Three kids - when do you spend one-on-one time with each one?

[Anonymous]

Hello. I have three kids. 8, 5, and a baby. I wanted a third and he was planned but it's harder than I expected and I'm struggling to fill each child's cup everyday and I can sense that my middle daughter in particular is wanting more of me. I'm a problem solver by nature and so I'm trying to solve this problem by finding one-on-one time with each one but its so hard because I work full time and the baby nurses and its a pandemic so there are limited places to go. **Here's my question: If you have three kids what has worked for you?** A few times my oldest couldn't sleep and we played a card game at night and that was nice but trying to find a consistent schedule has been the challenge. I'm sure someone will be mean about this being my fault and yes, it's my fault and maybe we should have stopped at two but what's done is done and I'm committed to being a good mom and making this work. So, what are your ideas?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 (7, 5 and 2). I spend a lot of time alone with older 2 together. We play cards mostly, but we talk a lot too, go for walks, we even went running once.
I have also been spending quite a bit of time with each one while they had virtual school (they are finally back in person, but only since yesterday).
While they do DL, they have breaks at different times and I play/hang out with each one separately.
At night I read with my eldest and sometimes with my middle too (I read because she can’t read yet).

I spend time with my 2 year old when on weekends the older two are playing on their own together...
I also work FT, but flexible so I can spend time with them in the morning as long as I do what I am supposed to be doing...

[Anonymous]

I’ve got four with the oldest seven. It is very difficult to give one on one time. But here is what I try to do. My two older kids are at a pod school Mon-Thr from 9-1 so my three year old gets a good amount of attention because the baby is very low maintenance. She’s baby #4 so I’m chilled. When the older two get home is when chaos takes over but they are great playmates and they don’t require a lot of attention. But, late in the afternoon one or both tires out and they need mom time and that’s when I do my best to give it and hope my husband gets home to help out. I love bedtime reading and snuggles. I’m just trying to survive and keep everyone happy including myself but it is day to day.

[Anonymous]

Can your partner take the other two and you rotate out who is alone with one?

[Anonymous]

You don't.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar gap. My kids were 5 and 7 when my third was born. They are now 4, 9 and 11.

I don’t work anymore and had a PT nanny. I used to leave the baby with the nanny or DH and go out with the big kids. In our house, my oldest does more one on one time with DH and my middle child does more one on one time with me. I spend a ton of alone time with the youngest while older 2 are in school.

[Anonymous]

I have three (all 6 and under). With the older two, I point out whenever I’m doing stuff 1:1 with them. Once I started pointing it out to them, they seemed to notice it more and consider things like running an errand solo or reading a book for just a few minutes as 1:1 time. Mine, at least now, don’t seem to require the time in daily hours-long chunks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three (all 6 and under). With the older two, I point out whenever I’m doing stuff 1:1 with them. Once I started pointing it out to them, they seemed to notice it more and consider things like running an errand solo or reading a book for just a few minutes as 1:1 time. Mine, at least now, don’t seem to require the time in daily hours-long chunks.

This is good advice! What I do is try to have solo time with each older kid (I also have a baby) at least fifteen minutes a day. I will play Uno or read books or take a quick walk, little things. My oldest likes to do yoga with me so that also helps with a quick workout.

I know 15 minutes isn’t long, but that makes it manageable of a goal. And on the weekends I spend more time with the two older kids while baby naps.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the question. I only have two, but I'm consider three and wondering the same thing about alone time.

I read a book or blog or something recently from a woman with a bunch of kids, and she said that once a week, one of the kids get to stay up 30-60 mins post-bedtime with her and her husband. I'm not sure I would enjoy that but...she seemed to like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve got four with the oldest seven. It is very difficult to give one on one time. But here is what I try to do. My two older kids are at a pod school Mon-Thr from 9-1 so my three year old gets a good amount of attention because the baby is very low maintenance. She’s baby #4 so I’m chilled. When the older two get home is when chaos takes over but they are great playmates and they don’t require a lot of attention. But, late in the afternoon one or both tires out and they need mom time and that’s when I do my best to give it and hope my husband gets home to help out. I love bedtime reading and snuggles. I’m just trying to survive and keep everyone happy including myself but it is day to day.

^^My five year old has become a great mother’s helper and will help feed the baby. We really bond over that because I’m right there with her.

[Anonymous]

It's hard at the ages your kids are at right now. I agree with the suggestion of "naming" the time so the kids recognize it as 1 on 1 time. Another thing to keep in mind that it doesn't have to be very long. Even 10-15 minutes of *uninterrupted* time goes a long way. My kids are older now, but even when they were younger they quickly understood when someone was having "Mommy time" and were pretty respectful of it.

With the baby, if you can sometimes say "Baby, you'll have to wait. I'm having time with Kid right now" ... obviously, not if it's anything unsafe for the baby or if they're really frantic, but it helps your older kids to know that sometimes the baby has to wait too.

[Anonymous]

I read to each kid alone for 10 minutes every night before bed.
In their stocking each year - I give them a coupon for a one on one date with mom - doing an activity of your choice.

And, I even read once that if somehow your even just running a regular errand with only one of your kids - even act like it’s special - like: hey this is special mommy & kid #2 time, what do you want to talk about, etc?

[Anonymous]

It gets a lot easier as your youngest gets older.

[Anonymous]

Last year I instituted “elective time” as part of our school. Each child had their day, and for one hour the other two had to entertain themselves while one got to dictate what we did together. Sometimes it was baking, sometimes arts and crafts, sometimes a show or part of a movie, but the child got to choose how she wanted to spend her time with me.

Your youngest is a baby so won’t get her own slot, but you could designate a day for each child and have alone time during baby’s nap.

The other way we give them individual time is to have a mommy or daddy day. The other parents gets two kids and the other has one-on-one time. We manage this once per month or so.

[Anonymous]

The pandemic has made this harder. There is no alone time for anyone. I used to take one kid to run errands or to the grocery store or "I need to pick something up" and that would be great time alone. I would have time with the middle while older was at ballet and time with older while younger was at gymnastics. None of that is happening.

Bedtime is a good time. I try to get solo time with each of them. But it is really hard right now.