Getting family to pick up after themselves without nagging and nitpicking

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. DH doesn't notice clutter, he also wants things to be exactly where you might need them rather than put them away. Why would he want to get in the box for gloves when he can leave his gloves next to his car keys in the front hall. Why hang up the dog leash in closet when it can be on the floor by the door which is where we put it on the dog. In his mind the kitchen island is an appropriate storage spot for things.

DS just wanders away from things.

Each one individual item isn't a big deal, but it adds up and is exhausting. When we do manage to really clean up they both acknowledge the house looks great and feels more peaceful, but it isn't their natural way.

[Anonymous]

If people don't put things where they are supposed to then I don't help them look for things

[Anonymous]

There are two steps you need to take here: the first is communication. You need to sit down with your husband and get on the same page with the standards you will share. Explain how this has made you feel - you're not their maid, and there is no reason a grown man cannot use his eyes and see mess and clutter. You also need to listen to him -- what are his standards, and what will you sacrifice so that this is a true compromise? What are your needs and what are your wants? This has to be a honest and candid conversation, and when you come to an agreement, write it down.

The second is consequences - this is for everyone in the house, including your son. Be clear on what the expectations are, and what will happen if they're not met. That frees you from nagging and nitpicking - don't remind, don't hint, don't twist yourself into knots trying to find ways to encourage them to pick up after themselves. They will do X, otherwise Y will happen. For example, the living room floor/coffee table/whatever needs to be picked up by 8:30pm. Anything still on there after that point goes in a trash bag that's stored in the garage. On trash day, it goes out.

I'm generally the neater one in our relationship, and one thing that's helped me is to pick a room that's most important to you. For me, it's the kitchen. Everywhere else in the house is clean to the standards we compromised on, and I'm fine with that. But I do the extra work to make sure the kitchen is clean to my standards (in other words, we both get the kitchen to our agreed on standards, and then I do a little more cleaning). It's one room, so it's not that much effort, and it helps me to know that there is at least one oasis in the house.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have ADHD and this could be me except I was socialized as a woman (to "see mess"), so I've felt compelled to develop at least slightly better habits...

It's also my kid who pretty clearly does not have ADHD, probably because 1) she's a young kid and 2) I don't set the best example. (DH is weirdly not too bad about this despite also having ADHD and having a live-in nanny/housekeeper growing up who did everything for him.)

For people who have ADHD, if they don't see it, it doesn't exist. That is, either if it's literally out of sight, or if it hangs around long enough, it becomes invisible. (This is also a point in favor of having a nightly alarm for your phone and having everyone put things away for 5-10 minutes-- the less it has time to pile up, the more an errant item will be noticed.)

Whether or not ADHD is at play here, I think having visual cues and explicit buy-in would be helpful. Like I think it's great that you have baskets by the door, but if that's not working, would something else like that-- but not exactly that-- work?

Years ago, I read a book called "Organizing from the Inside Out." Basically she says... what IS working? Even if it's just one thing, like a client of hers was hopelessly disorganized but her belts were always in the right place. Then you figure out WHY that works (I think in that case the belt rack was really pretty and easy to take pride in) and try to replicate it.

Also I remember what I call the "Coat Rack Theory." Say you have a coat closet that is awkwardly across the front room so everyone just dumps their coats on the sofa near the front door. You can beat yourself/your family up for not walking 20 feet across the room, or... you can put up a coat rack by the door. Sure you "should" be able to walk across the room, but it's not happening, so see what else WILL work.

So, like-- you have baskets at the door. But is it possible they'd work better elsewhere? Like in the dining room or wherever the end of their "runway" is when they come in? Maybe not. Maybe none of this applies. But just things to think about.

[Anonymous]

This is also an ongoing thing in our house. Almost 15 years of DH and I being together and he still claims he's "cleaned up" after dinner and there will be a carton of milk open on the table, dishes in the sink, and leftovers put in a Tupperware container but sitting on the counter without a lid.

One kid will take off his shoes and coat and put them in the mudroom, the other one can't find his coat, socks or his shoes daily and it makes us late just about every time.

No amount of talking, screaming, politely asking, etc have solved it for me so I rage inside daily. If/when you have a solution please share!

What HAS worked for us when it comes to clutter is that we got rid of a TON of stuff. We moved last year and I sold and/or gave pretty much everything away. I'm really trying to be mindful of the toys my kids have and also get as gifts. I joined a Buy Nothing group on Facebook and give a lot of stuff away. If there's not a lot of junk in the house it can't get cluttered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is also an ongoing thing in our house. Almost 15 years of DH and I being together and he still claims he's "cleaned up" after dinner and there will be a carton of milk open on the table, dishes in the sink, and leftovers put in a Tupperware container but sitting on the counter without a lid.

One kid will take off his shoes and coat and put them in the mudroom, the other one can't find his coat, socks or his shoes daily and it makes us late just about every time.

No amount of talking, screaming, politely asking, etc have solved it for me so I rage inside daily. If/when you have a solution please share!

What HAS worked for us when it comes to clutter is that we got rid of a TON of stuff. We moved last year and I sold and/or gave pretty much everything away. I'm really trying to be mindful of the toys my kids have and also get as gifts. I joined a Buy Nothing group on Facebook and give a lot of stuff away. If there's not a lot of junk in the house it can't get cluttered!

I'm at 20+ years of this. But his mother's house was a sty, and he has zero interest in learning another way.

Op, deal with your son. Make him pick up every single scrap that is his every day. When he leaves his things laying around, take them. When he can't find it ask "Where did you leave it? Well that isn't where it goes" walk away.

[Anonymous]

Np here. Really appreciate that coat rack theory post. I need help identifying those mismatches in my house.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a little like this and it drives me bonkers. He also is the king of taking my things (e.g., my ski goggles, my mask, my scarf) and then losing them.

I don't think in his case it's ADHD or anything like that. He has a mom who did EVERYTHING for him all the time. He knows I'm not his mom and he can't behave that way. But it's ingrained at this point. You can bet I am teaching our kids differently.

[Anonymous]

I have given up. Things pile up , I nag, a little gets done, but nothing to stem the tide of the slobs I live with, and then every month I go on a rampage. Last night, in fact, I was up until 2:30 am. I filled up 3 trash bags of crap--empty boxes, packaging, socks with hole sin them, papers, magazines, games that have been destroyed, surgical masks dh just uses and tosses on the table, tons of half used art supplies, etc. The crap that i didn't throw away because it was actually worth keeping I put away--books back on bookshelves, games in the game cabinet, pens with supplies, hair brushes in the bathroom, shaving cream NOT on the dining room table, dog stuff in the dog stuff drawer, coffee cups in the dishwasher, but I find the best thing is for me to simply keep purging. We dont need all this crap. I hate doing it and get resentful, but at this point, its never going to change and its gotten much worse since EVERYONE IS HOME ALL THE TIME MAKING A MESS. I can't wait until the kids go to school and activities so they can spreading crap everywhere. DH is a lost cause.


and yes, I have lots of organizational strategies-I have a hanging thing by the front door with hooks for keys, jackets, a place for mail, wallet, etc. DH never uses it and instead looks all around the house for his keys. I have cubbies with labels, but that's just for ME to sort the crap and put it away. Well, at least my daughter is learning and does a pretty good job of putting things away WHEN ASKED--but its hopeless with DH and DS. I do oversee my son but I dont know what it will take. He will literally pull all the shirts out of his drawer to get the one he wants and leave the rest on the floor and if i do not oversee him, he will throw the clean ones in the laundry instead of putting them away because he doesn't seem to care. I make him take them out, fold them, put them away and point out that if he took them out more carefully he wouldn't do this, but he is among the most careless people I haver ever come across. He breaks everything in our house, will play with a pen, break it ad get ink all over things and deny he did it. He's ruined more things than I can count. We repainted the walls last year and it already needs new paint. He's 11, too. ADHD among other things, but I weep for the future. Its not for lack of trying on my part, but how much do you model, how much do you nag and how much do you simply give up.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes with kids, I do think they really can't see it.
Have you ever taken a child on an Easter Egg hunt? The eggs are right there, and they are filled with candy. The kid WANTS to find the egg. And yet, somehow, they just can't see it. How much harder is it with dirty socks?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this and I’ve mostly given up, and just pick up after him. We’ve been married nearly 20yrs and he isn’t going to change...and he does other chores and contributes in other ways. I’ve just accepted it.

For the kids? Nope. I just immediately call them back to pick up their things- and they need to come right away to do so. After awhile, they give up and put their stuff away the first time (mostly)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. DH doesn't notice clutter, he also wants things to be exactly where you might need them rather than put them away. Why would he want to get in the box for gloves when he can leave his gloves next to his car keys in the front hall. Why hang up the dog leash in closet when it can be on the floor by the door which is where we put it on the dog. In his mind the kitchen island is an appropriate storage spot for things.

DS just wanders away from things.

Each one individual item isn't a big deal, but it adds up and is exhausting. When we do manage to really clean up they both acknowledge the house looks great and feels more peaceful, but it isn't their natural way.

+1

I could’ve written this. It is frustrating. DH see no logical need to put things away, and the kids obviously don’t care one way or another. I am working hard on the kids but DH is a lost cause. After so many years of this he isn’t changing. The worst thing is if I put something away and DH can’t find it, he just immediately buys another! So we end up having 12 pairs of scissors, 6 tape measures etc etc. I’ve gotten him used to just asking me where things are- which I hate- but it’s better than clutter/waste. I’ve tried every organizational scheme under the sun to eliminate this whole process but it does not work. Either everything is left where it lays, at all times, or I am the “keeper of the things”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have ADHD and this could be me except I was socialized as a woman (to "see mess"), so I've felt compelled to develop at least slightly better habits...

It's also my kid who pretty clearly does not have ADHD, probably because 1) she's a young kid and 2) I don't set the best example. (DH is weirdly not too bad about this despite also having ADHD and having a live-in nanny/housekeeper growing up who did everything for him.)

For people who have ADHD, if they don't see it, it doesn't exist. That is, either if it's literally out of sight, or if it hangs around long enough, it becomes invisible. (This is also a point in favor of having a nightly alarm for your phone and having everyone put things away for 5-10 minutes-- the less it has time to pile up, the more an errant item will be noticed.)

Whether or not ADHD is at play here, I think having visual cues and explicit buy-in would be helpful. Like I think it's great that you have baskets by the door, but if that's not working, would something else like that-- but not exactly that-- work?

Years ago, I read a book called "Organizing from the Inside Out." Basically she says... what IS working? Even if it's just one thing, like a client of hers was hopelessly disorganized but her belts were always in the right place. Then you figure out WHY that works (I think in that case the belt rack was really pretty and easy to take pride in) and try to replicate it.

Also I remember what I call the "Coat Rack Theory." Say you have a coat closet that is awkwardly across the front room so everyone just dumps their coats on the sofa near the front door. You can beat yourself/your family up for not walking 20 feet across the room, or... you can put up a coat rack by the door. Sure you "should" be able to walk across the room, but it's not happening, so see what else WILL work.

So, like-- you have baskets at the door. But is it possible they'd work better elsewhere? Like in the dining room or wherever the end of their "runway" is when they come in? Maybe not. Maybe none of this applies. But just things to think about.

This is a good strategy for someone with ADHD, or for a parent working with a kid with ADHD. But it will drive you insane if you're an adult trying to get an adult with ADHD to change. The key here, I think, is that DH has to find the Belt Rack, or figure out where the coat rack should go. He has to have buy in and recognize that something needs to change. Otherwise, OP is saddled with all this extra labor and none of the actual control.

[Anonymous]

I have a list of specific things they needs to do or places to check (hang up your towel, clear the computer area etc.) I have an alarm set on my phone for right after school that's labeled "pick up your crap" to reminde to remind them to pick up their stuff. Then I do a walk through with them to check. Only THEN are they allowed screens. If they compalin about cleaning up or don't put I'm enough effort, no screens for the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Really appreciate that coat rack theory post. I need help identifying those mismatches in my house.

YW! I was surprised, but it's still in print:

https://amzn.to/2LKI91D

To the PP saying these solutions have to come from DH... that's a good point, and probably fair. I do think/hope the kid can be recruited into creative problem-solving, though.