How do you decide when/if to tell people?

[Anonymous]

I vote for being quite selective. Two coworkers found out about my fertility treatment and were very judgmental. It was hurtful and embarrassing. There are some surprising deep seated religious or political beliefs (not only conservative as another poster pointed out) that surface with this topic. You just really don’t know. A couple of close supportive friends and one cousin are the only people I could really trust. I told my boss vaguely which was helpful in taking some time...Hope the best for you!

[Anonymous]

There’s a difference between telling someone you’re struggling with infertility (or maintaining a pregnancy) and telling them the ins and outs of what treatments you are or are not doing. I personally feel more comfortable letting people know about the pain, rather than knowing about the specific treatment (which people always seem to have more strongly-held positions about as PP mentioned). People cannot “disagree” with your infertility and will, I believe, be more likely to be sensitive when it is about pain rather than what you’re doing. And for those friends who will ask “have you tried xyz” a simple “we’re actively working with a doctor” usually is enough said.

[Anonymous]

With my first, I had a close friend who was also struggling to conceive at the same time. We kept each other’s private matters private. I also confided in my immediate family. After the fact, I found out that my best friend was having fertility issues as well the whole time and was going through IVF. I’m now struggling to conceive my second and I’ve been much more open this time around with my small circle of close friends. It feels like a weight off my shoulders that they know and that we can talk about it in passing, and that I don’t need to pretend to be happy all the time if I’m having a hard day when they text about something else.

You don’t need to go through it alone, OP, if being more open about it would be beneficial for you. Wishing you strength.

[Anonymous]

I am going through my first IVF process now. I haven't told anybody. My husband and I decided to keep it to ourselves. Sometimes I have come close to telling. Recently I was telling my sister how a friend of mine paid all the money for IVF then had it cancelled because she tested positive for Covid. My sister made a comment (something like), "I don't get why people that desperate don't just adopt. I just genuinely want to know WHY they go to all that heartache, money, and effort when there are other ways." I froze because I realized then that if that's how she felt about it, I certainly didn't feel like I wanted to confide in her and tell her all my reasons. I shouldn't have to defend my actions and explain all my emotions and why. So I just won't tell. And if I get pregnant, they won't know it wasn't natural. When I feel like I need to chat about it, I come to a board like this and read experiences of others. I don't feel like fielding questions and being a topic of family news. My SIL did IFV and my MIL (SIL's mom) posted on FB next to their birth annoucement something to the effect of, "After 8 years of desperation, a miracle from heaven" and it really sucked the attention away from the good news. Stranger friends of my MIL don't need to know a number of years, or have a label that the baby was a product of desperation. After seeing that, I'll just keep quiet about mine. The less I tell, the less I'll be upset about what they do with that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to women over 50. They're almost definitely not going to announce a pregnancy.

Ive had the opposite experience. Older women just have no clue how common IVF is. And my older relatives either had zero trouble conceiving and don’t get it at all OR they struggled for years and are jealous we have options now. One let slip that our generation is “spoiled” for getting to run to a doctor after just 6 mo of trying. It can be such a goddamn a minefield to find an emotional outlet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a difference between telling someone you’re struggling with infertility (or maintaining a pregnancy) and telling them the ins and outs of what treatments you are or are not doing. I personally feel more comfortable letting people know about the pain, rather than knowing about the specific treatment (which people always seem to have more strongly-held positions about as PP mentioned). People cannot “disagree” with your infertility and will, I believe, be more likely to be sensitive when it is about pain rather than what you’re doing. And for those friends who will ask “have you tried xyz” a simple “we’re actively working with a doctor” usually is enough said.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to women over 50. They're almost definitely not going to announce a pregnancy.

Ive had the opposite experience. Older women just have no clue how common IVF is. And my older relatives either had zero trouble conceiving and don’t get it at all OR they struggled for years and are jealous we have options now. One let slip that our generation is “spoiled” for getting to run to a doctor after just 6 mo of trying. It can be such a goddamn a minefield to find an emotional outlet.

Agreed. Older relatives weren't helpful. My own parents and my MIL stated that IVF babies were weak and not as healthy. MIL stated that IVF was a waste of money and not as God intended. Sigh. They were all in their mid 50s when they said this.

I actually never told anyone until I had my 1st. When I got to the mom's group I found tons of moms just like me. It was cathartic to have people to talk to. I will say though that so many of these women started off by implying I couldn't understand their struggles and how their kids were more wanted than mine. I think it's a mindset that women who have gone through infertility develop and it's a bit off putting to others. Particularly me since I was just like them.

[Anonymous]

Make up an Instagram account solely for the purpose of following IVFers. Find support anonymously.

I told some people the first round and heard everything from “test tube babies always have something wrong with them” to “aren’t you too old?” from friends, coworkers and my own family.