How common do you think this type of divorce is?

[Anonymous]

We're early forties so we're just now experiencing a bunch of people in our lives start to get divorced in our social groups. Most end up divorced for the usual reasons - infidelity and resentment over husbands being totally useless. However, we have two friends who broke up this year not because they were unhappy in their marriages but because they thought they might be happier with someone else. One of them told me they realized they were only ~ 70 or 80% happy and wanted to see if there is a better match out there for them. But they still say they love and care about their ex and want the best for them and that there were no major issues like infidelity, mental illness, addiction, etc.

Do you think this is really common? I guess I am just risk adverse but I feel like that is a pretty big risk. 80% happiness with your SO isn't bad imho. I don't believe in the idea that there is a perfect fit for everyone. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

No I don't think it's really common.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge but I just say good luck. I am a single mom by choice and watching my friends go through divorces is straight up rough. The women have a tough time for a few years and then recover, the guys act like they've been let out of jail and then hit the deck hard in about 24 mos. Five years out is everyone happier? That's really hard to say. For people that left bad marriages, I think the answer is often yes. For people who just went looking for greener pastures, I don't think so. Life isn't as pretty, exciting, interesting, or simple past 40. That life those folks tried to chase doesn't exist anymore.

My guess is many would be just as happier (and with much more finically security) staying married. To be clear I'm not a proponent of settling. But chronically looking for something better is a distinct middle class illness.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's common, I think it's kind of foolish. And if they have kids, pretty selfish and the hassles of co-parenting are unlikely to result in an increase in total happiness.

I would suspect they're not telling you the real reason.

[Anonymous]

Do they have kids? I'm guessing not. Honestly, if you don't want to have kids, I don't see the point in ever getting married. I'd probably just be a serial monogamist. When it starts to get stale and boring, onto the next!

[Anonymous]

Not common for people with kids, which is most of my circle.

[Anonymous]

I would assume someone who claimed they were “70-80% happy and just thought there was someone out there who would make me happier” is lying. There’s something more serious going on - an affair, dead bedroom, they are actually really unhappy but don’t want to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don’t believe this either. It would be astonishing to have four decades of existence and still be this foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? I'm guessing not. Honestly, if you don't want to have kids, I don't see the point in ever getting married. I'd probably just be a serial monogamist. When it starts to get stale and boring, onto the next!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I don't think it's really common.

Same. I don’t know anyone who eschewed boring, but not painful in favor of a divorce for a purely theoretical shot at passion.

I do know one woman who never want to marry, but had no choice culturally and was engaged at 17, wed at 18 and a mother before the first anniversary. She left her H the day their youngest graduated college and has had a fabulous second act as a grad student and local entrepreneur. No romances that I know of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? I'm guessing not. Honestly, if you don't want to have kids, I don't see the point in ever getting married. I'd probably just be a serial monogamist. When it starts to get stale and boring, onto the next!

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

People OP cited seem very self-centered, shallow, and selfish. So I doubt I would seem someone like that in our circle. Has to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s common, but I do know people who left their respective spouses after meeting what they found to be the “love of their life.” People change and I do think there is a lid for every pot. Probably better to divorce than to deceive the one you’re with.

[Anonymous]

They are lying to you. One of them probably had an emotional affair but the other spouse is mature enough to not throw a fit and just let the relationship end.

[Anonymous]

They are definitely lying to you. I'm divorced, have dated a lot of divorced people, and none of them offer up this story.