes, which helped with the “you never have time for me anymore” feeling.

This is really sad. I don't think anyone except maybe a SAHP to one child is giving their kid "massive" amounts of attention that becomes unhealthy for the child. I think one on one time builds strong relationships with parents. If you can't meet your child's needs (what they think they need, not what you decide is a need vs. want), then you are overextended and need more stable caregivers for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't.

I think this poster is being mean, but as a mom of three, she has a point. I don’t agree that massive amounts of one on one time with a parent is healthy - I think it leads to entitled kids. So while you need to make sure everyone has what they need, that isn’t the same as everything they want.

You are in a transition time now, so focusing on one on one time might make sense while there is a new baby in the mix. But as the kids get older, maybe they don’t need as much solo time with you as you think.

To help with sibling jealousy, I also made sure the older ones heard me tell the baby, “not now, baby, I am with your sister. I will help you when I am done playing with her.” Even if baby was asleep/happy at the time. Made the older ones realize that I DID pick them over the baby sometimes, which helped with the “you never have time for me anymore” feeling.

This is really sad. I don't think anyone except maybe a SAHP to one child is giving their kid "massive" amounts of attention that becomes unhealthy for the child. I think one on one time builds strong relationships with parents. If you can't meet your child's needs (what they think they need, not what you decide is a need vs. want), then you are overextended and need more stable caregivers for your children.

I think PP has a good point that 10 minutes a day of "special time" (I'm using the phrase I got for it in a book) where a parent spends 1-on-1 time with a kid doing a child-led activity is really enough. With 3 kids, that's 30 minutes a day. It's not huge. For OP, the baby already sort of gets it. Give each of the older kids 10 minutes.

Or, OP, I've also seen a suggestion to let your older kids stay up hanging out with you 20 minutes past bedtime on the numerical day of their birthday every month. So a kid born on the 5th gets to stay up every 5th and hang out with just parents. Blowing by bedtime for 20 minutes a month won't totally mess most kids up and is a special thing to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

I have four, and you need to keep in mind that spending time together doesn't have to be doing something fun or expensive. "Come tell me about your day while I make dinner. Here, scrub the potatoes." "I'm going to drop off stuff at Jillian's - who wants to come with me?" "Help me match up all these socks from the dryer."

Whatever you're doing, bring one of the kids into it. And you can talk to your kids while the baby nurses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three and struggled with this too. Eventually I chose what some might see as a selfish route. I've been slowly trying to brainwash each of the kids into liking a hobby that I also enjoy. I tried to point each one in a direction that most fits their personality, but I've been a bit relentless with the "this is what we like to do together!" propaganda. So with one I exercise, with another I cook, and with another I go hiking. That way I don't feel as overextended, and get to enjoy some of the things I like to do as well. So far the kids are enjoying it as well.

I do this too! Such a time saver

[Anonymous]

I only have two and we would like a third but...where is your partner in all of this? I don't understand why your partner can't take the other two while you take one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have two and we would like a third but...where is your partner in all of this? I don't understand why your partner can't take the other two while you take one.

This is OP. Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences and tips. My husband is very involved but as my fellow moms of three will attest to it’s still hard even with a great partner to feel like you had enough solo time. I was an only child so that might color my perception.

[Anonymous]

Harder in the pandemic, but when I was a teen a neighborhood mom used to hire me to watch two of her girls and / or do chores and make dinner while she did something 1:1 with one of her daughters. They used to play catch, get their nails painted, do art... I think the child whose day it was got to pick from among a few choices.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I am the youngest of 3. I have almost no memory of doing things 1:1 with my mother as a young child. We’d have friends over and play as a group, I’d spend a lot of time reading or playing alone, and we’d do things as a family. That’s okay too I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I am the youngest of 3. I have almost no memory of doing things 1:1 with my mother as a young child. We’d have friends over and play as a group, I’d spend a lot of time reading or playing alone, and we’d do things as a family. That’s okay too I think.

As someone considering a third, are you sad about it? I had a very large gap with my sibling, so essentially we got all the 1:1 time with the parents but not much with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't.

I think this poster is being mean, but as a mom of three, she has a point. I don’t agree that massive amounts of one on one time with a parent is healthy - I think it leads to entitled kids. So while you need to make sure everyone has what they need, that isn’t the same as everything they want.

You are in a transition time now, so focusing on one on one time might make sense while there is a new baby in the mix. But as the kids get older, maybe they don’t need as much solo time with you as you think.

To help with sibling jealousy, I also made sure the older ones heard me tell the baby, “not now, baby, I am with your sister. I will help you when I am done playing with her.” Even if baby was asleep/happy at the time. Made the older ones realize that I DID pick them over the baby sometimes, which helped with the “you never have time for me anymore” feeling.

This is really sad. I don't think anyone except maybe a SAHP to one child is giving their kid "massive" amounts of attention that becomes unhealthy for the child. I think one on one time builds strong relationships with parents. If you can't meet your child's needs (what they think they need, not what you decide is a need vs. want), then you are overextended and need more stable caregivers for your children.

I think PP has a good point that 10 minutes a day of "special time" (I'm using the phrase I got for it in a book) where a parent spends 1-on-1 time with a kid doing a child-led activity is really enough. With 3 kids, that's 30 minutes a day. It's not huge. For OP, the baby already sort of gets it. Give each of the older kids 10 minutes.

Or, OP, I've also seen a suggestion to let your older kids stay up hanging out with you 20 minutes past bedtime on the numerical day of their birthday every month. So a kid born on the 5th gets to stay up every 5th and hang out with just parents. Blowing by bedtime for 20 minutes a month won't totally mess most kids up and is a special thing to look forward to.

10 minutes a day with your child is pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't.

I think this poster is being mean, but as a mom of three, she has a point. I don’t agree that massive amounts of one on one time with a parent is healthy - I think it leads to entitled kids. So while you need to make sure everyone has what they need, that isn’t the same as everything they want.

You are in a transition time now, so focusing on one on one time might make sense while there is a new baby in the mix. But as the kids get older, maybe they don’t need as much solo time with you as you think.

To help with sibling jealousy, I also made sure the older ones heard me tell the baby, “not now, baby, I am with your sister. I will help you when I am done playing with her.” Even if baby was asleep/happy at the time. Made the older ones realize that I DID pick them over the baby sometimes, which helped with the “you never have time for me anymore” feeling.

This is really sad. I don't think anyone except maybe a SAHP to one child is giving their kid "massive" amounts of attention that becomes unhealthy for the child. I think one on one time builds strong relationships with parents. If you can't meet your child's needs (what they think they need, not what you decide is a need vs. want), then you are overextended and need more stable caregivers for your children.

I think PP has a good point that 10 minutes a day of "special time" (I'm using the phrase I got for it in a book) where a parent spends 1-on-1 time with a kid doing a child-led activity is really enough. With 3 kids, that's 30 minutes a day. It's not huge. For OP, the baby already sort of gets it. Give each of the older kids 10 minutes.

Or, OP, I've also seen a suggestion to let your older kids stay up hanging out with you 20 minutes past bedtime on the numerical day of their birthday every month. So a kid born on the 5th gets to stay up every 5th and hang out with just parents. Blowing by bedtime for 20 minutes a month won't totally mess most kids up and is a special thing to look forward to.

10 minutes a day with your child is pretty sad.

Not 10 minutes total, 10 minutes of 1-1 time.

[Anonymous]

If you'd like the perspective of a parent with 3 slightly older kids (my youngest is 7), this hasn't been an issue for YEARS. I remember when my youngest was just born my husband and I did make a big deal out of taking our older kids on individual outings once a week and doing smaller things one-on-one throughout the week and, yes, telling the baby outloud "sorry, baby, I have to help your brother/sister now"

But at least the past couple of years one-on-one time comes naturally. Either my husband or I do spend 10 minutes separately with each child at bedtime; once a week each child helps with dinner one one one; I will read or watch or play a game with just one child here and there. Obviously the other kids can be doing something together and they are old enough to be busy on their own.

On the other hand they always have each other, which has been particularly helpful in a pandemic. I have some friends with very lonely only children.