Friends, employees, or relatives with anorexia — did you maintain a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you? It’s a sickness. Nothing to do with you, and lying about doctor’s appointments is not your business.

For me, it was that a co-worker was obsessed about food. She almost seemed to want to fatten other people up. And she had a LOT of emotion invested in "just being genetically this way" while we could hear her throwing up after parties, or see her gulping liters of bone broth. It's not pleasant to be around.

Bulimia and anorexia (as above said, restrictive-type anorexia) tend to co-occur with different personality traits.

https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-eating-disorders-and-ocd/

Anorexics also often exhibit overvalued ideation, cognitive distortions, such as all-or-none thinking, and attempts to gain control of their environment. For bulimics, the need to feel relieved of the obsessive guilt and shame following binges causes them to compulsively purge the food they consumed, repeating the cycle over and over again. Here too, perfectionism an excessive desire for social approval or acceptance, and bouts of anxiety or depression play a major role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you? It’s a sickness. Nothing to do with you, and lying about doctor’s appointments is not your business.

For me, it was that a co-worker was obsessed about food. She almost seemed to want to fatten other people up. And she had a LOT of emotion invested in "just being genetically this way" while we could hear her throwing up after parties, or see her gulping liters of bone broth. It's not pleasant to be around.

That behavior is not a symptom of anorexia.

I am the recovered anorexic above and I never comment on what others are eating (except my kids- as in, eat more veggies, yogurt, less sugar- normal parenting stuff).

I can be sensitive about people commenting on what I eat if it comes from judgement, but I will generally just avoid people who do what the person you describe above is doing when they start with the judgement. Since this is a coworker, if you walk away when they do this, eventually they will stop the comments.

[Anonymous]

I used to have a coworker/friend with anorexia. There was a whole group of us that were friends. She slowly pushed everyone away as her anorexia became apparent. She didn’t want anyone questioning her or pressuring her into treatment. So she dropped us all, including much of her family.

At one point she reached out to a few of us. She was very open about her anorexia at that point and was considering going into a treatment program. She came to visit and it was shocking. I cried when I saw how thin she had become, something she was apparently very used to because she said “I know” and comforted me. We talked very openly during that visit about why she pushed everyone away. A little after that visit, she disappeared again. No social media, nothing. I still have no idea if she ever got help or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

You must have not read the research above. Nobody is saying you must be BPD, but there is a clear correlation between BPD and anorexia nervosa.

Don't argue with us -- Arthur with the research that establishes the link as true .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you? It’s a sickness. Nothing to do with you, and lying about doctor’s appointments is not your business.

For me, it was that a co-worker was obsessed about food. She almost seemed to want to fatten other people up. And she had a LOT of emotion invested in "just being genetically this way" while we could hear her throwing up after parties, or see her gulping liters of bone broth. It's not pleasant to be around.

That behavior is not a symptom of anorexia.

I am the recovered anorexic above and I never comment on what others are eating (except my kids- as in, eat more veggies, yogurt, less sugar- normal parenting stuff).

I can be sensitive about people commenting on what I eat if it comes from judgement, but I will generally just avoid people who do what the person you describe above is doing when they start with the judgement. Since this is a coworker, if you walk away when they do this, eventually they will stop the comments.

Having anorexia does not make you an expert on ever behavior they show. This actually is not an uncommon thing for anorexia-at least quite a few people I have known with it. Quite a few pretended to be genetically thin or were obsessed with feeding other people baked goods. They were a dime a dozen at sororities where I went to school-verified anorexics and/or bulimics who have been in and out of treatment programs. Had an anorexic apartment-mate in college and while we really wanted to be supportive in any way we could, within 6 months all of us were drained by all the things the girls therapist thought WE should be doing to support her at least according to her. It was a 1-way friendship and the behaviors seemed to get more and more disturbing despite the fact she was in therapy twice a week. We ended up calling her parents and reporting all the concerns because we were afraid she might need to be hospitalized. She took a medical leave. As soon as she came back, she was back to her old ways with her new roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

You must have not read the research above. Nobody is saying you must be BPD, but there is a clear correlation between BPD and anorexia nervosa.

Don't argue with us -- Arthur with the research that establishes the link as true .

Whatever you say, Arthur.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It's really common.

This is a disorder. The way you think about yourself is disordered, the way you relate to other people like is disordered -- problems like AN don't stay in one tidy part of one's life, and it does affect others.

Some people are going to be able to maintain ties with someone who has this disorder, and some won't. But unless there is a parental out spouse relationship, nobody has obligations to put up with unhealthy interactions, and even there, there are limits.

[Anonymous]

(or, not out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

You must have not read the research above. Nobody is saying you must be BPD, but there is a clear correlation between BPD and anorexia nervosa.

Don't argue with us -- Arthur with the research that establishes the link as true .

Whatever you say, Arthur.

Quite a challenge to admit you are wrong. Not everyone is up for it, but it does take some confidence and insight, so probably not likely on this thread..

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who is anorexic, bulimic and has BPD. She’s extremely dependent on family and has literally no friends left (other than friends she made during inpatient stays but they’re scattered across the country and basically stay in touch, seemingly, to support each other staying sick and I’m not sure that really qualifies as friendship).

To be completely honest, if she wasn’t in my family I would absolutely have cut ties with her years ago. Because she is family I try my best to listen and support her in ways that promote her making decisions to get well. But at some point I won’t be able to even do that any more. Her illnesses have taken an incredible toll on all of us.

[Anonymous]

Let's be clear: people with anorexia nervosa can be bright, warm, funny, artistic, athletic, thoughtful, kind, and all the good things. Like any of us, they can ALSO have negative traits. The association with BPD comes with a host of those but even without it, anyone can be vindictive, aggressively competitive, passive-aggressive, jealous, have feelings of superiority, vicious, etc.

If you have one psychiatric disorder, some of these negative traits may be more likely, because you are not functioning well mentally. That is what it means to have a disorder. If you have more than one psychiatric problem, the likelihood of negative encounters with others goes up. And when we have negative encounters, we hurt other people.

Black-and-white thinking is characteristic of anorexia as well as borderline personality disorder. It's common in a lot of psychiatric disorders like this. That may make it seem intolerable to hear anything that is negative and feels like criticism, but everyone has positive and negative traits, and acknowledging that isn't saying someone is all bad. It's just saying that this person may be hard to live with or have a relationship with for certain reasons, but that doesn't mean they are a bad person -- it means interactions may be more challenging, and you may or may not be up for that.

It's not about fault. It's talking about how things work, and how best to manage that without causing more problems in the long run for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

Wow, are you saying that you would dump a friend because she has a disease? That's pretty horrible. Like I could dump you as a friend because you're obtuse and unkind? Scratch that...I would dump you because of those things.

Yes, I have known people who battle a food disorder. No, I would not dump them as a friend because of that. Yikes. People like you, OP, are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

You must have not read the research above. Nobody is saying you must be BPD, but there is a clear correlation between BPD and anorexia nervosa.

Don't argue with us -- Arthur with the research that establishes the link as true .

Whatever you say, Arthur.

Quite a challenge to admit you are wrong. Not everyone is up for it, but it does take some confidence and insight, so probably not likely on this thread..

DP. What the other poster is pointing out is that correlation does not mean causation. And that even with a correlation, not all people with a food disorder have the same personality traits. You, however, are intent on painting everyone with the same brush. Which is better - to see each person as she or he is OR to see only the disease? I know which answer I choose (the first) and you (obviously) choose the second. IMO you are wrong to see only the disease but keep on doing what you're doing and let us know how that doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just learned a friend is anorexic.
And I’ve learned there was a lot of lying about the past. (Unexplained absences, many doctor visits, hospital stays, etc.)

Personality is very consistent with many other anorexics.

How many people have been able to maintain a functional relationship with an anorexic, whether a work or family or friend relationship?

I’ve heard it’s much like borderline personality disorder.

It sounds like you are attributing or correlating a lot of your friend's negative personality attributes directly to anorexia rather than perhaps saying or seeing that they performed a function for her. People with addictions in general (not just anorexics, but all kinds of addicts) lie a lot. In order to maintain a facade of normality. It's not specific to anorexia. Neither is anorexia specifically correlated to BPD. Studies show that starvation brings on or manifests a host of psychiatric symptoms. That is, starvation itself will cause any normal person to behave irrationally. So it's impossible to say whether the BPD was there or not.

OP, if you don't want to be bothered, then drop your friend. You don't sound like a compassionate or particularly nice person.

You must have not read the research above. Nobody is saying you must be BPD, but there is a clear correlation between BPD and anorexia nervosa.

Don't argue with us -- Arthur with the research that establishes the link as true .

Whatever you say, Arthur.

Quite a challenge to admit you are wrong. Not everyone is up for it, but it does take some confidence and insight, so probably not likely on this thread..

DP. What the other poster is pointing out is that correlation does not mean causation. And that even with a correlation, not all people with a food disorder have the same personality traits. You, however, are intent on painting everyone with the same brush. Which is better - to see each person as she or he is OR to see only the disease? I know which answer I choose (the first) and you (obviously) choose the second. IMO you are wrong to see only the disease but keep on doing what you're doing and let us know how that doesn't work for you.

Nope. Some of you are really adamant that there is no correlation, but there is. Not 1-1 equivalence, but higher incidence. Sorry. That's the facts. Make whatever choices you want, but it doesn't change underlying reality.