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[quote=Anonymous]I’m sympathetic to the op, if the husband is treating her poorly, he is probably also refusing any love and care she may offer him.  Nothing is worse then being sweet and loving to someone who provides you no feedback, or worse yet, negative feedback.  It’s heartbreaking to have someone say “well, why don’t you just get in bed with him” and you think “I would but he stays up in the basement” or “make his favorite food” and you think “I did, he said he got a sandwich at the office”. It can make you feel that you are a terrible wife since you are doing the things most men respond to, except your husband isn’t.

It’s very much like women who get frustrated with babies who cry and cry and cry when nothing you do seems to make them feel better or at peace, except husbands are worse, you can’t make them eat or sleep whereas babies at least try to do those two things.

Couple this with the op who probably doesn’t have the things she used to have that make her happy, mom friends, book club, yoga class, outlets that gave her companionship.

I can remember my team leads at work saying “I’ve had my people tell me “I’d better be home for dinner tonight or my wife is divorcing me… and they mean it”.

Know that you can leave if you’ve had enough.  The poster telling you to stay isn’t living your life, nor does she have the memories and experiences you’ve had, or haven’t had. She may be right, and maybe you do want to wait a bit longer, though you aren’t wrong for deciding you simply can’t or don’t want to. You matter too, and it sounds like you’ve put up with more then you may be saying here.   We all have different thresholds for pain, poor treatment, humiliation, appropriate language. it’s why one person will put up with something for years and another will not.

If your husband isn’t willing to act like a husband, then he doesn’t get to be a husband.

You need to sit him down and tell him what you need and when.  You then need to tell him what you will do and when.  I once told my husband when our first kid was a baby “Two things are happening, we are moving and you are working days”. I told him he was free to join our daughter and me, but I was no longer going to live in the place we were living, nor was I willing to deal with swing shift and all that entails, lack of sleep, lack of companionship, lack of shared moments as a couple and as parents, I’d just had enough.  You need to be that blunt and that direct.  Men are simple, they need a direct set of “if then” statements.

I’m willing to put up with a lot if I get a happy husband at the end of the day.  If I don’t, there’s no reason for me to put up with anything.

Likewise, we live where I want, and he gets a happy wife.  I suspect if I wasn’t happy, he’d not want to live where we do.  People very much respond to the moods of the people they are married to, especially now with covid.

You also need to be sure that he is truly working.  As a poster said, it’s unlikely that as a fed, he’s being forced to work against his will and that he isn’t being compensated.  He owns his two legs, and he is free to walk out the door any time.  Why he isn’t is concerning to me.  I’d be wondering if his concern for “other families” might mean he’s got a secret family someplace.   The level of dedication is just a bit odd, and I say this as someone married to a man who is dedicated to his work.

My husband is also dedicated to his work.  I’ve told him that at some point, the workday has to end… for him.  I’ve also told him that some bosses have a strategy, and that is “call (insert husband’s name).  I once proved that to him after I begged him to take a new job.  He did, and one morning, we were in bed at my parents house, when my parents phone rang. It was his old boss, for the company my husband had just left asking him and expecting him to “log in for just a minute”.   That boss had called every number he had for my husband until he tracked him down to my parents house, not our house, not his cell phone, not his parents, *my parents.

Why the boss couldn’t have used that same skill set to hire additional people if there was that much work was and is beyond me.   
Good luck, op. Know that you are the one thing in life you can control, and sadly that sometimes means ending a marriage. [/quote]

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