Given this conversation, should I encourage or DIScourage an all girl's school for my DD?

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts from an ugly ducklying who blossomed late into a swan. A lot of good advice above already. I felt really ugly when I was your daughter's age and no guys gave me any attention. This affected my self-esteem even though I was at an all girls school. My parents laughed off my feeling ugly and didn't really help me through the awkward stage. I do think an all girls school may be a better for her in this situation, that is what she is asking for. You are doing the right thing by listening to her and taking her feelings seriously. Also, listen to what bothers her and in some cases you may be able to mitigate the issue. For example. My hair was very frizzy during puberty. If this is the case, take her for a cheap blow-out or she can have a lesson in blow-drying which can make a huge difference. Or ask your salon about a good straightening iron. If she has acne, see a dermatologist. A few other thoughts. Little things that can make a difference... I would take her to get a manicure or pedicure (or if you dont have the money do them together at home) and help her figure out clothes that she likes and makes her feel good about herself. This is an age when you want to fit in. It doesn't mean you have to go all out as a parent financially, but a little TLC, attention to details, and sometimes a great pair of shoes could help your daughter not feel so unattractive. Note: None of the superficial things are helpful whatsoever without making love, emphathy, and one on one time the primary priority. The superficial stuff are a means not an ends... be subtle about them and don't make a big deal about them... and keep them in a supporting role. The ends is your daughter's happiness and you don't want her to mistake material goods for happiness.

[Anonymous]

I think that was nicely articulated pp. Similar to your case -- my daughter went from being an ugly duckling to a gorgeous, 6 pack bearing swan. Her problem was terrible acne -- she had to have several laser treatments.
She did super at her all girls school.

[Anonymous]

Excellent! I'm not the OP, but I appreciate your thoughtful post.

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts from an ugly ducklying who blossomed late into a swan. A lot of good advice above already. I felt really ugly when I was your daughter's age and no guys gave me any attention. This affected my self-esteem even though I was at an all girls school. My parents laughed off my feeling ugly and didn't really help me through the awkward stage. I do think an all girls school may be a better for her in this situation, that is what she is asking for. You are doing the right thing by listening to her and taking her feelings seriously. Also, listen to what bothers her and in some cases you may be able to mitigate the issue. For example. My hair was very frizzy during puberty. If this is the case, take her for a cheap blow-out or she can have a lesson in blow-drying which can make a huge difference. Or ask your salon about a good straightening iron. If she has acne, see a dermatologist. A few other thoughts. Little things that can make a difference... I would take her to get a manicure or pedicure (or if you dont have the money do them together at home) and help her figure out clothes that she likes and makes her feel good about herself. This is an age when you want to fit in. It doesn't mean you have to go all out as a parent financially, but a little TLC, attention to details, and sometimes a great pair of shoes could help your daughter not feel so unattractive. Note: None of the superficial things are helpful whatsoever without making love, emphathy, and one on one time the primary priority. The superficial stuff are a means not an ends... be subtle about them and don't make a big deal about them... and keep them in a supporting role. The ends is your daughter's happiness and you don't want her to mistake material goods for happiness.

[Anonymous]

Don't take it too far. I know someone whose parents gave her an "Image consultation" for her birthday. They told her to dye her hair...get male looking clothes and to never wear her hair down. It sounded kooky. If my parents did that to me -- I would have disowned them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ladies, thank you, all of you, for these posts. I actually think this is one of the best threads of responses that I've seen on the DCUM board in a long time. While I still haven't been able to get DD to tell me what exactly inspired her comments, I suspect -- based on the timing -- that something may have happened at her cousin's birthday party that threw her off her game. I've got SIL on the case (please God, tactfully, I hope) to try and find out from her DD, my niece, what might have happened. I am truly stumped: DD has lovely skin and features, a beautiful smile, and while she is a little taller than most girls her age, isn't that a good thing these days?? That said, I certainly do plan to talk to her and ask if there's anything her Dad or I can do to help. Incidentally, if anyone has any suggestions or recommendations for a beauty consultant of the type suggested above, I would be very grateful -- with the caveat that DD is still a 13 year old and we want her to look like one. (By which I just mean we want to balance DD's understandable desire to be pretty with our own concerns about not wanting her to be mistaken for older than she actually is.)

All of these suggestions were wonderful and gave much room for thought, particularly the posters who suggested more listening and less arguing "But you ARE beautiful!" in response to DD's self-criticism. It's hard to admit but I am definitely guilty as charged on this one. I will try hard to do better. Thank you so much for all of your advice. It really does mean a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Yikes! 16:28, I hadn't seen your post yet when I asked for a recommendation for a beauty consultant "of the type suggested above". I think the one you mentioned is a very good example of what we _don't_ want! Thanks for the warning. If anyone has suggestions for GOOD beauty consultants for a 13 year old, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just take her to your hair salon for a new style and spend time in stores that are popular with her crowd and find some clothes that are flattering to her but still stylish.

[Anonymous]

I'm not OP --but that sounds really nice pp. I would add to maybe get your daughter a few subscriptions to some teen magazines -- that way you might go through the pictures together and discuss what is cool or awesome or whatever the in word is for teens now for cool.

[Anonymous]

My very beautiful daughter had the same misgivings in high school -- help her cultivate all kinds of friends so she'll realize how universal her feelings are. And help them all develop a sense of anger at the unrealistic expectations our culture imposes!

[Anonymous]

This is PP 12:03... based on OP's recent post, I do wonder if there was an incident that set it off. It may have been a simple reactionary comment.

A few thoughts... I am parent now, but I went to an all girl school that is mentioned A LOT on this board (I won't name the school because I don't want to turn this into a thread about the school or take away from the focus on your daughter), and while I believe the school attended to be truly outstanding, I want you to know I am NOT firmly in the single sex or co-ed school camp. I feel finding the right school for a child depends on a variety of factors including how your child's strengths match up with each school's strength in sports & academic curriculum. While your daughter is clearly entering her emotional teens, you sound like a wonderful mother who will listen to her and help her through the angst and awkwardness. That being said, in your case, I do feel come Fall you should definitely consider looking at single-sex girl schools (but not exclusively keep an open mind and decide during/after the application process what school is the best fit for your daughter). My gut tells me, the way your daughter feels/looks around boys on one day could affect her ability to participate in the classroom and even study. In any event, it doesn't hurt to look at single sex schools in addition to coed. The good thing is that you have time to help her settle down and feel more comfortable in her shoes. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I went to an all-girls HS and I think it made me more insecure about appearances, clothing, etc. Took me a long time to feel secure around guys too. And I am above-average in looks.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider that may or may not be true for your daughter - my children will have been in their parochial school for 10 years with the same class. The positives are that they really know each other well and deal with the quirks of each other's personalities because there is such familiarity among them. The other angle is that often that kind of history can affect their budding hormones. Who wants to admit they "like" the guy who always picked his nose in grade 2? The boys she's with might not be giving her any attention in the sense of "teenage dating" because she's become more like a sister to them. Things might be different with other kids. Does she have any mixed gender activities outside of school?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Oh wow, 21:37, your post is practically ringing "ding ding ding!" in my head. Yes, DD has indeed been with virtually the entire same group of children since preschool, boys and girls alike. And now that you mention it, the only co-ed activity she participates in on a regular basis is youth group at church, with many of the members also being her classmates from school. Otherwise, DD plays softball and basketball on all-girl teams, takes dance classes (all girls) and participates in girl scouts -- no boys there. To top it all off, she's our only child, so no brothers, etc.

Hmmm. Hearing you phrase the matter like this really does make me wonder -- perhaps DD actually needs to spend more time around boys, not less (even if she seems very intimidated/uncomfortable by the prospect right now). I am not going to push it now, when the poor kid is vulnerable as it is, but it definitely puts the co-ed/single sex issue into a new light for me. At a minimum, looking at it from this angle makes me think we should at least encourage DD to pursue some extracurricular activities that are co-ed, perhaps a youth band or theater productions or something. Just so she can meet some boys she doesn't know, get a better sense that they are not these alien creatures, and maybe also meet some boys who won't think of her as a "sister".

God, there are some smart people posting to this board! Our children should be grateful to us for doing so, not that they ever will be -- it really helps to close the clueless parent gap.

[Anonymous]

21:37 here. I think about this a lot too since this mirrors my own life (K-8 school) but I followed with an all-girls high school. LOVED IT! We had a brother school and I made friends there (through an ES male classmate who was one of those elementary school "brothers" I referred to and then through their drama dept. Theater kids tend to be very open and fun) I introduced him to my friends and he met mine and to this day many of us are still close.

Your daughter will start meeting other kids no matter what HS she chooses. Be open to all of them. A co-ed school might be just the thing or it might be too overwhelming. (Personally I liked the security of my single sex school while still having a place to reach out to a male group I was comfortable with) Make sure she looks at all of them and shadows at as many as possible even if it means missing a few extra mornings in Gr. 8. She'll get a feeling about where she'll be comfortable. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I would spend LESS time on beauty (the Clinique counter and haircut do not hurt anyone) and I would spend more time on helping her join new activities. You can start to send her the message that her looks DO need to be improved. I would ask her: "I hear you feeling sad right now about how you look. Is there anything I can help you with?"

And then any real beauty comes from within....confidence is the most beautiful of all and that takes longer to build. Work harder on that!