How common do you think this type of divorce is?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. But especially if they have kids, that’s a dumb reason to get divorced. The vast majority of marriages become ho-hum after a while

[Anonymous]

I mean that’s why I broke up with boyfriends. It’s different when you’re married.

[Anonymous]

Really incredibly stupid and selfish if there are children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are definitely lying to you. I'm divorced, have dated a lot of divorced people, and none of them offer up this story.

Agree. Many will not cop to infidelity or affairs, particularly if they have children that are an age who would understand what that means. It’s their personal business anyways. Mothers will protect their kids from that even if it makes them look flaky by saying “we just grew apart”.

[Anonymous]

I think it is their way of saying "mind your own business--our divorce is not a horrible tragedy."

In some cases, maybe this is true, but I doubt it. People aren't going to tell you what was wrong.

I am divorced. It "looks" amicable. We would not say these things exactly as you are describing.

What people (other than very close people) don't know is that the marriage was a mistake to begin with, it was never happy, there were too many dealbreakers about life goals, controlling behavior and emotional abuse.

But we look amicable--for the kids. We don't want people thinking our kids are going to be screwed up. It is as simple as this: we were never meant to be together and got trapped in it for far too long (first kid not planned).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume someone who claimed they were “70-80% happy and just thought there was someone out there who would make me happier” is lying. There’s something more serious going on - an affair, dead bedroom, they are actually really unhappy but don’t want to tell you.

This. They might even tell themself that story, but there is likely more.

[Anonymous]

One or both of them are gay

[Anonymous]

By the time a person reaches the tender age of 4-0, they usually know that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

They acknowledge that they need to be grateful for what they currently have & appreciate the blessing that not everyone has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're early forties so we're just now experiencing a bunch of people in our lives start to get divorced in our social groups. Most end up divorced for the usual reasons - infidelity and resentment over husbands being totally useless. However, we have two friends who broke up this year not because they were unhappy in their marriages but because they thought they might be happier with someone else. One of them told me they realized they were only ~ 70 or 80% happy and wanted to see if there is a better match out there for them. But they still say they love and care about their ex and want the best for them and that there were no major issues like infidelity, mental illness, addiction, etc.

Do you think this is really common? I guess I am just risk adverse but I feel like that is a pretty big risk. 80% happiness with your SO isn't bad imho. I don't believe in the idea that there is a perfect fit for everyone. What do you think?

No. Not common.

Very self centered and naive. Triple so if they have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? I'm guessing not. Honestly, if you don't want to have kids, I don't see the point in ever getting married. I'd probably just be a serial monogamist. When it starts to get stale and boring, onto the next!

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge but I just say good luck. I am a single mom by choice and watching my friends go through divorces is straight up rough. The women have a tough time for a few years and then recover, the guys act like they've been let out of jail and then hit the deck hard in about 24 mos. Five years out is everyone happier? That's really hard to say. For people that left bad marriages, I think the answer is often yes. For people who just went looking for greener pastures, I don't think so. Life isn't as pretty, exciting, interesting, or simple past 40. That life those folks tried to chase doesn't exist anymore.

My guess is many would be just as happier (and with much more finically security) staying married. To be clear I'm not a proponent of settling. But chronically looking for something better is a distinct middle class illness.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are definitely lying to you. I'm divorced, have dated a lot of divorced people, and none of them offer up this story.

Agree. Many will not cop to infidelity or affairs, particularly if they have children that are an age who would understand what that means. It’s their personal business anyways. Mothers will protect their kids from that even if it makes them look flaky by saying “we just grew apart”.

This.

We moved 1000 miles away to a city neither of us had ever been to before, away from both of our families and all of our friends, after DH lost his job due to substance abuse. This was the only job he could find in his field.
I told people I didn’t know well that we moved because we were bored.

[Anonymous]

Work friend did this as the kids, who were young always hoped their parents would get back together. It was a sh#tshow.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I forgot I posted this. Neither couple has children, by choice.

I guess I was just surprised that the 70-80% cited was considered a low percentage. I would assume many marriages are around that and considered "happy." I guess it just depends on whether you are optimistic or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge but I just say good luck. I am a single mom by choice and watching my friends go through divorces is straight up rough. The women have a tough time for a few years and then recover, the guys act like they've been let out of jail and then hit the deck hard in about 24 mos. Five years out is everyone happier? That's really hard to say. For people that left bad marriages, I think the answer is often yes. For people who just went looking for greener pastures, I don't think so. Life isn't as pretty, exciting, interesting, or simple past 40. That life those folks tried to chase doesn't exist anymore.

My guess is many would be just as happier (and with much more finically security) staying married. To be clear I'm not a proponent of settling. But chronically looking for something better is a distinct middle class illness.

This is what I have seen. Men who can go wild sexually and in the short term can be very happy with their new life. Women usually have it tougher at the start but come around to being more content. But it can get very lonely as you age, especially when both sexes often lose some part of their social circle.

This is why many people stay in ho-hum marriages or try to find some excitement by cheating without blowing up their marriages if they can get away with it.